Hi,<P>I forgot to post this in my last thread. My wife has asked me a couple of times now, where do I see myself in a years time. Who do I think I'll keep in contact with, and do I see myself in a relationship by then.<P>Why does she keep asking about stuff like this. She's asked me things like 'what kind of woman do you think you'll be with'. It drives me mad, is she trying to justify what she's done. Like she'll feel better if I have a relationship with someone else? I feel like saying to her; I don't ever see myself having another relationship, as I don't want to give myself to someone I consider second best.<P>The other thing I feel like saying is; I don't ever see myself as having a serious relationship again. I just see myself sleeping around a lot. Just to let her know she's shattered the loving heart I once had.<P>Of course I have said none of the above. I just said, i'm not looking for a relationship.<P>I wish my W could see a relationship with me as a step forward, but i'm sure she just sees me as a step backwards.<P>Plec.

Maybe she is wanting reassurance that your future plans include her?

It's funny you say that because one of the other things she said to me was who are the 5 most important people tat you will keep in contact with in a years time.<P>Unfortuately I did a big LB. I said the only person that I really would want to keep in contact with is my best friend. She then said something like 'i notice you didn't mention me at all!' Whoops. This was purely accidental, I just don't think of not having contact with her. That's why I didn't even mention her name.<P>It's strange actually. She told me if she broke up with the OM she knows they would always be friends. But with me she's not so sure I would keep in contact. From the look on her face I think this upsets her. But obviously she wouldn't even think of saying something that admits that!<P>Plec.

One thing I had to learn in order to do a good Plan A, is to stop and think before I answer. Whew! Was this a big one for ME!!! <P>I was so hurt by my H's affair, and the hurtful things he was saying, I couldn't get past the pain and wanting to blame him. I wanted to be SURE HE KNEW HOW MUCH HE HURT ME!!! darnit! But I had to ask God over and over - on my knees crying - to take away my blame and pain. <P>SO I had to learn to think about HIS needs whenever we talked. If he asks me a question, I bite my tongue, and think about "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar"... and I would do my darndest to try to respond with love and peace in my heart. I sort of feel like we are dating again, and how would I act if I was trying to get this person to see the best ME there is.<P>Maybe this will help a tad.? I don't know - just my thoughts. <P>Keep posting. It is good for you to get your feelings out here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

P:<P>A wayward spouse attempts to self-justify (speaking from experience). If she gets you to "admit" that you would like to have a relationship with someone else, she will use it justify her current affair.<P>On the flip side: letting her know that your future includes just her (a) takes away her ability to use some future relationship by you as an excuse and (b) reinforces that you love and care for her. (An important Plan A aspect.)<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi Faith / STL / BTDT,<P>Thanks for your posts. I was beginning to think there was nobody out there. I'm about 6 hours ahead in the UK, so I guess everyone is just waking up across the water!!!<P>It's wierd. Some things she says have no effect in upsetting me, but then others just bring me to tears. I feel like it's total insensitivity. I mean "hello"!! Not so long ago we were planning out the rest of our lives together and grow old together! I feel like shouting SO loud at comments like that.<P>I really appreciate your posts, some days it's just nice to know someone 1000's of miles away is empathising with you!<P>Faith, I will ask the Lord to take away the pain, and to give me the wisdom not to LB when I open my mouth.<P>Plec ;> )

Plec:<P>So in essence, the old axiom of the sun never setting on the British Empire still holds <smile>.<P>Not LBing and maintaining a consistent Plan A is not easy. So while saying "Maintain Plan A" might seem trite, most here recognize the difficulty that underlies the simplicity.<P>A large part of this forum, I believe, is to gently nudge those who stray from MB concepts back onto the path. Because, caught up in our individual battle, it is often impossible to keep the larger picture in mind.<P>Someday you will provide that larger picture to someone mired in their emotions of the moment, and so the forum sustains itself into the future.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL