Please let me know if anyone has been in this situation:<P>OK, so those of you who have been following my story, you know that my W has been 'house sitting' this week and through the weekend. This has been very hard for me to accept because I felt like it was an easy set up for her to see the OM. Well she made the mistake of telling me who she was sitting for and I looked up his address on the interent and found where he lived. How convenient that he lives about 100 yards from the OM.<BR> <BR>So last night, I parked the car, went to the house and waited out back. If something were going to happen it would have been the OM coming through the woods because of the way the homes are situated. They back up to each other and there is a greenway between them. Anyway, along about 10:00pm I see a figure appear from the woods and sure enough he started walking towards (with a beer) the home my W was at until he saw something there....me. That was it, I couldn't take it any longer I went up to him and told him that it's about time we had a little talk. I asked him where he was going, he said for a walk in my backyard, I said BS! I told him he is lucky I don't kick his butt for the pain he has inflicted on me. He did grab me and push me and I just gave him a hard slap accros his face he's ever felt. That made me feel pretty good especially since he started it. Anyway, I told him that he had better leave my wife alone and get out of our lives. I then told him graphic details of what I had on video tape that only he would know and that I had four copies just in case something happened. I told him things that only he could have remembered, what he said, what they did, what he had on, etc. Finally, he broke and admitted it, said he was sorry and asked for forgiveness. He admitted that it was a one time thing (which I don't beleive and told him so) and that his family was hurting too. He also told me that I has caused pain in his family with the lawsuit and that his W suspected something. I told him that was a bunch of crap, that he hadn't felt pain like I have and the only other person that could experiance that type of pain was his wife..did he want he to go through that? I asked him why was he going to see my W tonight if he felt pain? He denyed going to see her. I told him I would make him a deal..First, he needs to stop pursuing my W, start being an jerk to her. Second, he needs to get her out of her job by whatever creative means he can think of. Third, this needed to happen in the next two weeks and fourth, I better not get one wiff that he told my W we had this conversation. If any of the above did not happen his wife was going to get the video. <P>I asked him how it felt to put two small children to bed that called him daddy then go out and commit an adultry with antoher man's wife? He said not good. He asked me if I really want to do that and I told told him no, but if it came down to it I would. I told him what WAT said, I got the OJ Simpson DNA and Rodney King video rolled into one, four aces buddy! I'm holding the cards and you can determine if I'm going to fold or play the hand. I asked him did he really think I was some dumb ole country boy that coundn't think on his feet? . I told him I have his career, kids, wife and everything else that is important to him in my possesion and he can make the right decisions or the wrong ones. I told him to not make another mistake and that he's a smart doctor (who make think he's God) so do the right thing. I told him that my W needs to have a clear head to decide what she wants and as long as he was in the picture, her head was not going to be clear. I also told him that I pray for him and his family everyday and that he needs to start asking God for forgiveness because God will have his vengence on him at judgement day if not before. He must think I'm crazy after this incident, but I finally think I got his attention. I'm sorry if people out there think I did the wrong thing cause sometimes I do, maybe I did and maybe I didn't, but I couldn't just sit back and take it anymore. I had leverage and I felt like I needed to use it. I guess time will tell.<P>My W just called....she was nice might come by today. Well Well Well, I wonder if he mentioned anything.<P>Steve H. understood why I did it but would not have advised it. It's something that he has dealt with before.<P>Thanks fo rreplys!<P>GC<BR>

well.... I saw your other post, and hadn't thought of a response yet .. I know what gdc stands for now... gosh darn crazy!! you know I'm teasing.<P>You talked to Steve this morning? His response is mine - for real. You certainly can't go back and re-do it. - or un-do it. I have no guesses as to what will happen now. What did Steve say about what to do now? It either worked, or W will be pi$$ed off and all he!! will break loose, or nothing will change at all (brilliant guesses, huh? ) <P>I CERTAINLY can't blame you or think I would've done anything different. Back in my snooping days, I thought I had tracked down where OW worked - at a restaurant (turned out I was wrong) - I went there hoping to see her. I'm not sure what I would've said or done. Probably similar to your situation. I had decided to try to appeal to her as woman to woman. And show her the pain she was assisting my H in inflicting on me.<P>hmmmm.... my advice would be to play things very calmly with your W. See what SHE wants to talk about. If she askes questions about it, answer honestly, and in terms of HER best interest - you did it for her - you did what you thought was best for her and the marriage - you didn't go there to seek him out or seek a fight. Ask her for her opinion about it too. If she doesn't bring it UP - you don't either (JMO). Just keep plan A'ing. <P>And one more thought, now that it's out of your system, vent here about it if you need to, but I think you should try to get over your anger and bitterness toward the OM. You did what you could. Now, move forward. <P>Hope that helps you somewhat - just my honest thoughts and opinions. Hang in there. It'll be fine!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I bet that felt good to have that coversation with the OM. I don't have any advice for you. But I will pray for you . Good luck. S

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

This would be an LB and a set back for sure. So Steve says admit the confrontation. What do others think? I'm not sure. What if she is trying to bluff me? So many things to consider. I just hope that he realizes that he has much to lose.<P>GC<P>PS, If anyone out there has the latest newsletter, please let me know, I did not get a copy.

gdc<P>I'm not sure what you should do either. I agree that you should play it cool for now and see how things develope. I no you did what I've been dieing to do. My W has mentioned on several occasions that OM has ask why I haven't confronted him. Well she knows the answer to that as well as I do. I don't know what I'd do and I know she would go bezerk, big time LB. Her brothers conered the SOB one night soon after they found out and the SOB called her the next day to cry about it. Well that was 7 weeks ago and she still won't talk to her brothers. So thats never an option for me and I hope I never run into OM so I don't screw up. I really hope things go the way you want, maybe you did get through to him. I know my brother in-laws didn't. I'll pray for you.<P>silwl<P>PS I have the news letter.<BR>[This message has been edited by silwl (edited August 03, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by silwl (edited August 03, 2001).]

GC - trying to catch up here. I previously responded to your other similar post.<P>About admitting the confrontation to your wife. I'd say admit it with details if she asks or implies she knows. Try to put it in the best light possible - you want her back and you'll do dern near anything to do it. BUT - and I think this is very important - tell her you realize this is not really about OM, it's really about what was missing in your relationship previously. OM is just a symptom. You were trying to treat the symptom just like you treat a fever from an infection - with tylenol, advil, etc. You fully realize that this doesn't treat the root disease - you just wanted to treat the symptom in the near term to get a chance to treat the real infection.<P>I assume that there has been no physical violence between you and your wife, or between you and others previously. You have to admit, you provoked his attack.<P>WAT

WAT, you right, I do need to be honest w/ wife. She hopefully will understand that the reason I confronted him was b/c he is symptom of our problem and not the cause. I jusr have to make her realize this. I hope he does not say anything about it b/c that would cause major problems or LB's. I'm so tired of trying to find out where her heart is, I just had to use some leverage to get him out (maybe) I guess it depends on how much he wants his wife, kids and career vs. my W. They are intoxicated and the fog needs to clear up.<P>Thanks,<P>GC

I believe that you need to be the one to tell your W what happened. As hard as it may be, the outcome will be far better if she hears it from you than from the OM. You want and need total honesty in your marriage, right? <P>How you go about telling her is the hard part. I like WAT's idea of the symptom. I hope she will be able to pull herself out of the fog enough to understand that.<P>I have the newsletter too. You can email me at 4topie25@home.com and I'll forward it to you.<P>Karen<BR>

GDC I'd lke to say CONGRATULATIONS but I know that's not appropriate in this situation. felt like confronting the OW on several occassions actually even tried to. Anyway I to think you should be honest with your W and tell her what happened before OM has a chance to twist it all around. Hopefully you did get through to him and he realizes that you will go to his wife with your evidence if pushed to far. Right now it's still a game to them once he has a chance to digest what happened I think he will be scared that his wife will know the truth and he will be forced to make some decisions about their A. Good Luck I'll be praying for you!<BR>cybil

Thanks Topie and Cybil for the replys. I talked w/ Steve abot what happened and he said just tell the truth if and when confronted by my W. In the confrontation, I got the feeling that the Doc wanted to protect his wife, family and career. I just hope and pray I read it the right way. I also hope and pray that he does not come after me with a gun or something. I realize now that I have to watch my back b/c sometimes people will and can do things when all is on the line. In terms of my wife, I do not think she knows yet, b/c she came by to drop the dog off yesterday knowing my parents were here and that was the first time that she has seen them since everything happened. My mom said that her eyes looked sad and depressed. Inside I told her that I knew she was seeing the other man and she finally said "GC, I am not seeing him anymore." So she actually admitted it in so many words for the first time. Do you think the Doc broke it off between Thursday and Sat.?<P>I also asked her to let's think hard about some counseling together and when was she going to quit living a lie? I did this in a very easy and try to be non LB kind of way. She said that she needed to work on her and she could not atlk about this right now. <P>The last thing I asked her was if she has written our marriage off and she replied 'no'.<P>What does everyone think of the latest??<P>GC

GC - well, it's possible your vigilante escapade worked to scare off OM, but remember, these people are not thinking rationally. They can slip right back down that slippery slope in an instant.<P>It's possible your wife is sincere. Give her space, don't push, and NO LB's!! OK?<P>WAT

ditto WAT. that's exactly what I was going say.

Man,<P>I wish my H's OW's H (confusing eh?) would do what you have done!<P>With 20 some odd years of our own baggage - my H cant really hear me right now & can manage to shut out the destruction caused on the other side of his A (a 16 year relationship with 2 children 11 & 16)<P>If he ran into her H and he laid it on the line - it may have an effect on my H. Who has always had a very strong conscience. Just able to block things out quite well also.<P>GDC - you are so human.<P>I agree you may want to share this info with your wife tho, better you than the OM. Get your version implanted in her mind before he does.<P>Good luck.<P>

Ditto with everyone else. Give your W some space now. Do your absolute best NOT to talk about the A or your marriage with your W unless SHE brings it up. Follow her cues as far as conversations on those subjects go. Aside from that, keep on being her best friend. If the A is truly coming to a close now, she'll need you for support during her withdrawal.<P>Still tell her about what happened. Timing is everything though. You'll know when the right time will come, and all I hope is that she hears it from you rather than the OM.<P>BTW, I've forwarded the newsletter to you. Hopefully you'll get it soon. <P>Karen<BR>

THank you guys for responding to my latest post,WAT, F1, ROF and T25! Last night was pretty big, W told me she was definetly getting a house to rent for her space. She eventually asked about my parents and mentioned that I did not look good when she saw me. She said that she can look in my eyes and tell if I've been sleeping or not and if I'm irrational or not. Funny thing is I slept great. She said I looked skinny and my clothes were hanging off. I told her that under the circumstances, I thought I was doing quite well. I asked her how she was doing and if she was happy and she said I think I put up a good front. She told me that she felt like a piece of property and that I always got my way. Even her friends saw the patterns. Those are the very friends that we saw once every 2-3 months, definetly not on a consistant basis. I told her I'm sorry she felt this way, I had no idea and asked her why she didn't say anything. She said she tried to. I told her that how ever bad our replationship was, it still was ot an excuse for her to go out and have a A. She said nothing. I told her that I knew she knew the difference between right and wrong and that she had a good heart and I was waiting for that to come through. I asked her if she knew I loved her and she said yes and then I told her I was praying for her and she said not to that she didn't need my prayers. I told her I'm sorry but I was going to pray anyway. She eventually told me she was going to hang up and she did. I don't think this was a LB, it was more of her finally needing to hear the truth,especially in a spritual way. <P>What does everyone think?<P>GC

Sorry, I've been away all weekend! Wow, GC!! You did what SO many of us BS feel like doing! I play a scenario similar to that one in my head <I>several</I> times a day! The OM is a sniveling snot and I would love to beat him down and threaten him with evidence I've kept. His wife is a lawyer and she would take him for all he's got (and he's got plenty, he's a CEO)<P>I guess the only reason I haven't done it is because I don't give a crap about him and his pathetic life. I just want my wife back. And forcing her to leave him won't satisfy me.<P>So that is what worries me about your situation. Maybe you are going to force her to come back to you because the OM is afraid. And while that is a good thing, because she will be free of him and can concentrate on you again, do you really want to be second choice? Let her choose you, man. <P>I wouldn't regret what you did, though. I am behind you 99%, hehe. That chump deserved what he got, but right now the best thing it do is to take a few steps back, figuratively, and wait for her move. You made an aggressive move and maybe that's what your relationship needed. Just like <I>LonelyAtNight</I>'s talk with his wife that led her to reach out and leave a note for him. <P>Women like for their men to be strong to stand up for themselves, but after you do, they also want the freedom to make their own decisions and for you to show love for them.<P>As far as telling her... do it. It would be FAR worse if she found out (if she doesn't know already) so try and bring it up with her. Tell her you made a mistake by sitting there and waiting for him, but don't regret what you said to him.

Guys, I'm really struggling with telling her about the confrontation. I'm sweating this bad. Why tell? Why not?<BR>As of yesterday @ 9:30 pm she didn't know. The confrontation happened on Thursday night. Do you think he will still tell her??<BR>HELP HELP HELP I can't believe I got myself in this pickle, do not ever do this, ever! This made me sleep well one night, now it's worse. Is there any hope left? Maybe I should just get on with my life........................<P>

I (as the ws) can tell you pretty clearly, the whole conversation was LB..... sorry, I know you meant well.<P>gdc...I'm sorry she felt this way, I had no idea and asked her why she didn't say anything. She said she tried to. I told her that how ever bad our replationship was, it still was ot an excuse for her to go out and have a A. <P>snl...You think she doesn't know this? And exactly how do you think patronizing her is not LB'ing? Instead of running with she "tried to", getting her to talk more, telling her you are ready to listen.....you critized her. My wife did the very same thing to me last night (for the millionth time, she was not a very good plan a'er). I just let it go, I know she is hurting (just told her the ea was pa too a few days ago with predicitable results), but I still felt a surge of negatvity, and that is exactly what you want to avoid. I don't want her judging me, she has plenty to answer for too, and that I had the A is not relevant, I feel no guilt or remorse, this is the hardest thing for bs to understand. I know it was wrong (and I feel bad my w is devastated), but I also know (now) why it happened, and focusing on anything that seeks to go in the past and guilt me is hugely unproductive. If I could, would I go about solving my marital difficulties differently?.....of course, who wouldn't? It sounds to the ws like the bs is saying yeah, I was wrong too, but you are more wrong. If you want to keep her pushed away, that will help do it...do you?<P>gdc....She said nothing. I told her that I knew she knew the difference between right and wrong and that she had a good heart and I was waiting for that to come through. <P>snl.....Bully for you, how condescending do you have to be before you recognize it? [I am being harsh here to make a point, you are irritating the heck out of me, and I suspect your wife as well ].<P>gdc....I asked her if she knew I loved her and she said yes<P>snl...I am not sure she told you the truth. When my wife said that, I would reply I think you think you love me, but I don't feel loved. She may feel the same, but as long as you keep approaching her this way you may not ever find out. You don't feel safe, you feel controlling and judgemental, and she doesn't want to fight.<P>gdc...and then I told her I was praying for her and she said not to that she didn't need my prayers. I told her I'm sorry but I was going to pray anyway. <P>snl....This is not good, and instead of telling her you would do it anyways (man are your pushy or what), why didn't you try a dialog about her feelings re this.<P>gdc...She eventually told me she was going to hang up and she did. I don't think this was a LB, it was more of her finally needing to hear the truth,especially in a spritual way. <P>snl...And who appointed you the dispenser of truth? You couldn't possibly be biased could you? The last thing a ws wants to hear is the bs tell them what the truth should be, maybe that is something you have done too much of in the past as well. Your goal, your one and only goal, should be to make gdc be the best person he can be, and the safest person he can be, let the ws figure out their own life. We are not stupid, and we do know ourselvrs a wee bit better than you do, fog or not. <P>I am not trying to be critical, I let some of my emotions show to help you with how your wife might be feeling. Good luck.

S-n-L, wow, that was brutal honesty like I've never heard it before and from the other side. I see your point and glad you made it. I just finished an email I was going to send her following up on her hang up of me last night, but I will not send that now, thanks! She said the only way she would talk is if she saw a consistant behavior change in me and she hasn't done that yet. How long is she looking for? and should I tell her about my confrontation with the doc? The whole thing about waiting kills me b/c I feel like she's gaining time to forget about what she has done and it will be easier on her.<P>