Dumplin,<P>Perhaps ask him if you can be of any help with the band business. I use to help my H with the bookings. Just any little thing to get yourself involved and to be a part of his life. Now he may not like you even asking, so approach him very carefully about it.<P>It doesn't seem fair that he carves out time for OW, I agree. But that's just how this thing works. Don't question it, just Plan A and don't LB him. <P>I'm sorry you're going thru this, Hon. You don't deserve it.<P>Come here and vent and ask for advice as much as you need to. If you get upset with him, come here and we'll help you get thru it.<P>Best,<BR>Jo

Thanks Jo. I already help him with the band as much as possible. He has no problem asking me for help. Another question--I hope you all don't get tired of me. When H is stressed out and upset about the band (which is alot here lately) how should I react? One of his LB's (he actually filled out the questionnaires!!) is I'm mopey and depressed all the time and another is I sometimes act like I don't care about anything. I can't fathom being happy and in a cheerful mood when he feels like his life's dream is going down the drain. I'm confused on how to react. Mainly, I've just been listening and telling him (sometimes) what I think. Most of the time, I just listen. I don't know whether to offer advice or not. I've told him I'm sorry that all this is happening and if he ever needs to talk I'm here. I've also told him that I really can't offer much advice since I'm "not in the band", but I'm willing to listen. I know he works very hard for us and for the rest of the band. If the band doesn't play, no one makes any money.<P>Thanks,<BR>Anna

Sorry, I just realized I left some info off my last post. H has sat down and told me he realizes his job has costs our marriage alot. H also told me he knows women that wouldn't normally give him the time of day adore him just because he's onstage. I don't know how to comfort him on this since I agree with him totally. I don't want him to give it up though since it is his dream and his is very good at what he does. Hopefully, H knows this--I've told him so many times not to quit, to keep going. I've also told him I know he works hard for us. Don't know what else to do. H says he needs time, but we don't know when if ever if he'll have it. The band is taking all his time up and he doesn't have time to figure out his personal life. The only thing I can pray is the OW gets tired of it. He still won't have time to work on our relationship that much, but it would make it much easier.

Well, we have another good night last night. He came in and they had semi-solved another crisis with the band. Believe getting the other band members to halfway solve anything is better than nothing. H is back to sleeping with me again. I found out that he would like to come home one night and see me in something "nasty". I told him I would have before, but I didn't want to be thoughtless of his feelings when he's been so upset lately about the band. I told him that I didn't want to seem flippant about his situation. I didn't mention anything about the shape of our relationship or the OW. He thought about it for a minute and said he understood what I was saying and said thanks. I wonder though if it would help him to take his mind off the business if I did it anyway. Before gauging his mood. I just don't know if I could handle any more rejection right now. I'm thinking of trying it in a couple of days or maybe tonight. Would tonight be too soon? I don't want to be needy, but I want to show him I'm trying.<P>Anna

Good news everyone. H told me he loved me today. He hasn't said it in over a week since episode with OW on the phone. How do you know when to back off though? I don't want to push to much right now, but I can't help but tell him I love him.

You really are doing fine, Anna ... just remember: baby steps and patience.<P>Sounds as if you are finding out what some of his emotional needs are and that you are working on meeting them - you go, girl!<P>Keep posting here - we really are reading. <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Great! Tell him you love him. THere's nothing wrong with that! Just don't push him too hard to make changes. Keep on with your calm, confident Plan A.

Terri and Faith--Thanks for the vote of confidence. I just get worried if I'm on the right track or not (sometimes I wonder if it matters to him). You are wonderful people to sit back and help others when you probably have enough problems of your own.<P>Anna

I've read in posts about Plan B letters--is there a Plan A letter? Is there someway that I can convey to H that I love him and want to work things out without running him off? All I basically want to say is as long as there is any hope I will be there trying my best (or something along those lines). I also want to let him know how sorry I am for the things I have done to him. No mention of A or any specifics really. I want to let him know this without pushing him or scaring him off. I just want him to know I'm here and I love him.

New problem--H came in drunk tonight and very playful. Everything was okay until he started "playing around" saying he left a blonde to come home to me. I told him it hurt my feelings for him to say that even if he was playing. I didn't think it was funny. We got over that and then he decided he wanted me to call another girl so we could have a threesome. He's been mentioning this for a while and I've considered it. I don't think this is a good time for something like that though. No, I know this isn't a good time for it. I told him I didn't know anyone and I also told him I didn't think this was a very good time for that (after he persisted for a while about it). He just said I knew you wouldn't do it like I had really disappointed him. He said, "I tried, remember that." I'm upset and I know I'm probably not hiding it very well. How the hell could he ask something like that right now since I've told him before I would but our relationship would have to be stronger before I did it. Thank goodness, he's passed out now. What should I do about this situation?? I'm willing to do it, but not at this stage of our relationship. I know it wouldn't help my feelings and it makes me mad for him to make me feel less worthy because I won't. I even tried asking him, "Am I not enough for you?" He said no that I was plenty, but he still wants to. I don't want to be pressured into it. How do I tell him yes, but not now without any added stress around here?

Ask the bum if the third person can be a man....that should put it in correct terms for him.<P> No matter what his answer to the above.....DON'T DO IT!!! Please, do not let him make you a cheap wh*re. <P> That he even suggests such a thing is bad enough. That you are considering it, sucks. You are worth so much more than that.

I was considered when I thought everything was alright with us. I'm not considering it right now. The way he says it though makes me feel like OW would do it so she's a better person. It makes me sick to feel like I'm in competition or something. The way he said, "I knew you wouldn't do it." just blew me away. That's when I got po'ed.

dumplin,<BR>Marriage is one man and one wife. If you agree to his suggestion, you are agreeing to participate in adultery, and condoning him to commit adultery. His adultery has hurt you and your family. DOn't condone it or give into it. ok? You are here because you want to save and rebuild your marriage. Stay focused on that. it will take some more time and work.

How do I let him know that's how I feel? When he first mentioned it, I told him no. Plain and flat out. Since he's kept it up for a year now I've been waivering, thinking anything to save my marriage. I feel like I'm in competition and if OW does it (she may have already for all I know) she will be ahead. One of his EN's is that he wants the sex to be more nasty. My thinking was nighties, playthings. I spent over 100.00 at "Fun Parties" buying toys and books and lotions. Am I married to a pervert? Or is it part of the "fog" thing? It wasn't mentioned until he started his A. I don't understand at all. What can I tell him though???

I wish I could get a WH opinion on this.

There's a section in "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson about this very thing. <P>DON'T do it...don't allow your H to manipulate you into doing something like this. You have the right to expect him to respect certain boundaries...that's what marriage is all about...once you start blurring the boundaries...it won't stop...You will start to feel like a doormat...<P>I am already halfway sorry that I didn't set boundaries when I first discovered A. Boundaries are good. Boundaries show that you love and respect yourself. NEVER LET SOMEONE TALK YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING THAT GOES AGAINST YOUR BELIEFS. If you hesitate, if it feels wrong...it is...for you.<P>I don't want to offend, but when people manipulate others sexually, I see red...<P>Cali<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Dear Dumplin,<BR>Consider yourself hugged. Lust is insatiable, if you give in to a threesome, what's next? It would never end, it sounds like that would be just the beginning of more misery for you! I'm sorry, but IMHO it's not your job to satisfy your husband's lustful whims. No one could fill that position for anyone because lust is insatiable!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin<BR><B>H also told me he knows women that wouldn't normally give him the time of day adore him just because he's onstage. I don't know how to comfort him on this since I agree with him totally.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>When he comes home stressed out about his work, do you think he would be open to prayer? Men need God the most to run their families... <P>Another way you could comfort him is to remind him that you are not one of his groupies, here today, gone tomorrow, but that you and your kids all love and adore him and will be there for him because of who he is, not what he does. You could remind him of the stability he has in his family when all the gigs are over.<P>I also feel that the remarks he makes when he is drunk should be totally disregarded as not only is he in a fog, but in a drunken fog--which is probably an even thicker sort of fog.<P>This article may help you put Harley principles into perspective when dealing with someone under the influence:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html</A>

Thanks for all the advice. Work has been crazy today. Haven't had time to stop and think for five minutes. He has mentioned this when sober also. He mentions it ALOT. What can I say to let him know that I don't want to without screaming, "I think that disgusting and I don't want to."

Thanks for all the help and support. How do I tell him that I don't want to without screaming, "I thinks it's disgusting! Besides, I would want to kill her and you both anyway!" Sorry, my computer has been messed up today and couldn't get into site most of the morning.

Thanks for all the help and support. How do I tell him that I don't want to without screaming, "I thinks it's disgusting! Besides, I would want to kill her and you both anyway!" Sorry, my computer has been messed up today and couldn't get into site most of the morning.