Hi Cofwill,<P>Saw your post under H2U's thread. Please tell us your story or let us know how we can help you. You said you were new here and have been crying. Please write to us. <P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. <P>L. <BR>

Yup, we'll listen and help however we can<BR>T

IM HERE ARE YOU GUYS?

Hi, <P>Go ahead. Listen it is getting late. Do you need me to stay with you? I can stay up for a while longer. <P>L.<BR>

Cofwill--<P>Tell us your story. This is an excellent place to come to when you are hurting--I only wish that I had found it sooner. I suffered a ton of heartache and did some really dumb things in the wake of my husband's infidelity.<P>PS--I was once a WS, too, a long time ago. I have been on both sides of the fence and I know the agony of that situation, too. No matter what, you are welcome here to unburden yourself. There are some smart and caring people here to help you.

orchid replied.. on my thread Hawaii.. was our first home.. ... ... <P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Hey B, <P>Is it possible if you could watch for Cofwill for a while? I need to get a zzz's. Let me know, if not I can stand by. <P>L.<BR>

BACKGROUND OF MY PROBLEM<P>We met in August of 1998. We were engaged by christmas. christmas day i found out he had been married before.. when i thought about it who cares right,, then that same day i found out he had 2 daughters. we were unseparatable during those months (ithought when did he see them?).. So we were engaged on christmas eve.. ifound these things out.. i got over it.. all is well right?????<P>wrong, his mom let it slip that his divorce was not even final yet.. oh yea big shocker huh!!<P>it wasnt final until 2 days before our wedding. so i started out being lyed to.. <P>Now i hurt my back, and im not working he is.. he lied to me and spends bill money on golf, etc.. (he said he didnt go once, but didnt take his golf glove out of his back pocket like he wanted to get caught. )<P>then the credit card stealing started. granted we were streched very thin but by the grace of god i payed the biils some how. not enough to spend on lots of extra activities, but that did not stop him.. <P>i told him how it hurt me.... "i wont do it again.." <BR>the cycle repeats itself. and now it is to the point where i wont pay any of his stuff. i refuse. if he is going to use my (which i had thought of as ours until he started buying things for himself), cards and not his own, forget it. he needs to learn some responsibility i think.. <BR>

I can't think of anything more painful than having a spouse that lies to you--I think that we have all experienced that here. It sounds as if you husband has a real problem with it.<P>Have you had any kind of counseling?

Hi, <P>Thanks for posting. I have to think a bit before I proceed. Maybe others can read this in the morning with a fresh pair of eyes. I suggest you get some rest and let us take a look at this in the morning. Ok? <P>When you come back in the morning can you let us know if you or your H are dealing with an affair issue as well asyour financial issue? How are his children impacting your marriage?<P>If you can answer them fine, if not we will still try to support you. <P>Take care and get some rest. <P>L.<BR>

BERNZINI:<P> NOT YET, iVE MENTIONED IT TO HIM AND HE SAYS HE WILL LOOK INTO IT BUT HE NEVER DOES. tONIGHT HE CAME HOME FROM WORK AND ACTED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG. HE TRIES TO SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG. I CANT ANYMOREE.

I HAVE TO SAY BEFORE I GO TO BED THAT AN AFFAIR IS NOT AN ISSUE HERE. (OR SO I DONT KNOW OR SENSE THAT). THE KIDS DONT LIVE WITH US, WE GET THEM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND, AND OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GREAT!! <P>ITS THE DAD AND THE LIES

An affair is fostered in lies--so you have the right to be wary if you have caught your husband lying in other areas. Lying is not healthy.<P>Honesty is an emotional need. What you probably need to do is go to the Emotional Needs forum on this website and discuss this problem with the people there who may or may not be dealing with infidelity, but who are suffering from conflict of having a spouse who does not meet their emotional needs. You might receive better help on that forum. Good luck to you!

cofwill,<P>Just a quick question here, if his divorce was not final until 2 days after your got married, then you marriage was not valid. Have you gotten re-married? <BR>The extent to which your husband lies points to underlying emotional and personality problems. I would think that your marriage cannot be fixed until he takes care of his need to create an altered reality. My suggestion is that you see a lawyer to determine your true marital status and that you seek counseling for yourself at this point. If he agrees to join get counseling later then that will be very good. But you need to take care of yourself here first. <P>IMHO<P>Z<P> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Morning Cofwill,<P>How are you doing? Sounds like some angry posting got in last night. That is ok, venting here is allowed. You should some of the stuff we 'vent'. LOL<P>Anyway, about your H's dishonesty. How does he feel about you acting like he does? Wait, that might be too confrontational. I am a straight up type of person, deal with it and move on, my H on the other hand is the sensative type (what a role reversal)! <P>Berzini is right, how about taking the emotional needs questionnaire, you can click on concepts at the top of this page under the marriage builders logo and print it out from there. Familiarize yourself with the basic concepts. If you are not dealing with an A, that is good. Dishonesty is a key element of an A. For many of us, dishonesty was a facture that lead up to discovering the A. So I am not saying your H is having an A, just be careful. <P>In the meantime, work on yourself and your marriage. There is another book called the surrendered wife. It has a test to kind of rate what type of wife you are and then let's you see how to improve yourself. I don't have the book yet but here is the thread where that info resides. Look for a poster named Topie or Karen. She lists that site in her post. For me, I scored a 56. I'll let you check it out to see what that means. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011262.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011262.html</A> <P>Her post is at the bottom of page 1. <P>I will be gone most of the day, but will check back later. Hope you get some rest. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

zorweb 1st..<P>thanks for reading but i said his divorce wasn't final until two days before my wedding. We are legal. <P> I printed some basic concepts out and my husband was reading them this morning when i got up.(left them on the table by the computer). When I got online tonight, he came over and was reading as i was clicking my way through marriage builders. He didnt say anything and i didnt ask. I think he realized how serious it is this time. <P><BR>Orchid and Berzini<P>, I printed 2 copies of the emotional questionnaire, (i already took it, but made an extra copy for him this time). As I read the emotional needs last night, I thought about my relationship with my husband and the only thing that I feel neglected in is honesty (which unfortunatly for him , I feel is the most important in a relationship... when the trust is gone it is hard to get it back), and sometimes conversation, he doesnt want to tell me what he did or if he had fun, he says i dont need to know every move he makes. I agree to an extent but i dont ask him in a grilling situation, i love him and i just want to know how he spent his day. I like to hear him talk, he has the nicest voice..!!<P>Well thanks all for writing in. ill check out the emotional forums and see what they can help me with. thanks for listening to my first time wooos..<P>C<P><BR>

To Cofwill-<P>I the WS know that I don't like the feeling to be grilled, but as my H say's " I don't like to grill you, if you would tell me before hand, then everything is out." <BR>It sounds like you have very little trust in him. My guess is that he has a similar pattern from previous marriage that he may have brought to yours.<BR>I know about a pattern cause I lied for 4yrs about my A. And I would lie about the time I got off work to my H, in fear that he would "grill me" or give me the third degree.<BR>I'm glad that you printed up the emotional needs paper and left it out for him. Maybe you two can visit this sit toghther. I know it helps my H and I.<BR>Good luck and my prayer's are with you. SMM

Orchid:<P>i scored a 76. bt i guess im not that good of a wife that it says i am.. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SEM:<BR><B>To Cofwill-<P>I the WS know that I don't like the feeling to be grilled, but as my H say's " I don't like to grill you, if you would tell me before hand, then everything is out." <BR>It sounds like you have very little trust in him. My guess is that he has a similar pattern from previous marriage that he may have brought to yours.<BR>I know about a pattern cause I lied for 4yrs about my A. And I would lie about the time I got off work to my H, in fear that he would "grill me" or give me the third degree.<BR>I'm glad that you printed up the emotional needs paper and left it out for him. Maybe you two can visit this sit toghther. I know it helps my H and I.<BR>Good luck and my prayer's are with you. SMM</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>thanks ZEM. My trust in him is rare these days. Just when i start to forgive for the last time. another time comes up.. it is hard. I dont know how to build the trust back.<BR>I have found out that his ex threw the checkbook at him once although He wont tell me what that was all about.<P>C<BR>

CofWill,<P>Guess I cannot read these days. Glad to hear that is not the case. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare