Hi all new her so going to fill you in.<P>Married (10 years!) with two wonderful girls and a wife who has a very solid head on her shoulders.<P>I, as a child, was in an incestual relationship with my mother (who was and is a raging alcoholic). My father had a HUGE collection on porn (they were divorced) so I would use his collection to escape my reality. Porn and sex as "drug" soon became my vice although I had no idea.<P>During our marriage when my wife would leave town for any period of time I would get and abuse porn - -all without her knowledge. Then a computer came into our home --the internet and the world of online porn. It lead to me having affairs when she was out of town so I could find, what I thought, was great sex. Needless to say it never happened -- (two actual one time hook ups). I got out of control as I started e-mailing men looking for sex -- they were "easier" on-line -- even though I am not attracted to men, and knew I would not act this out IRL. My brother in law then uses my computer (he is a programmer) and finds an e-mail where a guys is asking me to meet him in a local park to masturbate (I had NOT deleted this although I thought I had). Note: once I got the e-mail, it freaked me how far I had fallen -- I did not act on it. She accuses me of being a sex addict which I, of course, deny!! Me --no way!<P>We separated for 9 months -- long hard work on both our parts, but really on her's -- trusting me, etc. We do therapy which was great, and we actually go to Vegas to get remarried. For a year, life was almost perfect! I had a new job, and our relationship, both mental and physical, was the best it had ever been.<P>I then have to attend a trade show in another city. I feel the pull of my need for porn -- and I seek out porn shops where I can view it. My last night, I get very drunk, and get picked up by a woman who robs me -- takes the watch my wife gave me as our wedding present!!! Ahhhhhh. I realize the sex was unprotected so the issue of disease comes into play ( thankfully nothing). I called my wife from the city that very morning as was honest with her about what had happened.<P>She allows me to stay but I have to get help for what happened to me as a child and for my sex addiction. I did -- SLAA (sex and love addicts) and a therapist who works with men who had been sexually abused as a child.<P>10 months later her I am. I had been flirting with porn for a few months during the beginning of this period but now go months with out it. Last week end I got a lap top-- a clean computer-- which I now use. I also got rid of my old machine. I litterally SMASHED IT-- screaming at it, getting the demons out. When all was said and done I cried very hard -- cried for all the pain I have caused............<P>Needless to say, my wife is a very strong woman who I am blessed to have as a partner. She feels as though she never knew me, that she married a stranger who had a double life. I feel as though I fail her - she gives and gives and I have only added problems to this relationship.<P>I see the progress I have made, I see how it is helping me and, in turn, helping our relationship and helping me wife. I am just looking to see if anyone has been in such as position -- either as the person who commits the act(s) or the spouse.<P>thanks, and I look forward to getting to know you all better.<P>BracMan

Wow. Reminded me of a poster, and since I had some time right now, I just found the post. It's one of Eagleheart's on this thread...I think it's the second one on the page I am going to send you to.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/004979-3.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/004979-3.html</A> <P>Eagleheart lurks more than posts, usually in Emotional Needs bb, if you ever wanted to post to him, FYI.<P>Kathi

BracMan,<P>My heart goes out to you, you were abused by the very person who should have been the primary protector in your life. I don’t think there is any betrayal bigger then this in life. After all the work you did I am sure that you know that your sexual addiction is predictable in your situation. What a terrible cross to have to bear in life. I believe that sexual addiction has more to do with seeking love then it does with seeking good sex. Shoot if it were good sex alone, you probably could have gotten your wife to have some great fun with you. Or perhaps you would have found someone who was incredible sexually to have a long-term affair with. <P>Sometimes I feel like our entire adult lives are really about overcoming the garbage we went through in our childhood. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself. I know that has not been easy. I can understand why you feel that you have let your wife down. That too must be a terrible burden to carry. To know that you are driven to behavior that will hurt the person you love the most cannot be a pleasant thing to live with. Your wife must be an incredibly strong woman. I hope you tell and show her all the time how much you appreciate and love her. <P>Use your guilt and pain over this to drive expressing your love to her. Make her the focus of your love and attention. <BR>Have you read the books by Patrick Carnes? He is an expert on sexual addiction. <P>Contrary to Love, Helping the Sexual Addict<P>Out of The Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction<BR>Hope and Recovery, a book on healing from compulsive sexual behavior<P>Hope and Recovery, The Workbook – This is a companion self-help workbook to the book. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

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