Hi Bracman,<P>I have just read your post and understand your comments. I'm no longer so sure on this trust thing. I havent had it for a while and I dont think I need it to keep our marriage running. In many ways, the trust was making me neurotic. Everytime I 'felt' something was wrong or something wasnt quite as it seemed, I beat myself up so much for not trusting my H that I got to the point I didnt trust my own mind, heart or instincts.<P>Once the affair came out, and I realized all my instincts had been dead on, I only wish I had known earlier and that I hadnt gone through such a long period of emotional abusing myself - maybe it would have left me with more to face our issues.<P>I agree that you cannot control another persons actions/thoughts or emotions. But if you know the truth, you can respond to that situation and not pour energy into something false. You can make an honest choice to carry through despite the activities of your spouse, based on fuller understanding of what is going on.<P>Am I maybe just in too much shock right now and looking at all this strangely?<P>I too have only posted for the past two days. But have looked at this trust issue very deepy for two years.<P>It was such a relief to realize I could love my husband without trust.<P>It is so much easier!<p>[This message has been edited by runningonfaith (edited August 05, 2001).]

Runningonfaith:<P>I can understand your point. Very true that had you known earlier, you could have better controlled your opinions and actions. I have to agree with you there!! I don't think there is any easy answer.<P>As I read your response, I was hit with the irony of my current situation,my current perspective on trust. <P>You can see my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011349.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011349.html</A> <BR>where I give the cliff notes version of my life My wife had to trust me -- she had done so during after we had gotten back together -- she learned to love me again, and our relationship blossomed as a result. I, though, was lying to myself and it ending up with my PA during a drunk one night stand. I broke her trust a second time.<P>My W reminds me how I have "kicked her in the stomach while she was down" -- I did. God knows not intentionally, but I did. My point is, here I am discussing trust when I am the one who abused it.<P>I am not perfect, but I want to be, and will continue to be honest with my W. I have realized that I need to be honest with myself so I can be honest with her -- something I had never done.<P>(Ahhhh one of my W's complaints is that it is always "about me" and I feel I am doing that here --- sorry!)<P>So, ROF --- I do understand ( as much as I can) where you are, and it is not an easy place. Trust can be a double edged sword; I just want you to make sure that you work on you, think about if your actions are going to benefit you. By doing so, it may answer the snooping question. Will snooping benefit you emotionaly and in your realtionship or will it hurt you? As I think you know, only you can answer that question.<P>Thanks for being new with me!<P>BM