Hi,<P>It has really been nice seeing you Bin and Winny in some threads. Sure have missed you. lv, aftershock

Hey woman!<BR>Same here! Have been visiting other forums, esp. Pregnancy/Child. Almost got flamed off of the Pregnancy board because of my history as OW with OC. Basically, just wanted to encourage wives that if they decide not to have contact with OC, things can turn out okay, as they did with my grownup OC. *sigh*<P>Apologies have been exchanged and accepted and we're rockin' on. FYI:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001528.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001528.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001588-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001588-2.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001632.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001632.html</A> <P>How are YOU doing?????? Everything all right?

BIN,<BR>I suppose I am just hanging in there. H has been having back pain/muscle/sciatica. I did some domestic stuff, cleaned up the laundry room. Thought I was really meeting some EN. I was really proud of myself, but crashed this morning because he wanted to wear a pair of pants that were in the ironing. I'm really living up to the Marital Recovery Agreement (but so is he). That is facitious. We had a small conversation yesterday morning, I said I was making all the changes, and he asked if he wasn't too - he's right - he has made some changes. I seem to have backed off on having to have a relationship discussion.<P>Then, I just don't have enough time. I'm getting ready to go on a business trip for two weeks, will be back Aug 18. H will be house H for two weeks, and watch the girls. Then when I get back, the girls start school. Round and round we go.<P>I guess if you really look at the big picture, some small change every day. I just feel like I really fell down, (for the past several years) like how am I going to pick myself up again. Right now seems like microscrunchins.<P>How are things with you now? I really like it here, haven't ventured out too much onto other boards. Sometimes you can't help a hard feeling. I know I've posted something and then remembered I needed to put a few more words to make it clearer. I know I did that yesterday. I'll go back and clarify.<P>At least H says he wants to stay with me. I get so frustrated at times though. I told him couple of days ago when I get back, I'm gonna' call Steve and make a counseling appointment. We were talking the other day, and I was so surprised to hear he did not think he was doing anything wrong when that stuff was happening with her (OW). I had him fill out this quest. on Marital Stress, that's how the conversation started. I did not LB, angry outburst, or dis. judgment. Only one small time did I feel like crying. At least that feeling of wanting to cry all the time is about gone. I do get triggers and I'll feel awful for a day or so. He did admit yesterday morning, that he would like for things to be more pleasant around here. Welcome to my world. It still dumbfounds me that you have a marriage, yet you didn't think you were doing anything wrong. Sometimes I give him credit that he really didn't know what was going on, but he had the power to put the brakes on - one really should know when someone is coming on to them. He doesn't think I'll ever let it lie - but I'm about at that point that I can. I really do get sick and tired of thinking about it, why do we women have to keep bringing stuff up. I take solace in that she called a year ago in July, and the days tick by. One more day without the bi#%! I don't think about OW too much anymore, except to celebrate in that she's been gone a year, and that I really, really hate her. Just hope I'll never see her again. I think it's time to back off - that poor horse is dead now, hope I don't have to beat it anymore.<P>I just wish I'd start getting a card from him. I stopped giving cards a while back. Seems to work better for my self esteem. I really do try to back off - I know I hear it in other threads, how much they love their ... I just think how much we once were in love, and how it was reciprocated, and how it is now. That's the part of me I just want to throw it all away, and start all over again. But he's still in my bed, been there for 15 years, so I should look at that as a positive, even if we haven't made love in 18 mos., (I'm not counting the May thing). And I blew any breakthrough with a LB, because I could not be patient, he was actually looking forward to it - and I blew it. Another positive, at least the "I'm not interested" attitude is gone - that attitude from last June thru Aug. Even though we think nothing is happening - it really is.<P>Okay, so get positive - WOW - what a book I wrote - thanks for asking. <P>Let me here from you. lv and hugs, aftershock

I pray that you would enjoy a safe business trip and that things would run smoothly at home while you're gone.<P>I'm glad that the OW in your life did not get pregnant because it would have complicated things so much further and perhaps caused you even more pain and frustration!<P>Just think, you have survived a year and you are still married! That's terrific! I don't think the love busters will go away, we just have to keep working hard at keeping our attitudes in check every day.<P>I talked to my neighbor who has been married for 47 years and he told me how much more work it is now than it ever was! It's just the nature of marriage, I suppose. We are always having to bend or give in and sacrifice for each other.<P>I'll be praying for you. And please feel free to write a book anytime!!! Have a good day!

BIN,<BR>It doesn't matter what kind of A, the hurt is there all the same, I think. Since ours was an EA, long distance, the computer played a part w/ e-mails as friends - HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID? Still, he thinks everytime we have a discussion, I'll bring "her" "it" up - and he's right, I need to quit doing that - so we'll move forward.<P>The big difference today is he talks about work to me. I was listening to our conversation back and forth last night and this morning and reveling in the fact that he is talking to me, and I remember back to last summer and the silence.<P>You didn't tell me how you are doing. I have e-mail at slinkyk18@yahoo.com (no I'm NOT 18 (wishful)) hugs, aftershock

Hi, Shock and Bin!<BR>What a nice surprise to see a topic partly addressed to me! <grin!> Thanks so much, sweetie!! <P>Have a safe and good trip, Shock. It was so good to hear that things are so much better now for you, although they are not the way they were before all this mess started. Believe me--it's the same way for me and my H, too. I can relate to what you said about how it's amazing that you go along thinking you're doing all the right things in your marriage, then one day, POW! NOT! It was exactly the same way for me, and to the day I die, I don't think I'll ever quite understand what happened.<P>It's good that the OW is now one year in the history book. You know what's funny?? My H's EA was exactly one year ago, too, and as far as I know or can tell, there has been no contact with the OW for a very long time. I would guesstimate that it's been at least since last December. <P>I know what you mean about the constant urge to bring it all up (much like spoiled food! yuk!), and it's so hard to keep quiet about it sometimes. Although we are getting along MUCH, much better and like you said little improvements a day at a time, there are still times when I want to hear more from his own lips about why he allowed himself to even THINK about another woman. Then, the thought hits me that I know I would not like it if he were to bring up a really bad mistake I made all the time, either. By any chance, did you read DesertRose's post on letting go? I can't recall which forum it's on, but if you can do a search and find it, please do read it. <P>BIN, someday, I'd love to find out more about your situation with the grown kids. In my M, the grown kids are mine from another marriage and they have caused a lot of problems in this marriage. In fact, had I only realized how bad my H felt concerning them, his EA may never have happened. I could write a BOOK on their escapades and the trouble they brought into our home! Live and learn, and that's what I' trying to do now. Any help or advice you could give would be deeply appreciated!<P>OK, gals....have a good weekend, ok? Please say a little prayer for me for my upcoming anniversary, which is on Aug. 14th. He will be away at work, and I am anxious over how to act: should I even mention it to him, as in remind him of it? Or, should I just wait and see what happens?<P>Hugs to you both...best wishes always,<BR>Winny

Will promise to remember you all in my heartfelt prayers. Yes, teenager(s) can be a handful. With my situation, raising mine alone for a time and then getting married, my son (OC) was a big source of arguments and now I simply try not to LB. As a wife, it seems we learn to zip the lip, eventually, just to keep the peace!<P>If I try to interpret my son's behavior or thoughts, it means I'm taking sides, if I disagree with my H's method of discipline, I'm criticizing his parenting. It's a no win, so some things we just have to give to God and let Him persuade the other person.<P>If their minds are open to hearing God's gentle influence, things can work out, as long as we keep the faith and don't get in God's way with a bad attitude. Basically our family dynamic is a healthy and thriving unit. Occasionally, we have our moments of discord, but everyone is committed to pleasantness so we manage to work through.<P>Went through an extremely rough period between age 14-17, but now OC is carrying a 4.0, paying rent and his own tuition, youth leader at church. The rewards are paying off and multiplying every day. God is good! That's why I can believe that no matter what it LOOKS like around us, God has a good outcome planned eventually if we don't give up hope.<P>You guys have a good weekend and take care of yourselves. Everything will be all right. God is with you!

<BR>Hi, bin!<BR>It sounds like things are working out very well with your son and you deserve to feel proud of him. Believe me, I know how rough it is to balance things among everyone. In our situation, the kids were all early teens when my H and I first met. He went overboard helping them out (often, against my better judgement)and soon, they were taking full advantage of him. I saw it coming--he, being childless, didn't see. <P>After I discovered his EA, there were a LOT of arguments and discussions and one thing that came out was how hurt he was over my kids' lack of sensitivity towards the two of us as people. Mainly, he was upset at how they could really stir things up in our household (kids are all grown and on their own, and have been for the past 10 years)and he would still pitch in and help out just to preserve the peace in our home. This resentment grew and grew until I was viewed as the 'enemy', or the cause of all this disharmony. In many ways, he was right: I just kept taking my kids' sides, and making excuses for them, etc. Eventually, he felt like we had TWO families: his and mine, and mine and my kids.<P>Since coming to the MB site and literally devouring all of the info I could, I came to realize that my kids and I were stomping all over his feelings. I just put myself in my H's shoes and in my mind, reversed our roles. WOW! What a wakeup call THAT was! Looking back now, I am amazed he stayed with me as long as he did. It's odd how when you put yourself in the other's place how different things look and feel. I have been in PLan A for about 4 months now and am very happy to say that it is working beautifully. We now are sharing that connected feeling again--really connected to each other because we want to be, not because of legality (marrige license) or because we 'have' to be.<P>Hope all is going well with you and your family, Bin. If you ever want to talk about OC issues, please feel free to do so. I'm here, and am still learning day by day! By the way, I kNOW God led me to this site. I have met so many wonderful people here and together, we are getting through some pretty awful stuff. Prayers really DO work!<P>Hugs and asking God to bless each one of us,<BR>Winny