I have no idea what to do. I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it sure doesn't fell like nothing.<P>My W has been extremly nice over the past few days, almost scary. She invited me over for dinner last night, we had a good time. Must have called me three times yesterday just to talk and even called late last night after I left just to say good night. She has even called me a few times today. When I went home for luch today she called to ask if I had eaten and if not if I wanted her to make me something.<P>She had asked me yesterday if I would watch the kids tonight so she could spend some time with some friends, I figured it wasn't true but said I would love to. Well when I showed up tonight she had made a really nice dinner for me and the kids, she even had a glass of wine waiting for me. I also noticed that she had put the rose I gave her last friday was in a vase on the table and she had put the card on the wine rack, couldn't miss them. She said she wasn't going to eat that she would snack later. O.K. I'm dealing with it all so far, plan A all the way. As she was getting dressed the kids start telling me about go with her and OM to get a turtle for OM and how much fun they had. WOW to much, wasn't expecting that, and that also explained why all the talk about turtles the other day, she wouldn't get off the subject, lied about everything again.<P>Later as she was about to leave she noticed that I wasn't so chipper anymore and ask what's up. I change the subject several times to no avail. I told her that I was alittle upset but that it was something that I needed to deal with, no good, she wants more info. So I told her what the kids had told me and that it bothered me. She said "I know all you've asked of me is that I be honest but just how honest do you want me to be?". I didn't know there were differnt degrees of being honest, I thought you either were or weren't. She went on to ask if I wanted her to stay home I said no. She went on to add that they may be meeting up with the "guys" (OM) later on. I told her thanks for being honest. As I write all this down I guess it doesn't seem so bad but I tell you it hurt like H***, I fell like I got slapped in the face, like I've been betrayed all over again.<P>What was all the nice stuff about, did she mean it as I took it (her trying to show me she cares and that the little things meant something to her), did she do it to butter me up for tonight, was she testing me or was it to help her guilt? Was I really seeing some signs that the plan A was working or did I want it to much and saw what wasn't there? Do I pretend that nothing happened when she gets home in a few hours, or do I say nothing and just leave? What do I do if when she decides to tell me OM was there or wasn't there. My head is just swimming right now.....<P>Any insight or ideas, I was feeling so bad I almost asked her to stay home so I could leave. I know this doesn't sound like very much but I don't know how to descride how horrible I felt and when she keep asking what she could do and gave me a hug before she left, I just couldn't take it, I went outside and cried for a few minutes. Every time I think I'm done crying over her I do it again, atleast not infront of her or the kids.<P>Darnit I thought things were actually going well.<P>silwl<BR>

Things are going well. After all, she did invite you over for dinner, right? And so what if she is doing all of these things to try and appease her guilt. The point of the matter is that she has done these things for YOU.<P>Keep your cool when she gets home later. Remember the rules of care, and don't LB. If you feel one coming on, tell her that you're tired and have to go, even though you would like to stay longer. It wouldn't be a lie. You're tired of the waffling, and you do want to stay (you just won't unless the OM is out of the picture).<P>It seems pretty quiet on here tonight. I hope you get other responses before she comes home.<P>Karen<BR>

Topie25,<P>Thanks, you are right, after I calmed down and reread my post I realized what you saw and are saying. I'll use your response if I feel an LB comming on, great way to bail out. Plan A just seems so hard sometimes I find myself getting tired and I still have alot to learn. Thanks again it helps...<P>silwl

I think your w's niceness is very good. Signs that Plan A is working. SHe is just trying to figure out what she wants. The OM doesn't know about Plan A. He will LB, and you won't!! Ha! how about that!<P>My suggestion is to avoid any topics dealing with - or possibly dealing with the OM. It hurts you, and will cause LB's. I mean what are we supposed to say?? Well, have a good time! ha-ha. Yes, we want honesty, but do we really?? I don't know, maybe it's good for them to confess things like that and see the hurt in our eyes - as long as we don't LB( angry outburst or direspectful judgment). <P>Why did you tell her that you didn't want her to stay home?<P>As far as tonight, what do you think you should do? Can you avoid LB's? If not, leave. (I take it you don't live with her at the moment? i'm sorry - alittle unfamiliar with your story.)

Faith,<P>I didn't tell her to stay home first because I thought I'd LB because I was upset. Second because with my W that in it's self would be an LB. Well in the past it would be. She would haw huffed and puffed all night long, given me the look and made rude remarks, LB all the way.<P>I moved out about 4 weeks ago, it went almost just like in SAA. I have several other post on forum that go into more detail.<P>One last little footnote. Iwas just reminded when I saw my clothes hanging by the door. Last night she asked if I had any clothes that needed ironing I said sure I do. She said she was doing some ironing in the morning if I wanted to bring it over she'd do it. Strange, so I said sense I was watching the kids I'd do it myself. She got real mad at me for that so I agreed to bring my clothes by. Sure enought when I came over tonight they were ironed and by the door. Strange I thought.<P>silwl<P>

Hi Silwl:<P>I'm sorry I'm not familar with your story either but I understand where you're coming from...standing by while WS steals away with OM is hard on your ego...no matter how nice she is beforehand.<P>I often find myself over-analyzing why my WH does nice things for me...why he's making a special effort on one particular day...does he have a motive?...is he feeling guilty?...I can't really ever know for sure so I've found I just have to accept it and respond in kind...because whatever the reason...my response has been a positive one and that will either make him feel guiltier if he's feeling guilty or rewarded if he's just feeling nice...either way I win...don't you think.<P>Faye

Gotcha... on the LB thing. I understand completely.<P>I guess we can't figure out their foggy brains!! Can't they make special hearing aids that will interpret what they say for us? And something to shock us when we're about to LB!???!!!<P>hang in there. I do believe Plan A is working. Keep doing it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>What was all the nice stuff about, did she mean it as I took it (her trying to show me she cares and that the little things meant something to her), did she do it to butter me up for tonight, was she testing me or was it to help her guilt? Was I really seeing some signs that the plan A was working or did I want it to much and saw what wasn't there? Do I pretend that nothing happened when she gets home in a few hours, or do I say nothing and just leave? What do I do if when she decides to tell me OM was there or wasn't there. My head is just swimming right now.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I gotta interject here.. Now my situation is quite unique.. I must put this out there.. not as a motivation destroyer.. but as a caring individual... who experienced alot of this myself.<P>First enjoy everything that she is doing for you. Either it will continue or it will stop. Thank her for dinner, thank her for doing everything that she did and leave it at that. Yes she went out.. yes with him. That is hard to deal with. Been there over and over and over again. Received very many rewards from my W, before they were shortly shattered an hour later. Gifts, cards, letters, hugs, kisses, dinner, a movie... you name it.. I've got it. <P>Plan A is working, or you wouldn't be receiving anything from her. When Plan A quits working.. you'll have nothing from her.. Then you will know. She is still very much fence sitting.. being the loving mother and a good wife, and trying to appease the OM.<P>Testing you? Probably.. I'd expect the same behavior and situation to hit you again... how much you can take.. before you don't want to be her sitter anymore? I don't know. Your sitting the kids, and her gestures of kindness in the end, get her what she wants.. peace from you, comfort in knowing that the kids are being taken care of, while she still maintains her relationship. I had to eventually tell my W, that I wasn't going to enable her relationship by being Mr. Babysitter.. She moved out 2 weeks later. <P>Now.. I don't want you to look at my response and think.. that your bubble has burst.. because it hasn't.. you still came out on top. Your wife still loves you and is being as respectful of you as she can. If you can keep it that way... you can bet that her sitting on the fence will be facing you, and that is where you want her. She'll see you doing all the wonderful things that you are doing and becoming again and you'll be irresistable to her. Keep a level head and DON'T push her away.. Avoid asking too many questions that will turn into LB. <P>Judge the whole event, at the end of the day. Only then will you truly know.<P>Peace<BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

silwl:<P>Plan A is working, so keep it up. Work a bit more on the potential LB's. I agree with H2Y's assessment that she is fence sitting. But Plan A is about filling her emotional needs (as well as working on you!) to supplant those that the OM is filling.<P>The fog is still there, but she wouldn't be fixing dinner, etc. if she were totally in. She's waffling. Has she done an emotional needs questionnaire with you yet? If not, mention it: tell her that in order to be a better husband, you want to know what she needs. Just a thought.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

buffy<P>As you see I do tend to over-analyze as well, thank you for your words of encouragement.<P>H2Y<P>No you didn’t burst my bubble, I appreciate your honesty and candor. Thank you especially for that last statement. After all was said and done the entire event I believe ended in my favor, not OM. She came home as she said she would @ 10:45. I was rocking our D when she came in and she looked really sad. We maid small talk and she went to get ready for bed. She came back out and sat on the couch beside me and made some more small talk. I worked it in where I asked her if she was o.k. because she looked down when she came in. She said “I’m o.k. I’m home now”, I left it at that, didn’t push. Then she asked “Could you take this and sell it for me I don’t think I can, it’s worth a lot and we could use the money” she handed me a Tiffany bracelet that OM gave her almost a year ago. I told her I would if that was what she wanted but it was up to her, and she should think about it. She said she had and she would just tell OM that it broke and she lost it. Doesn’t sound good for OM. Then she asked if I was coming to dinner tomorrow night, I said sure we are planning on cleaning the garage the next two nights so she can have a garage sail Saturday. She said well then you come over for dinner Friday as well . Then she asked if we were still going to the movies on Saturday night, I said yes. Well that doesn’t leave much time for OM now does it? She then gave me a big hug and asked if I’d put our D to bed and to lock up when I left. So after all was said and done at the end of the day I guess everything turned out great. Almost forgot she had me take her SUV because I had some boxes to move and said it would give them an excuse to stop by and see me at work during the day tomorrow. Figure all that out, I’m not even going to try right now.<P>STL<P>I had thought about asking her to fill out the questionnaire or working it into a letter some how but didn’t want to seem pushy. I’ve brought up things like that before and she hasn’t received them well, thought I was trying to force her. Maybe it was my approach, not sure but I’m going to wait a little while longer and feel it out.<P>Thanks to all of you for your help.<P>silwl <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Figure all that out, I’m not even going to try right now.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think YOU already did.. YOU know the answer... look how it all ended at the end of the day. Who came out on top? Think about it.<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

H2Y<P>You're right, when I woke up this morning I didn't give it a secound thought, I already knew. Thanks again for your guidance and wisdom. <P>silwl