Hi Patient Love, I just wanted to thank you for your insight about Plan A/B. Had a few questions though. You stress that Plan A is not about winning your spouse back, but about improving yourself (I agree), but how did you treat your H while you were in Plan A? Did you act like nothing had happened? Did your H lead you to believe that he was ending the A and ready to improve your marriage? Aren't we supposed to meet EN's to show that our marriage can be better, and isn't this trying to win them back? Did you continue to have sex with your H? How did you react when you knew he was in contact with OW? Did you let him know that you knew?<P>I'm sorry for all the questions, my Plan A is taking a different turn and I'm nervous and not sure how to handle it. Let me fill you in on my story. D-Day was May 19 and H went to stay at his mom's to get his head straight and decide what he wants to do. While H was staying at his mom's the OW (a co-worker) has been out of town for the past 2 months. H and I have had several dates and have remained (very) intimate, with him spending the night here several nights. Although he has not committed to working on our marriage, H will be coming home this weekend because his mom told him he could only stay 2 months and his time is up. OW will be coming home next week as well!!! <P>Plan A had been easy with him not here all the time so I'm nervous about getting stressed out and LBing when he comes home. He works odd hours and sometimes has to work late so I know I will be stressed out and wondering if he has been with her. I know he is coming home because his mom is throwing him out, but I think if he really didn't want to be here he would go somewhere else. He has told me that if things don't work out for us then he doesn't want to jump into another relationship (duh! too late!!). Part of me feels that he is coming home so that he has an excuse to stop being with the OW. (Maybe it is wishful thinking!) "Sorry OW, my W knows about us, the gig is up." I know that even if he breaks up with the OW he may not want to continue our marriage. And maybe he doesn't want to commit to making our marrige work until after he breaks it off with OW. How many times did your H try to break up with his OW?<P>People think I'm crazy for letting him come back before he is 100% ready to commit. And I have had my doubts as well! But I feel that this will be an important time with OW coming back to town and if he wants to be here then I need to let him. He needs to be here to see my Plan A.<P>Thanks for your input! Heck

heckofagal,<P>Sorry it took me so long in responding,<BR>Kids to feed, bathe and get ready for bed, you know the drill. <P>"You stress that Plan A is not about winning your spouse back, but about improving yourself (I agree)" <P><B>I think the reason that Plan A not being about winning your spouse back is stressed so much is because if that is your intension it won't be a lifestyle change that will carry on into your marriage after your spouse is back and the affair is over.</B><P>"but how did you treat your H while you were in Plan A? Did you act like nothing had happened?"<P><B>My plan A faltered many times. I had a hard time dealing with my emotions and pretending like things were o'kay when they really weren't.<BR>For the most part I tried to find out what my H's ENs were and try and meet them - the main problem or EN that I wasn't meeting was his need for sex with little to no inhibitions. - that was a tough one for me - my H was my first and only partner and he had plenty of partners before me plus I had been molested by an uncle when I was younger and that put a break on things. But like I said in my post before "Fake it to make it" and I started enjoying sex a lot more and that became apparent to him. <BR>I didn't act like nothing happened but I tried really hard not to bring it up all the time.</B><P>Did your H lead you to believe that he was ending the A and ready to improve your marriage? <P><B>Yes Arik did lead me to believe the affair was over several times but his behavior towards me and other evidence - secret email addresses, her profile on his yahoo messenger, changed passwaords at his email account I knew of... - led me to realize that it wasn't.</B><P>"Aren't we supposed to meet EN's to show that our marriage can be better, and isn't this trying to win them back?"<P><B>Yes we do try to meet their emotional needs but it's not really trying to win them back because we need to implement Plan A into our life to maintain our marraige. We also need to reduce or eliminate LB's as well. That is why we call it Plan (insertname). Because it is a lifestyle change.</B><P>"Did you continue to have sex with your H?"<P><B>As you can see from a previous response to one of your q's yes I did continue to have sex with my H. Sometimes I felt ackward. Sometimes it felt realy great. I have to admit when he told me about the affair I never thought I would be able to do it again but I was able to move past it.</B><P>"How did you react when you knew he was in contact with OW? Did you let him know that you knew?"<P><B>In the beginning I "nagged" a lot about not wanting him to be in contact with the OW. I would point out any evidence I had that he had talked to her, IMed her or whatever. I made one statement somewhere about 3 months into his affair. "Even if I don't say it very often I want you to know I will never be o'kay with you being friends with OW. I will never be o'kay with you working with OW. I am extremely uncomfortable with all of this." After that for the most part I kept my mouth shut about him and OW and how I felt about his being in contact with her.</B><P>You will hear lots of arguements about which kind of Plan A is harder - wth them home or with them gone.<BR>Meeting EN's is much easier when they are home but it is also easier to commit LB's.<P>Take this time before he comes home to prepare yourself.<BR>Don't count on him not contacting OW and think about what you are going to say and how you are going to handle yourself if you find evidence that he is when he says he isn't.<BR>Come here to vent because you will probably need to.<BR>Do a lot of breathing and a lot of counting before you react to anything he says or does. <BR>Remember you can't control your H, you can't control who he sees or talks to but you can control how you react to it.<P>Big thing Breath...<P>God Bless <BR>

up for heck