When is it time for Plan B? I'm giving it serious consideration, but need some opinions.<P>Though I've lurked for awhile, I haven't posted lately. For those who need a quick re-cap of my story...my H discovered my EA/PA with a coworker in mid-April...I told him I wanted our marriage to work and was willing to end the A and work on it. Since that time, he has threatened to move out three times, but has not actually taken steps to do so, nor has he taken any steps to work on our marriage.<P>We have slept separately since D-day, and he makes no attempts at any kind of physical affection toward me, sexual or otherwise. He refuses to go to any more marriage counseling (we went to 5 or 6 sessions last fall, before he discovered the A). He resists attempts to spend time with me or family time with our son. He now belittles me in front of family and friends, makes cutting and insulting remarks that other people are noticing and mentioning to me. This is a stark change from his former demeanor with me.<P>He behaves in ways that seem expressly designed to pi$$ me off. Example: H had a surgical procedure done yesterday, which required an overnight hospital stay. Before I came to pick him up, I called him this AM and asked if there was anything he needed or anything I could bring him. He replied "NO." When I got to the hospital, he complained that he hadn't brushed his teeth in 24 hours and said, "Why didn't you bring my toothbrush?! You should think of things like that." He does this kind of thing on a regular basis.<P>Also, when I got there I brought him flowers, which he barely acknowledged, and left in the car to wilt when we got home. I made a pasta dish with a rather complicated sauce for dinner. He had no comment on that, either. When I was reduced to having to *ask* how it was, he said, "It's all right."<P>This has been the typical behavior from him since d-day. It seems almost as if he goes out of his way not to compliment me, or be nice to me in any way, and insult me when the occasion arises. Obviously, he is punishing me for my errant ways...but is this the way things should be going? Should I be more accepting of this behavior?<P>What makes it especially hard is not knowing when, or if, this will pass. I've wondered...does he just plan on punishing me for the length of the affair? Longer? Or does he have no plans to get close to me again? I don't push for answers to these questions out of fear of LB'ing.<P>But I do know this: my feelings are changing. I don't feel the drive to save my marriage that I did a few months ago. I feel angry and resentful at my H's behavior...and that anger and resentment alternates with a deep apathy. <P>Most peole that go into Plan B are BS's seeking to get a WS out of the fog. But would a Plan B help my H figure out where he wants his life and our relationship to go???<P>Thoughts please...

Hi Calla,<P>Your H obviously is having a very, very difficult time forgiving you. I think that the fear of being treated the way your H is treating you is what keeps many WS from coming home. My own H was very fearful that he would "pay" for his mistake for a long time. I knew I would lose him if I wasn't able to let go of the pain he had caused.<P>You say it has been since April, 4 months. That isn't very long to a BS, but Calla you must put your fear of talking to him about this out of the way. You can do so without love busting. You cannot live in fear of committing a lovebust when the consequence of avoidance will mean a bitter, sad end to your marriage. It is time for honesty. We are all humans and make mistakes and we deserve to be forgiven if we are truly repentent. To continue in the current pattern you and H have fallen into will do nothing to save your marriage. You must tell him how he is hurting you. Forgiveness must occur in order for your marriage to heal, he doesn't have to forget (most Bs never will "forget") But he must move towards forgiveness and stop punishing you.<P>I would suggest writing him a letter, so that there is less chance of a LB to start with. A letter may move you both to less strained conversations. He is in deep pain. Reiterate you sorrow and your love for him and your strong desire to make it up to him and reaffirm a promise to be faithful forever. Be honest about how he is hurting you in a gentle manner and how you cannot endure to be punished forever. I would expend much energy trying very, very hard to have honest conversation about this before leaving your H for anything that would look like Plan B. You need compassion and he does too, enduring an affair is worse than enduring a death. Think long and quietly and post here for help. We might be able to help you with constructive ideas for a letter to your H if you post a draft first. I am sorry for the pain you feel. No one deserves to be punished with no end in sight. Try your best to touch your H's heart gently.

Calla, <P>I am going to venture to say that yes. Plan B can become a wake up call. Please let me share my situation. Realize now (like a movie or used car disclaimer... LoL) that H is out there with OW but the disucssion piece of our relationship is getting better. Hm...... <P>H by choice is a loner. He does not fit well in social situations. He moves nervously among others but enjoys doing fun things (his kind of fun not necessarily what everyone else wants to do). Therefore, he is a bit selfish. Acts bored when it is not his interests. We even left him in a restraurant once sleeping because he was too bored with the conversations going on around him with all of his friends and family. We did not leave him all together, just stepped away from the table (and watched him from a distance). He does that regularly and his best friend (the one that married us and loves him like a brother instigated it). <P>Anyway, in plan A the more I tried to be nice, the worse it got. Then H confessed that he knew he was giving me a bad time, knew it was wrong but just could not help himself. Sound crazy? Oh it gets better. That is why he had the A's. All that kidding around we used to do before we got married was not all in fun. It was a nervous habit of his that turned into a monster. No social skills. Personality disorder of sorts. Chemical unbalance issues? Maybe. <P>In time, H began to see were the issues really layed, not with me but with him. Yes my reactions tripped his up, some but he learned that most of it was because of him. Even now he has told OW that he is the cause of our failure not I. She won't buy that one, she keeps putting the blame on me and stroking that ego of his. Weak as he is, he knows it's wrong and keeps falling for it. <P>What does that mean for you? Well, there may be hope. However you should not have to put up with this kind of continued abuse. Me too. H went out partially because he could see himself continue to hurt me mentally and emotionally. He is now reconciling himself to that point. Whether he comes home or not is not up to me. Letting him back in is up to me. Either way he is finally learning to live and deal with himself. H said that he is angry that it took him this long and this much trouble to learn about himself. <P>If you want to share this with your H. Go ahead. Hope it helps. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Mthrrhbard,<BR>Thanks for your thoughts...I know you're right about communicating my feelings with him. I'm sure that even though I haven't said it, to a degree he knows what I am feeling. I fear that I have become a "conflict avoider" and that I'm so afraid of the end of my marriage that I have avoided discussing the issues, even though the kind of life we have now is not really any better than being separated, except for our son. The writing idea is a good one. My anger or my tears can't get in the way if I write down my feelings...good thought. Thanks.<P>Orchid,<BR>My H has the "loner" thing in common with yours. Does it frustrate you as much as it does me??? I'm a very social person and enjoy get-togethers and activities with family and friends. My H has never been the social "butterfly" that I am, but was a willing enough participant in social gatherings...until the last year and a half or so. Then his anti-social tendencies became greatly magnified. Now he doesn't want to to ANYTHING with ANYONE. It really gets to me. I feel like if we can both come out of this experience having learned things about ourselves, it won't have been a total loss. And maybe it takes separation to learn those things. thanks for your perspective.<P>As an aside...this evening I've read a lot of posts from both WSs and BSs who have lost sexual desire and consequently have lived in marriages with NO SEX for many months or even YEARS!!! I, for one, find this amazing and can't imagine living for long periods of time with no sex in my relationship. Maybe I'm atypical for a woman, but sexual fulfillment is up there in my top three EN's, as well as affection. For me, they are very connected. And I don't plan on living years of my life with no intimate connections. Some of those who are doing without are in recovery, and others just seem to accept a no-sex policy as part of their marriage. I can't imagine!! As someone who greatly misses a man's arms around me at night as I fall asleep, I plan to get it back in my life, one way or another. <P>calla