Hi TrueHeart,<P>As a WS, I was wondering if you could answer these questions for me.<P>~ If the OW was to have threatened you with a BF, and tell you that she is going to "boink" this BF and a few other choice sexual things every single day that you continue to live with your wife, how would you have perceived that?<P>~ Would you consider the OW that said these type of things in bullet 1 as "Naive" or "Innocent"?<P>~ If the OW continued to get BFs for each instance of trying to get you to severe ties with your W (i.e., seperation, D, etc.) would you not have eventually caught on to her manipulation? Or was the Sexual Fog so deep that you didn't see it?<P>I hope you get a chance to read this, and thank you for your help.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 01, 2001).]

To the TOP!

Jo,<P>Thanks for the tough questions...sheeesh...cant we do an easy one?... <P>Actually, thank you for counting on me enough to ask the tough ones! There are two stages I think to this question...<P>The first is that when the fog is deep enough and you feel so emotionally clouded and dependent on OW, that she can make you feel so jealous and fearful of losing her that, indeed that ploy may work initially! You see this person as your *soulmate*, the person you have *longed* for to understand you, and sexually, well, that bond is like super-glue!! So, when the WS is threatened that there could be someone out there to threaten the fantasy of perfection between you and OW/OM, you will stop at nothing to remain with them and *prove your love*.<P>After it happens a couple of times, unless the fog is sooooo thick, (which I guess can happen, from what I have seen), you begin to see it as manipulation and it, like any undesirable behavior, becomes a LB. You get to a point where you look at them and say, (if not out loud, certainly in your head), you want to find someone else?, go ahead! See if you can find anybody better than me! (Yes, we do get arrogant!)<P>So, I think depending on the relationship, and depth of fog, there are two stages, and it can definitely work for or against the OP.<P>Trueheart

So jo, what's going on today, writing a book ? Any ow acting like that who actually was successful is probably doing the bs a favor, who in the heck wants to be married to a complete (not to mention unfaithful) idiot.

Just wondering if that makes me an *incomplete* idiot??...

Nahh, not writing a book. I just had a counseling session with Steve Harley, and I had residual questions and hoped you two (SnL and TrueHeart) could help me out, which you both did. Thank you both! YOu guys are the best ever.<P>Welp, I'm embarressed to say, but my H fell for this (the OW BF threats) more than once. It would have been comical if it wasn't so hurtful. I was stunned when I saw his reaction, because I was sure I was married to a smarter man, and he'd see through it all. You see, I was listening to all her pages and so I knew what was going on from the other side. I'd sit and wait and watch him.<P>She was quite graphic in what she was going to do and have done to her. And actually every time she threatened it, it was with a different guy, one time was with my H's best friend, and she did follow thru. I was pretty shocked when I saw he was jealous and almost in a panic. She would say to H "you know you have nothing left for your W, why would you give up lust, passion, sex, and love, simply to make your wife happy, you already gave her the 7 years you should have been with me. If you don't move out of the F'ing house I'm gonna ... <place sexual threat here re: BF>"<P>After we seperated, my SIL told me H told her he and OW broke up and OW had a BF again. Well, that very day my H called me and told me he was filing for D. They were back together the next day. Unbelievable. I guess she uses what works ... jeeeeeez!<P>Thanks again SnL and TrueHeart!<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 01, 2001).]

Dang fog can be sooooo deep Jo!! I am proud to say, even I am not that dense..hehe...that I would have stayed while admitting OW had a boyfriend? Man...another thought just hit me...he was so scared you wouldnt take him back, and his self esteem being as low as it was, anyway, he most likely felt he had no other options but to stay there. (In his mind, you didnt want him anymore, and she was threatening him with pulling the rug out from underneath him. He had already *lost* you, and now to lose OW and end up with nothing?...well...you can see the reasoning!)<P>Not necessarily dumb, probably more terrified he would be totally alone. He left you for her, and now may lose her too? Pretty nasty quandry for a WEAK person!!<P>Just an added thought there!<P>Trueheart