I just glanced through the news letter and came across this statement by Steve H. <P>"9. Just One Last Thing...<BR> by Steven W. Harley, M.S.<BR>============================================<P>Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses."<P>**********************************************************<P>Profound or what? Now is there anything we need to regroup our thoughts on? <P>My initial feelings when I read this? A sigh of relief. Whew!!!! Yes, I realize where I can be a better W, that does not change but to not have to shoulder the all 'blame' that some WS's put on the BS takes a weight off my shoulder. <P>My H said that I was no longer the cause of his A. It was on him. That made more sense to me. Not because I think I am better but because I was hit by a ton of bricks with all this A stuff. Don't you think that if the BS did 'all the things' the WS accuses us of, we would have some idea of what we were doing? <P>What's your thoughts on this?<P>L. <P><BR>Am I getting too happy here? <P>

Orchid:<P>Just received the August ed. of the newsletter, but haven't read up on it. Too whooped from landscaping/deck-building in the desert sun.<P>But, yes, as a former WS, I find that statement to be very profound.<P>A more cognitive, thoughtful response after my brain cools below boiling point. And thanks for the other update as well, zorweb shared it with me. <huge smile><P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Orchid,<BR>I felt a little thought reorganization go on when I read it too.<P>Failure of protecting your weaknesses...to me equals the WS making those bad choices...whether it is having a daily cup of coffee, a drink after work, lunch, the hug, the kiss, etc.<P>The optimal response to realizing your needs aren't being met is speaking to your spouse...tough, sometimes because the partner may not realize how bad the spouse is feeling. I recall my H coming to me: "Honey, we need to spend some time together/maybe counseling/we could work out together." Me: "Oh, we're just busy with the kids...work...we'll have time to reconnect when the kids are grown." I had warning, and someone else was available with her time. My H's weakness, sure. But where was I to strengthen him? Not my FAULT, but not great either.<P>I agree with Steve's statement--ultimately the WS weakness, but like anything, that's the tip of the iceberg.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hi there,<P> I just finished reading the newsletter and I was astounded to read this. I have read all of the books inside and out and I think maybe this is a new way of thinking. I always felt from reading the Harley books that he felt "unmet needs" were the reason for affairs(although I never agreed completely with that.) LU<BR>

We are also talking about this over in the Emotional Needs forum under: "Failure to Protect Your Own Weaknesses? "<BR><p>[This message has been edited by wannabophim (edited August 03, 2001).]

Definitely profound!<P>When I read that, I realized... every marriage has unmet needs! No one is perfect, and marriages are the combination of two imperfect people!<P>My wife never really blamed her affair on unmet needs. Not that much, anyway. But she doesn't blame her weakness, either.

Lu:<P>I don't see Steve's article as a radical departure. In my case, my weaknesses covered several aspects. I failed to guard against those weaknesses, and then compounded the stupidity with affairs (EA/PA).<P>Having ENs met is <I>one</I> facet of it. In my case, there were medical dimensions (ADD, recovery from a previous marriage) that I neglected to address. By not getting proper medical treatment for them both, I left myself more open to making those stupid choices. EN fulfillment by my spouse alone would not have done it (in fact, she was meeting the majority of my ENs).<P>I will be spending more time analyzing Steves thought-provoking article. It is a keeper and another piece of the MB "puzzle".<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hiya,<P>I think that statement is very consistent with the MB principles. Dr. Harley simply says that the BS contributes by helping to create the environment in which the WS makes his/her choices.<P>In practicing honesty, each spouse lets the other know what is not being met in the marriage, creating an environment that discourages and deters a choice of betrayal.<P>Just as an alcoholic should take responsibility by recongnizing that he needs certain forms of support and fulfillments to replace his addiction....so does the WS need to take responsiblity by recognition that their own weaknesses lead to poor choices in this area of their lives, and in so doing, avoid those circumstances that tempt them to do so.<P>Basically, we BSs were enablers - we didnt cause the betrayal, nor are we responsible for anothers choices, but we helped to create the comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hi, all . . .<P>I guess that's been a huge problem in the EA for me . . why couldn't/didn't my H stop before he did the "things". I just can't figure out why he was so "weak" - goes back to needs tho - but it is a weakness. I know he would have never initiated it on his own - I don't think he'll ever do it again. Especially living what he has had to for the past 14 mos.<P>Yes, STL, ADD affects judgment, "loss of inhibition", and obsessive/compulsive behavior, plus more. I have one daughter, ever since she was born I have been fighting this with her - it is truly incredible. And your past experiences, hurts, plays a part too. It just seems to get more and more complicated. Wish it weren't so.<P>I'd been looking for the newsletter - it was truly enlightening. I thought wow when I read that too.<BR>

Interesting thread. I had actually emailed the quote to my husband this morning after I read the newsletter. I had always thought that it was the fact that our emotional needs weren't being met that led us to the bad place we were three years ago. I still think that. <P>Yet, protecting our weaknesses makes sense too. My husband is the kind of person that soon after he meets someone...he knows their life story. He's easy to talk to! So, and he and I have talked about this, he needs to be careful befriending women. He needs to keep his distance. He knows this now.<P>Anyway, that's how I related to the quote.<P>-Brighterdays<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SeenTheLight:<BR><B>Having ENs met is <I>one</I> facet of it. In my case, there were medical dimensions (ADD, recovery from a previous marriage) that I neglected to address.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand ADD and ADHD very well, and in fact, I am ADHD. I don't think that factors into moral choices at all. Is that what you meant, or am I misunderstanding?<P>

Hmmmm, I would maybe look at this a little differently, or at least word it differently...I think "failure to confront your own weaknessess", or maybe even "reconize your own weaknesses" would be a little more valid if we are looking solely at WS. To me, "failure to protect your weaknesses" means "exposing your weaknesses". Well, my dear wayward did everything he could to keep from exposing his weakness to me, but he had to at least subconsciously recognised it himself.<P>However, if I take it one step further, and apply the original sentence to both WS and BS, and we consider a weakness an unspoken/unshared need, it makes sense. Think of it this way...most of us, pre A and maybe even now, have a hard time asking straight out for someone to meet our needs...I think it's a human pride sort of thing. And most of us would also be hard pressed to look right into the eyes of someone who loves us and say "you're just not doing a good job pleasing me". And, one step further, most of us are more than a little frightened of the response we would get if we asked our partner exactly how we're doing on meeting their needs. So in a way...that's all "protected" from either side, BS or WS, before the A even happens. By participating in an A, one exposes this weakness, subconsciously or otherwise, at least to themselves and looks for comfort/validation.<BR>Just my take, it's Friday and my whole opinion could change by the time I get home.<BR>Have a good weekend folks<BR>T

Nope, got home and had a glass of wine (why does it always taste so good on Friday???) and think I'll stick by previous post...seems I'm missing something though. hmmmm<BR>T

Wow, lots of posts to catch up on. So my next question is, is this quote by Steve "It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses" about the WS, BS or both?<P>L. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 04, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>I just glanced through the news letter and came across this statement by Steve H. <P>"9. Just One Last Thing...<BR> by Steven W. Harley, M.S.<BR>============================================<P>Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses."<P>**********************************************************<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would take it to mean that just because your needs are not being met, it does not give you the right to fall in love with some one else. Basically your weak, your relationship is weak and instead of stepping all over it, you need to protect it until it can grow and bloom. <BR>Not to give in to temptation, not to think the grass is greener.