<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>OK, suspend Plan B?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I vote yes, suspend Plan B.<P>

Oooooo Sheryl, you're the conttrarian, aren't you? Please elaborate your rtationale?<P>dave

Dave,<P>If you are truly asking our opinion on whether or not to suspend Plan B, I think you should dedicate a post asking it. That way we can hear from the seasoned MBers such as K, JL, etc.<P>If you do generate a seperate post dedicated to this topic, reference this thread for the background info.<P>Just a thought ....<P>Jo<P>

I agree with Jo, start a thread.<P>As for me, I see the continued implimentation of Plan B as a weapon for her use in court. Right now, it won't hurt you to go back to Plan A, but being careful to protect your heart...<P>That means, work with her in a co-parenting capacity, be a good dad (as you have been), and be the best man you can be (as you also have been)... <P>I worry that she'll use the Plan B efforts against you, and that in the long run, it will only hurt you.

Dave:<P>The courts are not necessarily shallow. Depends on the judge (I mentioned earlier the one my lawyer manuevered to get: a very conservative older female judge who took a dim view of wives abandoning their family and marital obligations). This is where you need to talk to your lawyer vis a vis your legal strategies regarding Marriage Builder's concepts.<P>So keep up the Plan B until your attorney advises with a sound legal reason to discontinue it.<P>[Oops. Didn't mean to hit the Submit Now button before saying: Your letter is a good vent, however, let your lawyer handle correspondence with your wife's attorney. Costs you a bit more, but you can maintain the Plan B in the interim as you will not have violated the no contact part of Plan B. Do, however, show your attorney your letter, let him also know the importance of MB as a means to try to preserve your marriage, as a means to improve yourself, and a better environment for your son. There ... now I can hit the Submit Now button ...]<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited August 03, 2001).]

snl,<P>I doubt that this is really about worthatry's wife not feeling safe being emotionally open to her H - I think it is far more likely that she does not feel safe HAVING any emotions other than anger. They have lived through a terrible tragedy - those of us who have been fortunate enough to have never endured the loss of a child can not possibly understand. I know I can not come close to comprehending the depth of my sister's grief for her murdered son. <P>Worthatry's wife began her affair within months of the death of their son. This is not about whether they are a "good fit" - this is about the effects of grief, and I think it is cruel to minimize or ignore the role of the grief in this. No one who has lost a child recently can possibly be in an emotional state to make life altering decisions. I read somewhere that only about 10% of marriages survive the loss of a child - surely that does not mean that the parents were any less of a "good fit" than average. I think this is much more likely about worthatry's wife's attempt, unfortunately in a devastating manner, to cope with the depression precipitated by their son's death, and about an opportunistic OP who thought nothing of preying on someone who was emotionally vulnerable. <P>

Nellie:<P>I agree, WAT's wife has many issues that she is hiding/avoiding in the midst of this "feel-good" affair.<P>Plan A ... and now Plan B ... is attempt to get her to the point where she can get help for these things. At least that is how WAT's approach appears (sorry, Dave, if I am "putting words in your mouth") to me.<P>However, his wife's anger, pain, remorse, guilt, etc. can only be addressed (by WAT and counselors) when her present situation is resolved (the affair). I hope she finds herself and finds the healing she needs. I firmly believe that WAT's course is one of trying to bring her to that point, and in my opinion he has done a whale of an admirable job in very adverse conditions.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi WAT,<BR> I'm a newbie to the forum but not to courts and the legal system. My first advice is to call your attorney and to spill it all to him/her. Second you need to look to the future as it currently stands. Assume that your W is preparing for a war. This is a war you don't want to lose, yet you don't want to fight. Prepare facts, catch up on anything that's delinquent, give your wife a set number of days to pick up her dogs, make sure she has no ammunition that you inadvertently furnish. It's amazing how an attorney can take a wrinkled shirt and turn it into child neglect. I think you know you're a devoted and caring father, so drop the defense on that and just keep being a good father. Allow your attorney to handle your W and sorry but I think it's time for a Plan B-1, allowing contact with any and all matters that pertain to your son. Trust me, they will use that if it continues. My final advice here is to take care of YOU. I know this is all distressing to you, but keep yourself whole and don't let the lies in that letter bring you down to that level. Many prayers are headed your way. Stay strong and be happy<BR>~TD~<P>------------------<BR>I'm falling even more in love with you<BR>Letting go of all I've held onto.<BR>I'm standing here until you make me move.<BR>I'm hanging by a moment here with you.<P>From Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

Nellie, STL and others (I can't remember all of you - what a luxury!) are all correct, I think, regarding the affect of our loss on this whole mess. Our marriage was far from perfect before our son got sick, but I know that long term project affected both of us beyond description.<P>I am thinking clearly and I know what I need to do. My heart has callouses that have made it durable. My remaining son and I are strong and we will prevail. In 8 days (8/11) will be the second anniversary of our son's death. Last year, on the first anniversary, I nearly admitted myself to the ER - I was so distrought over that and my wife's affair coming simultaneously. This year will be very, very different.<P>WAT

WAT, I'm glad you are feeling stronger... I know you and your son will be all right. I will be thinking of you (and all of your family ) on the anniversary of your son's death.<P>As you know, I wholeheartedly agree with Nellie. I'm afraid that that is why some of the tried and true techniques here at MB don't work EXACTLY by the book when depression is a or THE major factor.<P>Depressed people really know how to rewrite history whether with an OP or not. And clearly, as witnessed in our culture, depressed individuals resort to many different forms of self medication.<P>I still think the principles here can be used in these situations... to hopefully keep the door open (A) and love alive (B)... but the bottom line is that THEY need to first admit to the problem... and even then, seek and follow treatment. <P>I know you'll do the right thing. And I hope you have a restful beach trip. You need the break to soften those callouses. I mean that for all of us!!!!<P>ANd just a final note regarding the detritus spewing your way from her lawyer...<BR>No one can make you feel inferior without your permission .(Eleanor Roosevelt)<BR>

Enjoy the beach Dave!

tootrusting - It was an easy first conclusion over a year ago that I assigned the majority of my wife's behavior to unresolved grief. (Disclaimer - I am not innocent of contributing to the affair-friendly environment.) A few tidbits that I've mentioned over the months, but I'll summarize here that supported my initial conclusion:<P>1. OM is NOT her style. She and I used to have a LOT of fun at his expense. He was a good person, just an arrogant a$$ (can you be both?). The affair is not about her running to OM, it's about her running FROM her pain. She's using OM as self medication to distract her from her pain. I can not answer the obvious question of why I couldn't provide this "service", other she didn't feel safe with me. (See disclaimer, above.)<P>2. Just a few months before the affair started, she brought home dog #2 as an intended gift for her Mom. Nope. This was her new baby.<P>3. Around Easter of last year, she "announced" to her close friend (the Mom of the family <son> and I will stay with at the beach and deceased son's Godmother) that "we" were going to adopt a child. I was unaware of this. We had previously discussed it and I was less than enthusiastic - we're too old to adopt an infant and I wanted to concentrate on our remaining family - and not through providing a "replacement" for our deceased son.<P>4. She and I were extremely close to OM's children and vice versa. Our respective children even gave Mother's and Father's Day gifts to the other "parents." I'm not a psychologist, but in hind sight, I think she coveted OM's kids and tried to accomplish this through their father. She wanted so much to help them in their educational endeavors, etc. and, even though OM's wife was her best friend, she considered her to be a lees worthy mother than she was.<P>So, I know I shouldn't be focused on this. tootrusting is correct that only my wife can take the first step towards resolving her problems. Hopefully, I've laid the groundwork for the subsequent steps.<P>Dave (WAT)