It has been 5 months since DDay. H chose to save and recover our marriage. He loves me and the kids and doesn't want to loose his family. He is extremely apologetic of what he has put us through and wants to make our marriage work. I have been in Plan A during this entire time and counseling with Dr. Steve Harley. Having answered the questionairs on His Needs Her Needs, we are both aware of the ENs that are most important to each of us and have done fairly well in meeting them for each other.<P>Here's the glitch. Although H and OW have not seen each other in a couple of months, they continue to speak to each other by way of cell phone. This last month has proven to be worse for OW and H because he won't flat-out tell her that it is over, mostly because he has no backbone, and she has been becoming more angry that he won't leave me to be with her. <P>OW became angry and frustrated that H wasn't meeting her needs by spending time with her. H cannot emotionally bring himself to tell her that he no longer wants contact with her. He is avoiding withdrawals, etc. OW left a voicemail for H telling him that she no longer wants to see or speak to him until he decides what he is feeling for her and what he wants in his life. H became very depressed due to the voicemail and intentionally had me listen to it so that I would no that the A was over. However, 2 days later, they were both back in contact with each other via the phone. More PAIN for me!! I was beginning to feel as if would never be over. I tried hard to avoid any extensive conversation about OW unless H brought it up. Each day I would ask him if he had spoken with OW. And he did repsond honestly.( I've become really good at knowing when H lies and when he tells the truth)<P>Today, H called me at work and stated that he had spoken with OW and she finally blew and this time it was really over. He again is beginning the initial stages of withdrawal. However, he told me that she stated that she felt as if he had been using her all this time. Because she was so angry and hurt, he never got a word in edgewise. He asked me how I would feel if he could meet her at a coffee shop, (no physical contact) and tell her that he was sorry and that yes it is over and he chooses his marriage and his family over a relationship with her that would never work. He did ask me what my feelings would be, and asked me if I would still be there for him if and when he does meet with her. I told him that it would seem to me that whatever he had to say to OW could be said by phone, and that if he met with her, I would feel hurt and betrayed again. More skeletons to add to the box!!!! I told him that I ultimately could not control his actions, that I appreciated him asking me to share how I would feel and what my reactions would be.<P>Please everybody, share your thoughts and opinons with me. I know that I should let go and let GOD, but I'm scared and nervous.

First, you are right about letting go and letting God. We can not control our WS. <P>The no contact letter is the best way to handle this. It seems that every time they have contact he and decide to end it, he goes through withdrawal over and over. No real healing or comittment can happen before all contact between them is terminated. Has he read SAA? Maybe this would make things a little more clear for him. <BR>Writing a letter and sending it, may be easier for him than coming face to face with her or having to argue with her about it over the phone. He really needs to do this. The contined contact with her and the suggested meetings are an ongoing attmempt to keep the connection.<BR>I believe that you should let him know in a calm non lovebusting way that continued contact with this woman is not acceptable.

That's a tough one, and unfortunately it sounds like the same situation I am in. I think you handled it about as well as possible. You can't really try and force him to do it your way and you let him know how his actions will make you feel... (My H wants to end it via phone call and is refusing to do a no contact letter - I REALLY feel I need a letter to put this to closure).<P>I made the mistake of going back to plan B in a similar situation and it completely backfired on me, so it's not something I would recommend. However, every situation is different, only you will know if it may help your cause...<P>Good luck. I hope your H makes the right decision.

I agree with the others. A letter is the best way. Can you sit down with him, and calmly and lovingly explain how much you want to repsir the marriage, but that you cannot heal with continued contact, and he will not be able to think clearly and focus on you with the OW hanging in the background. Offer to help him write a letter - you might can even start it right then, and ask for his help, or hand it to him and help him. Just some thoughts... you know your H better than I do! As far as the coffee shop, if he persists, tell him you'd really rather not - it would hurt you deeply, but that you cannot stop him or be his mother.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

All of you have been wonderful in your support and ideas. <P>H wrote the no-contact letter back in mid-July per Dr Harley's suggestion, and I sent it FedEx. Later in the day he decided that the letter was a cruel way to end the A and that it should be done in person. He asked me to pull it out of the FedEx box and of course I coulen't and didn't. Well, needless to say I was devastated and hurt. It's OK to protect OW but not me? In any case, she received the letter, called H and proceded to cry and be upset. H smoothed everything over and continued their contact.<P>The no-contact letter didn't work then, and I can't imagine that now, only 3 weeks later, that it would prove any more effective. <P>Any other ideas? Thanks everyone!

When is the last time you counseled with Steve? Is your husband on the phone in counseling wiht you also? Are you in Plan A?<P>I think the general presription is a solid Plan A for 6 months (if the BS can last that long). At that time, if the WS has refused "no contaact" then it is time for Plan B. I don't think you are ready for Plan B. It is a last resort, when you can not avoid LB's or fill EN's ANY MORE. <P>So, I think you can only keep Plan A'ing your buns off. Request every now and then (once a week or 2) for H to avoid contact, and begin building trust by keeping a schedule and being 100% honest where he is and what he is doing. Mkae your request in a non-LB way, if he resists - drop it. Don't obsess about the A or the OW. COncentrate on filling H's EN's and working on yourself. As you fill his love bank, OW will being LB'ing even more, and he will get off the fence. Don't expect too much from your H, and don't push. <P>Hopefully, that will help you a little. let me know if it coincides with what Steve is telling you or not. I'm not sure how long you've bee counseling with Steve, and how long you've been in a solid plan A.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I believe that everyone has given you great suggestions especially that you cannot control your H actions, just contiue to let him know your feelings. My W was in a EA and deciced she needed to break it off in person so that she knew she would be strong enough not to have another EA. She went under the agreement that she would never be alone w/ OM and that when she confronted him it would be outside his work in a public place, w/ the added stipulation that she would not do anything to hinder our M. She comes back a week later, OM is 1200 miles away (this is all preMB)telling me we need a divorce. I pry out of her 2 days later that she did indeed allow it to go PA. I don't mention this to scare anyone, but I wish there was a way I could go back and convince my wife not to break it off in person. Why are WS so afraid to hurt OP when to us BS they have made their M vows. It is still so confusing to me. W left me and three kids 3 weeks ago to go to a safe place to think, she ended up living w/ or near OM. She wants to come back but doesn't think she has the strength to.<BR>hope this helps someone knight?