I've been reading "Winning Your Wife Back" and even though I'm not a sports fan, unless its Nebraska Cornhusker football, I have to use a football analogy to describe today's events.<P>I have been backed up to about the goal line and I need some room to manuever. So I called wife at lunch today and completed a first down to get some room. I now have room and I'm closer to the endzone! Here's the replay. <P>I've been getting advice to keep in contact with my wife in some way or another. So today I decided to call her at her parents. I didn't actually expect her to be there, she's supposed to be looking for a job. But SHE answered the phone! Told her I was just calling to see how she was, if she'd had any luck finding a job or an apartment. She didn't talk too much at first about what's been going on. Prefering to ask me questions about how therapy is going and such. I answered her questions and then said "But I didn't call to talk about me, I want to know how you are and how your job search is going." Slowly she starts to talk about it. Not a lot of jobs for someone of her skills in a town of 28,000. Everything seems to be filled by the time she applies. She did find an apartment in a smaller town a few miles away because she can't afford to live in the bigger town, but still doesn't have a vehicle. I asked if I could help in any way. Politely told no. He breaks from the huddle.<P>Took the opportunity to thank her for making me work on myself. Told her I'm feeling so much better. Wished for her to get HER own space so SHE could work on HER own issues. Emphasised HER each time I said it. Asked if she'd made an appointment with the doctor for her checkup. Said she had and asked why I wanted to know. Said "Just because I care and I want you to be healthy." He lines up on the line of scrimage.<P>She says that between living with her parents and my calls, she's feeling smothered. Said I could understand how hard that could be. I love her parents but man can they talk, talk, talk. Doubt much of it is about her. I asked if my calls are a problem. Not told no, but told that she isn't getting time to think. So I offered to not call as often. Every 4 days isn't often enough in my book, but I want her to see that I'm listening. Just between you and me I'm still going to send cards and letters. But don't tell her that! He takes the snap and drops back.<P>I didn't ask about the affair or the other guy once. Felt good about avoiding that penalty. Said she is going to have to spend the weekend babysitting her sisters new baby. Both days, all day. Told her that I sympathize, it seems like people are not listening to her and her needs. He releases the ball.<P>At the end of the conversation(and at least a dozen times during) I said "I love you and I miss you!" She said "I know." I started laughing and said "You can't even say it after 12 years?" Trying to stay upbeat. She said she doesn't want me to get any ideas that she'll be right home. I said, "I understand that, I was just saying it because I FEEL it. I didn't think you'd be right home. I'm more concerned that you're happy, healthy and safe." Said, "If you come home or not, I only wish for your happiness." She didn't say anything to that, but there was a very slight "knot" in her voice at the end. At the very end I made kissy noises AND SHE RETURNED THEM!!!<P>I think other than that she thinks I'm calling too much, which I'm going to cut back on, I didn't have a single penalty in the whole call. 25 minutes! And its complete for a first down! Still a long drive ahead.<P>So, I'm going to really enjoy this weekend. I'll be able to relive that phone call all weekend and be happy. I'm also replacing my 15 year old TV with a new big screen. If I'm going to be alone, I'm going to be watching a lot of TV! <P>Put another card in the mail today! He breaks from the huddle...<p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited August 02, 2001).]

DO not take this the wrong way But that was TOO cute. I get surprise cards in the mail all the time and I love it. I get emails asking me out on dates, All from hubby. And soon we will be renewing our wedding vows!!! <P> You are doing a good job.

SBT,<BR>Way to go. I'm so glad to hear this. It sounds like you are feeling more positive about yourself and the whole situation. Good job.<P>My prayers are with you. I'm so glad you are benefitting from that book even with the sports analogy.<P>Enjoy your new TV.<P>Debbie

LOL!!! you crack me up! <P>I'm so glad you are feeling good and confident. one touchdown for sbt! <P>remember though, you have no idea how she will react - if she will react, don't let it bug ya' either way. You're doing the right things, and learning lots about yourself.<P>Enjoy your new TV!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>I'm so glad you are feeling good and confident. one touchdown for sbt!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No touchdown, a long way to go before that. But I'm closer. And I'm not getting my hopes up too much. Just think its a better start than I have been giving her.<BR>

Don't take this the wrong way because i liked your post and it looks like some headway is being made KISSY NOISES <P>But stop for a moment and think that if your W says she feels like being smothered and wants you to call less, will she really (or can she really) appreciate cards and letters.<P>My W andI staretd to make some progress after I stopped the cards and letters (I did a lot of e-mail and snail mail) and gave her the space and time she needed (and was asking for) to have to herself. <P>Is you wife in counselling? If not, suggest it, it helped my W (WS) enormously.<P>I don't mean to dampen your enthusiasm but, to use another sports analogy, this is a marathon and not a sprint. Your wife may need some time to separate herself from the pack before she can find the direction to the finish line.<P>Good luck <P>E

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><B>But stop for a moment and think that if your W says she feels like being smothered and wants you to call less, will she really (or can she really) appreciate cards and letters.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe not, but I don't have to send them all the time either. If I cut back on calls, I can still send a card or letter once or twice a week. If that causes problems I can cut back even more. I just want her to remember that I'm here and I love her. I think once she's away from her family the cards won't be as big a problem, but I'll feel it out. At least I'm trying!<P>And no she's not in counseling. Not likely to be able to get good counseling in a town of 28,000 and won't be able to pay without a job. Her parent don't have money, and I don't know if new guy would foot the bill. They just met. <P>If she agreed to it I would be happy to pay, but I still don't know where she'd go.<P><BR>Does anyone else think it might not be a good idea to send notes?<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited August 02, 2001).]

I think the once or twice a week would be fine for now. Then just check her response.<P>I have a feeling a big part of the smothering is from her parents, but you may get some of the blame for it. <P>I figured out that at one point, my H was having to keep relationship going with OW, keep his work up, and the FEW times I tried to contact him, he was just soooooo busy, and I was just bugging him ALL the time. I backed off a little - and now that OW doesn't take up as much of his time, my efforts don't seem so smothering anymore.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

You get lots of great grades for trying, that's for sure.<P>It's a delicate dance between making sure they know we are here, still care and want to work with them, and giving them the room they need to find that same spirit in themselves.<P>The best advice my counselor gave me was to listen to what they are saying. It may not be what you want to hear. But if they are saying it, it sure is important to them. <P>You know your situation and W much better tahn any of us. I hope all goes well.<P>Take care <P>E<P> <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>I have a feeling a big part of the smothering is from her parents, but you may get some of the blame for it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Her mom is a housewife, who likes to talk ALL the time. When her dad comes home he does too. But her parents and her don't have a very close relationship, so I doubt they talk much about my wife's problems. I won't avoid my part of the blame, I got myself sacked 3 times before this play. But now I have the playbook and there are a lot of plays to try.<P><BR>I'm editing this to make clear that I don't think less of housewives. My point was that her mom is home all day so she doesn't even get to have time at their place to think. Dad's a rancher, who is in and out of the house all day long. So they're both there most of the day.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited August 02, 2001).]