I don't know what to say. I think I am done here. Everyone is always so positive and that's what I am trying to be but I'm tired of it. Last weekend my H. slept over at OW's house and then tells me it's because of my A. Ok, well he did it because I was late coming home from my sister's wedding and then he tells me he is going to kill himself and leaves. I stayed up all night worrying about him and then he comes home and tells me this. He wants a d. now and then says, well you said this and that months ago. He is still yelling at me about things that happened 5 years ago and you know what, I'm through. She's just his friend, so for him an EA is ok, but for me talking to someone I get my head ripped off. I took him back in and he said that he couldn't do it anymore. So he gets back with me long enough to get me pregnant and then wants out. I hate myself for everything and I am tired of feeling edgy and ornery because of how he acts. I don't even want the damn marriage, but I do. Help! What am I suppose to do? Now he says he will fight for custody of my children, because I wouldn't know how to raise them?? I have began to feel like going anorexic, which I know is horrible considering any situation. I can't eat and I am trying to get better for my kids. I have to be there rock. God will help me. I don't even know. He hasn't wanted to work this out and it's just got worse since we found out I was pregnant. I think I am beginning to hate him, I have to let go, he wants to turn in the D. papers today.

Hi Raine,<P>I don't think I've ever written to you before, but your post rung a chord with me.<P>This will be more of an "I understand" post than an advice post.<P>I have been where you are. It was my affair that brought me to MB two years ago, and my (then)H's retalitory affairs that ended the marriage. Or maybe it was my affair that ended the marriage. I honestly don't know... it's a "which came first" thing... <P>He also said he was going to kill himself and would go out in the middle of the night... he also had an OW at the end who he cared about more than our marriage... he also blamed me for his OW (if I hadn't cheated, he wouldn't have)...<P>sigh<P>I understand.<P>You notice I said "ex"... yes, we couldn't make it. In fact, I am remarried now. But sometimes, when I'm in a "thinking" mood, I remember some of these things about my ex. You know, he hasn't learned a thing either... he's been juggling two women lately, and neither knows about the other, but he went on vacation with one and is "in love with" the other. <P>Sometimes, more often lately, I look at him and wonder what kept me there for 20 years.<P>Like I said, this is an "I understand" post.<P>Hope it helps to know someone "gets it"...<P>Honey, about the eating. YOU MUST, for your baby, and for your children. You need to be strong!!!<P>Best wishes, Raine... take good care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

My dear Rainfall,<P>From your post, I think you need to be here more than ever. Please don't leave. Being preg. while there is an A going on is hard. I know. Your H is angry. He does have an OW. These facts you can't change. <P>H wants do to the D. Let him. Can't really control him at this point. He wants you to go with him? Preg and all? Let the lawyer know that you are preg. Others may show frown on him for his action of the d, let them do that. <P>Right now you have to take care of yourself, children and that little life growing inside of you. God does sustain through these terrible times. I was just rereading your post and thought I wsay you say that you hate your H, when I went back to look for that what you actually wrote was that you hate yourself for everything. Please R, step back. Don't hate yourself. <P>I have to go to work, but will check back with you later today. Please take care. Keep posting here to vent. I did and it helped. Please don't leave us. <P>L.

Nyneve and Orchid,<P>Thank you so much. I came to tears at your replies. I am trying to eat good. Yesterday has been my 1st day I have gotten all 75 grams of protein in. My h. says nothing p. happened, but I don't even care. I feel like I don't ever have a right to be upset and until I came here, I just let it fester inside of me until I burst. H. told me this morning,(he came home at midnight and won't tell me where he was. He says he doesn't give a damn what I think). Anyways, he said that I taught my son to hate him. Then he apologizes and says he can't even be around me and he told me that before. I asked him why he helped to get me pregnant if he didn't want to be with me. He doesn't know. I'm a little glad he's moving, I need time to fix myself. I can't change the past, I want a future. You guys are great. I don't know how I would do this without you.

Rainefall...<P>I am not a woman, but gonna respond anyway... .<BR>You are a fantastic lady and your strength is something to be absolutely admired!! Go forward for you and that baby!!! If your H is so fogged in, so self absorbed at this point, let him go. You do not need to fight for the marriage and the life of you and your child right now! If anyone is to fight for you and your love, let it be him!!! You need to be happy and loving for that child in you will absolutely mirror your emotional state when it is born! Don't let H upset the balance in your life ( I know how weird that sounds!!) Focus on you and how you want that little one to grow up! If he wants his EA, and not to be there for this wonderful time, that is his choice. YOU GO GIRL!!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Rainefall,<BR>I know also how devastating your situation can be. I was pregnant with my 3 child when I found out about my h supposedly 1st affair. For two years he treated me horrendously...and I kept it all inside. H said if I told anyone...he could lose his career and our future, which he could have. <P>Anyway, I also had trouble eating and sleeping. My h was so good at emotional abuse. He said many times that he didn't care about me or my feelings....and demonstrated it often. We went through counseling, which charismatic h used as a forum to tear me apart. He wanted me to get an abortion...which I did finally make an appt for. As the day grew closer...I couln't do it..I loved that baby. So I called him at work and said I was having the baby and no matter what he wanted to do...I would raise my kids to the best of my ability.<P>Shortly after that...I started bleeding...probably because of the stress. It was really scary..I then tried to take better care of myself. Kaitie was born and she is the love of my life. She has some minor neurological problems, probably caused by all the emotional stress I went through when I was pregnant and the year after when I was nursing her. <P>Shortly after Kaitie was born, I was diagnosed with Lupus. For a year and a half my joints were so swollen and sore. I also lost a lot of hair. After a year and ahalf, when our relationship was doing better--my Lupus symptoms went away. Although I have had minor problems--for the most part, I am doing ok.<P>What I learned from that experience was to always take care of yourself first. Though my h has put me through 4 other affairs...I have not let myself get as emotionally distraught as during that first two year period. Even this time, I have forced myself to eat, I try to do fun things with the kids, and I have developed friends to support me. It has made all the difference in the world. I still feel guilty about my third daughter....she is the only one of four with any neurological problems and I know it was because I let the stress get to me.<P>Remember that little being growing in you needs your love and protection now. Don't let your h destroy that. Focus on that little being, eat and try and get some sleep and try to get away from the stress as much as possible. I know it is hard. I wish I had done it differently....I wish I had found a place like this to get help. Remember we will be there for you to vent to and to listen to. Take care of yourself!!!!

My h. just called to see if my son wanted to go with him, he said no and my h. told me to call him if he changed his mind. He said he loved me and I said, then why can't it work. He said because you have been cheating on me. I told him, that I did once and he started to get rude about everything I have done to him. I said goodbye and hung up. I know it makes him mad, but I prayed after I knew that he was leaving and I feel sooo much better. I know God is with me and I know he knows what I have been through. I prayed for him. I know that everything will get better. Thanks all for your advice, I plan on making things good for my children.<P>Mo,<P>Don't get down on yourself. I really believe that your d. is like that for a reason. You love her forever and don't you ever start to tell yourself that it's because of you-ever. I am glad you're feeling good today.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by RAINEFALL (edited August 01, 2001).]