I can't believe that I'm actually going to post this, but I have to talk to someone. I have been reading many of these messages and now feel better about discussing my situation. I've been married for 18 years and married at an early age. I was very immature at the time and was more interested in "getting married" than I was in the actual marriage. Within the second year, I had a one-night stand while on a business trip. I had went to a night club, had too much to drink, and ended up in the arms of another man. I felt so ashamed of what I did, I confessed everything to my husband. Although he was very angry with me, he didn't want our marriage to end and forgave me. However, he never did forget. It has always been an issue that he brings up when we have fights. I stayed faithful over the next five years and during that time we had two children. But then I had three affairs with men that I work with over a three year time period. Just as most affairs do, things started out as friends, but ended up with a physical attraction that I acted upon. But I would end things and have remained friends with each of them since that time. Then six months ago, one of my high school boyfriends contacted me via the internet. We started exchanging notes, and then phone calls, and then we met. At our second meeting, he kissed me. And the romance was on. But my husband found out, by checking my cell phone bill, and confronted me. He told me that I had to end my "friendship" with this man. We also started going to marriage counseling. I told the other that we could only be friends and nothing more. My husband and I were in counseling for about five months, during which the counselor focused on things in my past, on the lack of communication and dating between my husband and I. Nothing more. In the mean time, I continued to talk to the other and was again found out. I ended it again which lasted a couple of months. But we started emailing each other again, talking on the phone, and met in person one more time. I was again found out for a third time. This time my husband gave me the ultimatum that I had to stop ALL communication with the other or he would file for divorce, take the kids, tell my family and the church what I did, and anything else he could do to disgrace me. I can't believe that I did what I did! And how quickly I became addicted to this other man. I want help! I have purchased several of the books and have just finished reading "His Needs, Her Needs". I bought the book on cassette tape in hopes that my husband will listen to it as well. My husband and I have grown so far apart that I don't know if we can rekindle what little bit of love we had for each other to begin with. I am highly educated, have a very professional position and am the primary breadwinner in our family. My husband is blue collar, but really enjoys what he does. Our interests are very different and communication is quite difficult. Can it really work??? Why did I continue to let other men fill the emptiness in my life??? And I'm confused by the comment posted in this month's newsletter: "Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses." Is it just because I'm weak that I fell in love with someone else? I truly want a soulmate and can I have that with the man I married?<P>

I'm glad you decided to post.<P>I would suggest you make an appointment with the Harleys', either alone or with your husband.<P>Can it work? Do you want it to? DOes your husband? Marriage is a commitment for life - I believe. And I believe you can make it work. The fact that you are here shows that you want it to work. right?<P>The passion and romance that brought you and your husband together was enough to start your commitment to each other. You two can learn to love and appreciate each other better, and have a very happy life together - for you and for your kids. <P>Why do you keep having affairs? Maybe it is unmet needs. Maybe it is your weakness, Perhaps a combination of both. <P>I'm sure you'll get some more replies - perhaps by some other WS's. <P>Keep reading and posting!

So glad you are here! The fact that you are means you want to get help. Only you can figure out if you want to save your marriage. You are brave to be honest with your husband and us. That's a great first step. Read as much as you can. Go to counseling. Try to keep an optmistic, open mind. Remember love is a decision. If you choose to work on the marriage, give it everything you've got. I'll pray for you and your husband...

Quote<BR>"And I'm confused by the comment posted in this month's newsletter: "Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses."<BR>Unquote<P>I would love to have this artical, do you or anyone else have it?

Never mind, I found it.

Does your husband also know about the three affairs you<BR>have had over that 3 year period? It really sounds to me that you wish to down deep to separate from your husband by constantly contacting your ex boyfriend. It seems your pushing your husband to divorce you when you disregard his warnings time and again. It also sounds like you are somewhat embarassed by<BR>his blue collar background and work. You need to be honest with yourself and stop being cruel to your husband by sleeping with other men and being involved with them. <BR>How would you feel if your husband constantly disrespected you this way.<BR>Take a long serious look and ask yourself if you really wish to be married to your husband or not and stop playing these hurtful games with him and yourself. I wish you luck.

Thanks for your reply, Faith1. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. And I DO want to make it work and I know that my husband does, too. But things definitely have to change. When we went through counseling several months ago, he wouldn't really talk about his feelings or issues that he had with our relationship. Everything focused on me. He says now that he is willing to try to talk about his feelings, but he admits that it is very difficult for him to do so. And he says that he is willing to go through the Marriage Builders "program", i.e., reading the books, completing the questionnaires, and discussing our issues. It is getting better, but it is a very rough road. Thanks again for your support!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>I'm glad you decided to post.<P>I would suggest you make an appointment with the Harleys', either alone or with your husband.<P>Can it work? Do you want it to? DOes your husband? Marriage is a commitment for life - I believe. And I believe you can make it work. The fact that you are here shows that you want it to work. right?<P>The passion and romance that brought you and your husband together was enough to start your commitment to each other. You two can learn to love and appreciate each other better, and have a very happy life together - for you and for your kids. <P>Why do you keep having affairs? Maybe it is unmet needs. Maybe it is your weakness, Perhaps a combination of both. <P>I'm sure you'll get some more replies - perhaps by some other WS's. <P>Keep reading and posting! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks for your prayers. We are trying to make it work. Keep praying for us and especially for me. I know that I need to get right with God before my marriage can work. And I've strayed so far! I am not the person that I want to be and I know that only God can help change that. Thanks again!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Myownme:<BR><B>So glad you are here! The fact that you are means you want to get help. Only you can figure out if you want to save your marriage. You are brave to be honest with your husband and us. That's a great first step. Read as much as you can. Go to counseling. Try to keep an optmistic, open mind. Remember love is a decision. If you choose to work on the marriage, give it everything you've got. I'll pray for you and your husband...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You asked "Does my husband know about the three affairs?" No. And I don't wish to separate from my husband! I truly want things to work out between us. I don't know why that I kept contacting my old boyfriend, other than the fact that he met my emotional needs that I craved for in my relationship with my husband. And I was addicted to him. I know that I have a choice in what I do and don't do, but sometimes we just make mistakes. And I'm not embarassed by my husband's profession. In fact, I am somewhat jealous of him by being so satisfied with what he does. He knew what he wanted to do by the time he was 8 years old and worked to achieve that goal and is very satisfied with it. I, on the other hand, have continued to struggle with achieving that satisfaction in my career. I definitley have the "keeping up with the Jones'" and "climbing the corporate ladder" mentality. And I wish that I didn't! The reason that I mentioned the difference in our professions was that it has made conversation very difficult. The things that he deals with on a daily basis is much different than what I deal with in my job. And he doesn't appreciate what I do. In fact, he can't even tell someone what it is that I do because he has chosen to not understand it himself! And I also feel out of place with most of our friends because the wives do not work outside of the home. Yes, I've been hurtful to my husband and I'm not sure that I would be as forgiving as he has been if the tables were turned. But it also takes two to make a relationship work or not work. Your comments make me feel like I'm the only "bad" person in this situation. But if we had been working on meeting each other's needs throughout our marriage, I wouldn't have had a need to stray. And it is prayer that I need...not luck!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>Does your husband also know about the three affairs you<BR>have had over that 3 year period? It really sounds to me that you wish to down deep to separate from your husband by constantly contacting your ex boyfriend. It seems your pushing your husband to divorce you when you disregard his warnings time and again. It also sounds like you are somewhat embarassed by<BR>his blue collar background and work. You need to be honest with yourself and stop being cruel to your husband by sleeping with other men and being involved with them. <BR>How would you feel if your husband constantly disrespected you this way.<BR>Take a long serious look and ask yourself if you really wish to be married to your husband or not and stop playing these hurtful games with him and yourself. I wish you luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear Damsel,<P>I, too was the wayward spouse. I also had multiple affairs, both physical and emotional. <P>Damsel, my repsonse to you will not be very MB in nature, but I can only go with my gut rather than parrot information back at you that you have already read. You have 'unhappy' written all over your post, as well as disappointed, bored, unsatisfied, and desparate. Take some time to do some earnest, honest soul-searching. Yes, God and religion may help, but you are the one with the task of coming up with the reasons behind your unhappiness.<P>It is not fair to drag your H through another year of hope if you are truly dissatified with your marriage. I would say that your having had at least five affairs declares dissatisfaction officially. If you still have some love left in your battered marriage, it is always worth a try to regenerate or maybe even start over again as the people you have become over the years. Only honest communication with each other can unearth the truth of what's left between you and your H.<P>IMHO, you need help - just as I needed help during that period of my life. In therapy, initially the focus does need to be on you. It's uncomfortable but it is the starting gate. Your H will eventually need to do more work on himself, but don't you think he'll feel more motivated to do so when he witnesses you coming around? You are seeking something - grabbing so desparately for this unattainable satisfaction. It will benefit you to discover ways to grant yourself that fulfilment in ways that do not cause others severe emotional trauma. You do sound as if you are ready to take this step - I hope you can jump right in soon.<P>One more thing and I'll climb down off my soap box. I'm usually not so blunt with WSs - my goal is to be comforting and encouraging during a time when those resources are scarce commodities. But the fact of what you are putting your children through is really bothering me. Have you given much thought to how your unfaithfulness and the pain it has caused their daddy has affected them? Children are the innocent casualties of adults misdeeds - they are sponges and soak up what's around them, good and bad. <P>Damsel, I would like to be a good resource for you, and I know there are numerous others here who would be touched by your situation and happy to help you. You may want to post on In Recovery as well, it's a productive 'hangout' for us WS (as well as BS) who are on the road to getting it all together. The more you post, the more you find out about yourself. Reading the posts of others makes for important discoveries as well. Please do come back here and utilize this board as a foothold for you to fix what's wrong.<P>Your new friend, <P>Khyra

Hi again, Damsel<P>To Bryan, you said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Your comments make me feel like I'm the only "bad" person in this situation. But if we had been working on meeting each other's needs throughout our marriage, I wouldn't have had a need to stray.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are you blaming your H and his shortcomings for your choices? You never needed to stray, you chose to stray. You are so open and honest in your first post, I was suprised to see you saddle your H with the responsibility for your actions. It can be a barren existance, living wiht a man who is closed up as your H seems to be. I see that you hold yourself responsible as well - and that is the best (and hardest) place to begin is with yourself.<P>You will find a number of very broken, shattered hearts here at MB. It is hard for some here who have been cheated on to see some of the innermost workings of a WS mind. But their feedback is just as valuable as the kindhearted wisdom you will find. What you're feeling isn't always easy for them to hear, and they may transpose your thoughts and feelings onto their own WSs, or remember something similar that was said to them by their unfaithful spouse. Don't let that stop you from being as open as you can with your thoughts here. I guarantee you, there is little that hasn't been revealed here - it's just not easy for everyone to take. There is lots of help to be had here, Damsel - we have all had to sort the good advice from the bad and separate the bitterness from the true message underneath.<P>It's hard, so scary to begin to open up. But you are on the edge of an important journey within yourself and what's been going on in your life since you've been married. I'll be a smart *ss and wish you luck as well, because luck helps too. <P>Khyra<P> <P><BR>

I'm not trying to blame my H for my mistake in having the affair. I guess I was just venting for feeling so guilty and the fact that I DO feel like the "bad guy"! I just didn't like having it put in my face. But hearing from the other side makes me think about what I've put my H through! And the guilt just crushes me!<P>And I'm an emotional wreck today!! I have been on vacation for a week and upon returning to work, I find an email from OM just wanting to know how I'm doing. It has only been two weeks since I requested no contact from him. Just seeing his name brought back all the emotions. I need strength today BIG TIME!!!

Hope this helps. You are not alone in your situation and the way you feel. I too have been guilty of the same and the guilt is extremely overwhelming. The way I can describe it, for myself anyway, is that it can be an addiction. When someone new is paying attention to you and telling you the things you want to hear it is overloading the deposits in your "love bank" and it is extremely hard to close that account when it reaches that point. <BR>For me, sometimes I think it's just a game and a challenge stemming from my own insecurities. Most of the time once the challenge is met, I lose interest. Unless those deposits keep coming. Sorry to say that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Just like you I am lucky to have a H that does love me, even though it's not always the way I want it. Point being is that it's there, and there's not alot of people out there that are going to be as understanding as he is. Try to look back and think about the reasons that you did marry your H. Also know that you are not a bad person, but human like all of us and we make our mistakes. They end up being habits when we don't learn from them and are repeated. We can always turn them back into mistakes and learn from them though. It's not too late. I hope that you can fix your marriage and yourself. <BR>I'm glad that you posted. It helps to know that we are not alone in this. I wish you the best...

Glad to see your reply, Damsel <P>Girl, lemme tell you I KNOW it's hard to have to face it. But the sooner you start doing it, the sooner you will be on your way to healing. <P>You're right, this IS hard. I remember how I felt, strung out after I did the No Contact thing. I felt so much ambivilance (sp) - guilty for feeling like I missed the OM, wondering if I really had the strength to do what I promised to.<P>Whatever you do DO NOT EM om back! DO NOT I had the same exact thing happen (as did many others here). Your silence will speak louder than any words you could write to him. Let your silence say it all. YOu have already cover so much ground, taken such big strides. The moment you start taking to him or any OM again, you are back at square one again.<P>Give your H a kiss instead. And hang in there, be strong.<P>Khyra

Thanks to Guilty01! It is comforting to know that others who have gone through the same or similar circumstances have survived and have been able to build a strong marriage. And I know that day by day as my H and I work on our marriage, things WILL get better. I am SO thankful that my husband is still there for me and still loves me very much, despite how much I have hurt him. And he says that he is willing to do anything to make our marriage work. I just struggle with these feelings! It is just so difficult right now with SO many emotions flowing through me right now...guilt and shame, emptiness and loneliness. So thank you for your encouraging words!<P>

Khyra: I took your advice and deleted OM's email without sending a reply. Unfortunately, I cannot change my work email or phone number so his channel of communication is open, making it harder on me. And I plan to continue with the silence routine...if he calls, I won't answer the phone (thank goodness for caller id!!) and deleting his emails. Hopefully, he will get the picture and stop contacting me. Time will tell. I just continue to pray for strength! I have to stay strong this time. H says that this is it...any more contact and we're through. I don't want to lose him, nor put my kids through a divorce. And I can't go through this emotional roller coaster all over again. Thanks for your support!

Good for you, D-n-D (i'm gonna play with your name now, lol)<P>You have already made your feelings known with words, now you are showing him (and yourself and your H) with your actions. If you answer even one, you have sent a mixed message, and you have left a door open. <P>After awhile, I began to think of the OM in terms of being like theives in the night. They didn't care who they hurt, they were taking a big chance on getting hurt themselves, but they were going to come in after what it was that they wanted from me. And just like a burglar, when he's in your 'house' and handling the goods, thay are exactly what he wants. But if he can't find a way in, he will find some other 'house' to vandalize and take what he wants from. <P>Right now, your OM is likely more pissed than anything because you are shutting him out. It's an affont to man, the kind of rejection he is facing from you. He won't put up with it for long, and will be on his way some day soon. Until then, remember your promise and don't answer that email. If he gets smart and calls you from a different number, tell him "Do not call me anymore, I meant what I said." and hang up the phone. You have control over the situation. <P>Khyra

Dear DiD,<BR>I agree with Khyra that you are being unfair to your husband because you said that you didn't really love HIM to begin with, just mostly the IDEA of getting married!? But now that you have two children's lives in the picture, I believe that you owe it to them to work it out with your husband and it sounds like you desire to do so. May I recommend that you read an article on this site entitled, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn</A> by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D.<P>Yes, you need prayer--as we all do--but you also need to start setting some boundaries for yourself. You also need to start making better choices. Better choices lead to better consequences. We choose our acts but we cannot choose the consequences. I consider you extremely LUCKY to still have your husband!<P>Definitely stop reading the incoming e-mails from OM. Stop being loyal to OM--you owe him/them nothing. Your loyalty belongs at home... but I'm sure you already know this. You came to the right place to find a wealth of resources on rebuilding romantic love in your marriage. I wish you the best!

D-n-D (Good one Khyra!!)<P>Hey!<BR>I’m sorry for what you and your H are going through right now but glad that you have come here to salvage & rebuild what you two once had. You are very fortunate to have a man who still loves you and is willing to stand by you through all this and he is very fortunate to have a woman who still loves him enough to stay and work things out. Be thankful you still have each other and your children! All is not lost! I truly wish I could say the same for my marriage at this point. <P>I am also new posting here (couldn’t believe it either !!) so I don’t know if I can be much help, but here goes –<P>First let me be upfront by telling you that I am the betrayed (I think) and I’m a man and if you don’t want me butting in on your thread just let me know & I will take no offense!!<P>I do not want to offend, berate, or judge. I only want to understand! Since we are both new here, and both starting a long journey maybe we can help each other see it from the other side of the fence. There are a lot of similarities and differences between our stories. <P>I am also blue collar although I own my own small business and I provide the majority of the household income ( a small one at that as the biz is still struggling – and this has been the major problem from my wife’s point of view) my wife is a stay at home mom with the exception of some small sources of additional income (Tupperware kind of stuff – at which she is rally good at when she gets the chance). A lot of the current problems in my biz have been directly related to my state of mind (really depressed by the problems in my marriage) as I am in the absolutely worst rut of my life. It’s a big issue because when this all started (2 years ago) I flat out told my wife that she was not going to tell me what to do (I would take that back 1000 X) as I had very little hope for our marriage and thought that she was swimming with alligators, so to speak, and about to be bitten.<P>Your H is lucky that you confessed the first affair – but do you really think he has no idea about the 3 other men? He may have more suspicions than you think, but has been afraid to ask up until this last contact with your exBF. He might have had that “gut feeling” that something was amiss in your marriage and maybe something was going on behind his back. He may have even snooped around but never found any concrete evidence. I have had that gut feeling for years and also snooped – which has been the source of huge arguments between us ( How dare I invade her privacy). However I have found things <BR>like a secret box of condoms (opened w/ some missing- supposedly given to a fem. friend) w/ little packs of lubricant when we weren’t using them, secret stashes of “toys” (we also have some- I hope this isn’t offensive) in a small bag that have left the house (she says to show friends as they discuss these “things”, E-mail messages from an exBF from 20 yrs ago (who was always such an a**hole until she ran into him at a bar and then he wasn’t all that bad) telling her they could meet in another town , calls from her cell phone (to him) on a night when she was out w/ friends late at night (also called in morning and early evening when she was leaving-then a 4 hr gap, other men’s biz cards (not for any prof. reason) and the list goes on and on and on…….. Perhaps my wife has been truthful and all the explanations are coincidental and maybe I am paranoid and insecure but there have been so many things over so much time that I cannot seem to put them out of my mind.<P>The point I’m trying to make is that maybe he has had some suspicions and kind of withdrew and chose not deal with them as a kind of defense (You know – What I don’t know won’t hurt me kind of thing) Maybe he has trouble talking about his feelings because he is afraid of being that vulnerable and that what he might say may wound or anger and push you farther away than you already are. Speaking for myself I want to know the whole truth ,not the gory details, but the how, what, where, and mostly why.<P>Does your H feel safe to open up and be honest about what he is feeling – I know I don’t because when I do if it’s not what she wants to hear she goes ballistic & gets abusive and hurls every foul name and insult in the book my way. Be his safe haven – God only knows I wish my wife were mine (I have none) <P>Your H deserves the truth so he knows what he is up against and so he can learn to trust you again (that nagging feeling has been there, for him, since you confessed the first affair). I don’t know when the right time would be- others here could answer that.<P>Does he really not know or care what it is you do? Maybe he feels left out of your “other life”. Have you shared that part of yourself with him or have you assumed he wasn’t interested because he was “blue collar” or wouldn’t get it. Maybe he thinks he won’t understand and that you may think less of him if he doesn’t. He may feel threatened and insecure by your “corporate ladder climbing” & keeping up with the Jonses” perspective on life. IMHO, your having an affair early in the marriage coupled with your drive to move on to bigger and better things (professionally speaking) has probably left him wondering when he will be the next stepping stone in the quest for the better life. He may feel inadequate (I probably would) and that he will never measure up to your expectations or be the man you want him to be. If he is that man then tell him so and tell him a lot – if not, be gentle and help him become that person if he wants to be or truly accept him for who he is the way you did in the beginning. I’m sure there are a lot of terrific things about him that make him special – if none come right to mind then look a little harder, they may just need dusted off a little.<P>One more thing I have always tried to apply to my marriage, and I have never been unfaithful, and I hope I am not being condescending. My wife gets vary angry when I invade her privacy and that I have no reason to not trust her. I tell here that I don’t care if she checks up on me because I have nothing to hide (I secretly wish she would worry just a little that someone else might find me desirable- Is that bad?) I also tell her that it’s not that I think I am invulnerable to an affair or that I am “Holier than Thou”, quite the contrary. I know that under the WRONG set of circumstances combined with being in the wrong place at the wrong time I could get sucked in too and fall. I am just realistic enough to know this and not arrogant enough to believe that I am not at risk. I just make it an absolute that I don’t put myself in those situations that might allow those feelings to develop. Walk the risky path because you are so certain that you are sure footed and can pick the right places to step and you run the risk of slipping and either getting bumped a little or falling over the edge. Does this make any sense? I guess what I am trying to say is that thinking you can “be just friends” with a member of the opposite sex and spending a lot of one on one time with that person or talking frequently and intimately with them can lead you down slippery path. I think it’s somewhat naïve to think we are in that much control – after all, doesn’t your marriage have a basis of friendship. (Just my thoughts for which I will probably be blasted)<P>Hope I was of some help and I’m sorry I talked so much about myself<BR> <BR>Keep up the good & hard work.<P>I truly hope everything works out for you and your H and all the others here that are trying to make things better.<BR>

Thanks for sharing your story, seekr. Yes, we do have some similar situations, although from different sides of the fence. Based on my own experiences, you are probably right on the money in that your W is living a secret life and probably has had an A or many A, whether they be PAs or EAs. Does your W want to save the marriage? If so, is she willing to read the MB information? This is what is really helping me and I've been able to get my H to listen to the tapes. (He doesn't like to read.) You have to get things out in the open before you can even begin to address the issues. <P>When I was found out and had to confess to what I had done, my H was very angry and called me every name under the sun. But I deserved it. I betrayed the one person that I promised I would "love and cherish til death do us part." But once the anger passed, we have been able to talk to each other. I finally saw what terrible things I had done to my H and how much I had hurt him. I finally came out of the fog. Have you told your W how you feel and how this has impacted your business?<P>I definitely think that my H has issues with insecurity. He has made some of the same comments that you made in your post..."I secretly wish she would worry just a little that someone else might find me desirable". And I constantly try to build him up, to help improve his self-esteem. But he constantly puts himself down. This has been a big issue between us for several years. When our kids were little, I would try to get him to read books to them. But he wouldn't do it because he was afraid that he would mispronounce a word or something. And he would never help the kids with their homework. He would make comments like "Go ask your mother. She's the smart one." I've tried many times to explain my job to him, and in a way that he or anyone else would understand, but he choses not to understand. Or at least that is what he communicates to others with comments like "I don't have a clue as to what my W does, but she makes good money." And he tells me that his friends, all co-workers, are intimidated by me because I "wear a suit and carry a briefcase". So, you're probably right in that he may feel inadequate. He has often made comments that he's afraid that I will find someone who makes more money, who can take care of me financially, and give me whatever I want. But I've always tried to reassure him that I'm not after money, but rather love and companionship. And the 3 other A's started out as friends and then got physical, but there wasn't a strong emotional attachment...all 3 were also married. It was the communication...we worked in the same business so we had a lot in common...and the companionship that brought us together. I was looking for that emotional connection...looking for a soulmate. And those are two things that my H and I are working on now...communication and companionship. We have scheduled a "date night" each month for just the two of us to spend time alone to get to know each other all over again. (In fact, date night is tomorrow night...going out to dinner and to an outdoor concert.) It's not easy, though. We have a lot of times where there is a great deal of silence. But I think we are on the right track.<P>So back to you. I think you really need to try to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with your W. You need to find out where she stands in wanting to save the marriage. Just be sure not to LB...although that is what my H did and it brought me out of the fog. He gave me the final ultimatum...end everything or we were through, no more second chances. And radical honesty is really needed. In Dr. Harley's latest book, "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", he talks about his policy. He says that there are some who definitly don't want to share their activities because they are indeed living a secret second life. But there are others who really have nothing to hide, yet they feel the need for privacy. They are offended when their S asks where they've been or what they've done. They believe their spouse should trust them and not assume the worst. But they're WRONG! "Privacy breeds incompatibility because it creates a part of your life that is off-limits to accomodation." I know...I lead that secret life, until I got caught and was confronted. Now I tell my H everything that I do, where I will be, who I will be with. I am accountable to him for everything. And I also have a friend that I have asked to help me be accountable by touching base with me often to give me encouragement through this process. This is the only way I will ever earn my H's trust again. And I have to avoid those "slippery paths" and not put myself in a situation that might cause me to stray. I know my weaknesses and I need to avoid those situations.<P>I hope that you will be able to talk to your W. Let her know how much you care for her and your family and how much you want things to be better. Find out what she needs...she is apparently looking elsewhere to fill those needs. <P>I will pray for you and your marriage. And even though I'm only a few weeks into this process, if I can offer any words of advice or give you the "other side" perspective, just send me a post.<P>Take care!<BR>D-n-D