If you've read this site lately you might know my story so I won't go over it again. But I need some more help, and I really hope what I'm feeling is normal.<P>Right now I don't know if I love my wife. <P>I've been writing a lot in my journal and talking to my family about all the crap from my past(not related to the marriage). I'm feeling a ton better and happier. I'm even starting to be so happy that I enjoy coming home to an empty house. I don't have someone telling me the right way to do the dishes or clean the bathrooms. I always did those things happily, but my wife always had to tell me how to do it. That's just a small sample. <P>I guess right now I'm reflecting on the marriage as a whole and I realize that we were both doing things that hurt the other. But right now I seem to be the only one of the two of us reflecting on that and wanting to change. If I keep at Plan A and I change, and she comes back, my problem is, how do I know she's changed. Maybe if she comes back I'll be the more unhappy person. I would never have an affair, but I might not want to stay.<P>As I said, maybe this is a normal reaction, but it seems rather odd to me to have been on this site the past couple of weeks pining away for my wife and her speedy return. And now I'm beginning to wonder if I want her to come back.<P>Is this normal?<BR>

Totally normal.<P>I felt the same way, once you get over the intiall pain and start to get a little stronger you realize that you will be OK if they come back or not. None of our marriages were perfect obviosly. <P>So this is your chance to begin again and do things the right way. For you both to awknolege your faults and work out a plan for your marriage to make you both happy.<BR>Our spouses dont want the same old marriage and I dont think we do either.<P>You will proabaly feel differently tomorrow in regaurds to loving your wife. Hang in there because i think when we finally truely get to this point, its when they sense somthing and want to come back.<BR>Lora

S b T, I don't know if it is a typical reaction, but I'll have to agree to feeling the same thing. Of course, my H has been out of the house for a year and a half, and I am stronger. Plus, he has recently been very active with the kids in a much more positive way.... and that is good.<P>But, like you, I've gone through a lot, have done much soul searching and growing (with counseling as well)... and I'm not sure my H has at all. Seems he needs a scapegoat. But that is a discovery that I've actually known all along. It has always "been someone else's fault". I guess it was just my turn.<P>Sometimes, though I don't really know for sure, it seems that the WS is going through things that mostly have to do with them. I think that is pretty much the case with my H...and he has said so himself, numerous times.<P>Unfortunately, the OP does meet a specific need. They seem to meet the need of accepting the WS as they are at this current moment.<P>If you've ever read any of the literature regarding that whole walk-away syndrome or mid life crisis, you find that it pretty much says just that... That by the time the walk away "finds themselves" again... it is difficult to pick up the pieces. Very often, too much has been said, too many bridges burned etc.<P>I know that when my H walked away... I loved him and was very much in-love with him. I did plan A... but the ow put a permanent hook in him via a child. (plus burned her own bridges). At this point I love him, but am not in-love with him. I've forgiven him, but not forgotton the almost emotionally abusive treatment of me and the kids. It would probably take effort on his part, that I do not know if he is capable of. <P>But for me, the best part about the advice I've gotton here on this board and in all of the MB literature, is how it has helped me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lora:<BR><B>You will proabaly feel differently tomorrow in regaurds to loving your wife. Hang in there because i think when we finally truely get to this point, its when they sense somthing and want to come back.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it was Faith who offered up the book "Winning your Wife Back." I checked it out of the library today and have been reading it. Other than I am NOT a sports fan, it has some good advice.<P>The next thing I'm going to do tonight is write my wife a note and thank her for making me realize how unhappy I am. If she hadn't left, I would have turned into my father, who died really from a broken spirit.<P>Her leaving was what forced me to look at me. I'm feeling so much better now that I have been soul searching, that I am now able to see why she was unhappy enough to leave. I know she had her own pain, but there was a reason she never talked to me about it. And I think the big reason is because I was so unhappy too.<P>Thank you very much, you may have saved my life!<BR>

I think it's pretty normal too. Especially because we are making improvements in ourselves, so we look at the WS - who is not improving - and start to see some of their faults. And we thinkg - ok, he was so unhappy with ME, and I'm working on learnning and changing - what about him? He's out there in the arms of another woman, and staying his old same self - I'm here lonely and rejected, but pulling myself up and changing myself!!! My H was over tonight, and he hasn't changed. I began wondering, do I want him back if he doesn't change? BUt of course, I know the A won't last. He'll have to come out of fantasy land eventually, and will have to look in the mirror.<P>The truth is, it takes two for a marriage to fall apart. It will take two to make changes and rebuild. We have to be the strong one right now. When they come back, and commit to rebuilding, is when they will make come changes for the better. Remember why you married your W? Remember the things that attracted you? <P>Glad you are reading Smalley's book. TO give proper credit, I must pass the kudos to dlm. Her H read that book, then I chimed in about the Winning your Husband Back book. I'm sure they are similar. Yay, Debbie, for mentioning it!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I'd say you're feeling normal. When I was getting those feelings constantly, it was time for plan B. <P>I believe (due to my own personal experience on here), that we have so many different stages to go to before we reach our limits.<P>When WH and I started on our road to recovery about 2 months ago, I was full of doubts and suspicions. I was doing just fine on my own (albeit lonely). I hated being alone at night, but spent a LOT of time on here to help alieviate that pain.<P>It's only been in the last couple of weeks that I have truly realised that I want my H here with me and the kids. He's my best friend. We married for good reasons, including love of course, and now we're working together to keep those good reasons afloat.<P>If/when your W comes back, as you know from reading on here, there will be a withdrawal phase for both of you. And you know that's normal. When she realises that she wants to be there for you, she will do the changes. All you have to do is give her some guidance as to what you feel needs to change. Sticking to the rules of honesty and care will see you through that.<P>Karen<BR>

WOW that question hits so close to home with me. I am finally learning to live by myself w/my kids and actually accept it. Through all the tears, fears of loneliness just missing my H I've done it I'm still here and I'm going to be okay. If we ever do reconcile which lately I have big doubts it will ever take place I know it will be very hard. I feel as though I am learning so much about myself and trying to change certain things and he is well the same. I don't want the same. To answer the question yes I think about my WH coming home and I'm honestly not sure at this point how I will handle it. I've starting to get use to taking care of myself and the kids alone.<BR>Cybil