Today my H and I went out to lunch with my daughter. I took the last parking spot when I got there (we took seperate cars). Normally I would have waited outside and told H to park behind my car and block me in since we'd be leaving together.<P>BUT, instead, I went inside and sat down by myself and got a table, letting him determine what to do when he got there and there was no place to park.<P>All day we've been talking about this other issue. I had told my husband I was going to do something without him. He said that he really wanted to be there with me when I did it for the first time. I was torn at first because I did so much want him to be there, but it doesn't feel right since he has not re-committed to me yet. I am trying to set boundaries. I sense we are very close, but I had to say no. But he really wanted to and was bugging me. <P>So, I started bargaining and said I would agree if he was able to do something for me in return. A trade. It seemed harmless at the time, I get something I want, he gets something he wants, but I realized later it was just a bad idea to do this. <P>I should let him come with me because I want it, not because he gave me something I wanted in exchange for it. And he should do the things I asked for because he wanted to do them, not because I wanted it or because we were trading...<P>So, I told him the way I felt, very nicely, and why it was wrong for me to suggest the trade and I apologized. He then turned around and said it was wrong of him to try and get me to let him go when he knew I was not ready (I told him many times I needed us to be together to be able to do this)!!<P>Hmmm... I think this is progress. I hope my husband noticed. <P>In the past, we would have gone ahead with the trade. I am sure we both would have enjoyed ourselves, I would feel fine about it, but my husband would have eventually felt like I manipulated him and tried to control him into doing the thing I asked him to. Even though he agreed to the trade. Many times in the past, he is the one to suggest the trade and then later will feel I manipulated him... I don't feel manipulated because I know I should have never traded in the first place if it wasn't something I was willing to do. My fault, not his. I now realize he thinks differently from me. He doesn't blame himself for agreeing to the trade, he feels controlled/manipulated by me instead because he ended up doing something he didn't want to.<P>I still think it's his own fault for agreeing to the trade in the first place, but... he is himself and he thinks differently from me.<P>This is progress, no?

what was the barter? the trade? can you say?

Dear HbH,<P>You feel good.... I am happy. When we help ourselves do the right thing, it feels right and makes us feel good. <P>I am proud of you. Also, I am learning from your experience. Thanks for the lesson.. teach!! <P>L.<BR>

I guess I can say the trade, I hope you guys will not think less of me... I consider you all my friends, so...<P>My husband and I are nudists (NOT swingers, nudists, many times the two are confused - HUGE difference, no sex involved), I am going up to spend Saturday night with some of our friends at a nudist camp for the first time. My husband really wanted to go with me, but it's something I only feel right doing if we are TOGETHER and he has re-committed to me.<P>I wanted him to write a no-contact letter instead of ending it with OW on the phone, OR let me go with him to a party he is going to Friday night.<P>He wants me to go to the party but there are lots of people there from his school that he has badmouthed me to and he says he will feel very awkward right now. He told these people he would NEVER, EVER get back together with me, and he's afraid they will say bad things about me if we go. <P>No, OW is not going to this, she is not part of that group of friends. At least as far as I know, I have to realize, I never REALLY know anything, right? <P>He wasn't planning on going, then last weekend happened where I went to plan B, and he called the person having the party and said he was DEFINATELY going, so he feels obligated now and can't think of a way to get out of it. Plus it may be the last time he sees these friends, so he'd like to go. I told him I understand...<P>I am glad I helped Topie, if you think of any ways you avoid controlling situations, please share them with me as well.<P>

Aaaah, I think you done good! <P>Using each other's needs as a bargaining chip is definitely manipulation - which you already knew, because you both felt manipulated, controlled and resentful after one of your 'trades'.<P>Honestly, I'd rather have my H meet my needs because he CHOSE to do so, not to gain something he wanted, but because he was choosing to love me. <P>Follow your gut, I think you are on the right path! <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Good for you, I agree with BR. We also went to B&N and bought the surrendered wife book, it is interesting, and IMO is really just another take I think on where the psychology of relationships is maturing to. That being you can only really control your own behaviour, the side benefit I think is that this also encourages emotional honesty in a way. Because to get what you want (and that doesn't change, it is in our genes, just our methodology changes), you must now make yourself more vulnerable, and this has a powerful effect on a partner, and encourages the same from them. This builds intimacy and all that other good stuff that follows.