Brief history:<BR>Married 2 1/2 yrs. Relocated for a job 6 mos ago. W joined me 3 weeks ago. W had difficulty finding a job. Caught W having phone conversations with M 'friend'. Argument ensued, now separated and W living with her mom. I am not sure whether any physical infidelity occurred, but my self-protection kicked in and I flew her back home to avoid being hurt. Bad decision on my part. This is the 3rd or 4th time she has had this type of what I perceive is infidelity(phone conversations) in the last 9 yrs. My therapist says the does this to make me suffer for what she feels is my neglect toward her(not fulfilling her EN). Therapist also asks why I married her after knowing her pattern, and I said I thought marriage would change it. Wrong again. Now I am trying to decide whether to try and work it out or give up and move on. I still love her immensely, and she says she still loves me as well. One of our problems is that after we reconciled after the previous incidents, we never discussed an approach to preventing it from happening again. All I got were promises, which are never kept when someone feels neglected and wants to get back at the other person. I know what the plan will be if I want to get her back, and I am patient enough. However, I don't know if it will be worth it to be happy together for a couple more years before it happens again. My complacency with regard to my focusing on her ENs is the root of the problem, and I guess I need to figure out a way to change that. However, I also don't believe it's right for her to strike up a secret relationship(telephone or otherwise) instead of discussing with me that I am not fulfilling her ENs. Can anyone give me feedback as to what you think I should do? Or if I manage to get her back will I be able to prevent this cycle from happening again if I continue to satisfy her ENs?

Welcome to the forum.<BR>Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? If not, its a must read. Also follow that up with His Needs/Her Needs.<P>Any relationship with an opposite sex person that makes you feel uncomfortable is not ok. Your wife should respect that and she should expect the same from you.<P>If you both want to work on the relationship, is it possible to get her to come back and live with you? Working on the relationship from this vantage point would be easier. <P>There are questionnares that the two of you can do and guidelines for you to follow in Harley's book that are very beneficial. If she is willing, I seriously recommend getting her home and the two of you starting right away on these things. <BR>Also, she must understand that there are no "secret" relationships outside of your marriage and that she can not contact any of these men that she has been having phone relationships with any longer. Your marriage can not heal while she is engaged in that kind of behavior.

Thank you cleopatra. I am currently reading His needs, Her needs, and will move on to the next book soon. I agree with your assessment, the problem is convincing her that what she is doing is not healthy for our relationship.