Here's my Plan b letter...... I haven't decided yet whether to use it, but want to have it ready. <P>Revised below.<p>[This message has been edited by Cloudy (edited August 05, 2001).]

Moving Up

Cloudy,<P>I'll make a few suggestions, and I'll probably be back with more. <P>First paragraph - I'd delete the first sentence. I'd reword the next few to somehow start by saying that "During the past year, I have been working on making positive changes in myself..." etc. I think it is the "I had hoped" thing that doesn't sit right with me. I'd work on a new first paragraph ... I had hoped seems to convey repeated failure or something. Sorry, having trouble wording that one.<P>Second paragraph - I'd move the last line about apologizing, and remove "Again", because I think you only say it once. Also, you could move it to the first paragraph, perhaps the first sentence.<P>Instead of "I think I must remove myself ....." (further down), I'd say "It is necessary that I remove myself", or "I must remove myself".<P>"Until then, I need minimize all contact with you" - change need to "will"...probably just a mistake.<P>I would probably move "You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OW> and the fact that you have involved her in the lives of our children." to the first of that paragraph (and make any necessary changes for it to flow)<P>The third last paragraph repeats lot of stuff already said. Remove it or reword so it says only mostly new stuff. (I know I did some repeating in mine, but eventually couldn't look at it anymore)<P>That is it for now. I'd suggest you make changes, put it aside, and for a few days or even a week or longer, just read it every so often and make changes. However, this is just what I did. But it is a good letter. Good job.<P>I hope you don't have to use it.<P><BR>

I have had mine written for a month and keep re-reading and amending and am sure that I will need to amend more after I post it here.<P>Mine is more of a goodbye letter as we are sperating a week from today and both moving to different places, am not sure if I will go to plan B or not at that time. As H is in a new job/town situation and will be overseeing 75 people and may need to talk about the job and so on and coould make some Love deposits by being there for him. But will still send the good bye letter make take out that No contact paragraph.<P>Can't really make any suggestions on yours line by line but would think you need to use more "I" statements and be more confident in yourself you've grown much as a person through all of this, show it.<P>Dawn

Thanks for your comments. <P>Revised letter below.<P>And Rick- do you recognize parts of this? I borrowed pretty heavily from yours. I will hang on to it and hope I don't need it!<p>[This message has been edited by Cloudy (edited August 05, 2001).]

Cloudy,<P>I read your heartfelt letter and was very impressed. But I would like to suggest that the letter is too long and has far to many "I's" in it. I think you run the risk of him not getting to the end of the letter and knowing what you are telling him.<P>You need to tell him:<P>1. You want the marriage to work.<BR>2. You love him.<BR>3. You continue to hurt when he has contact.<BR>4. You want to be able to love him when/if he returns.<BR>5. This is not punishment.<BR>6. Discuss arrangements (maybe or could be done later) for the children.<P>I don't think you need to tell him you have been hurt or the history of all of this. I know you want to but you really want the message to be clear.<P>I want the marriage, I want you, I am willing to wait, but need no contact in order to do so.<P>So see if thinking along those lines helps.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited August 04, 2001).]

Add a comma after mentally (sorry, nitpick) - There has been so much growth in our ability to communicate, both physically and mentally, with each other.<P>I think "alot about myself" is the right term. "I have learned a lot about myself and where my weaknesses are. I have been working very hard to improve on those weaknesses."<P>Instead of "As long as you continue communication with her that does not protect you or our partnership from opportunities to continue your affair, I will not feel safe." How about "As long as you continue communication with her, this does not protect you or our partnership from opportunities to continue your affair, and I will not feel safe."<P>Regarding seeing the kids, instead of saying "Hopefully, that will not take too long to happen.", how about "There is nothing I want more than that."<P>Just a question for you on this: "If you want to have the kids here, just let me know and I will arrange to be gone".....Is that a good thing in Plan B? Are you giving in to an emotional need? Could you arrange that if he wants the kids it is not at your place. I don't know the details, so just asking whether this is wise to say or not. You'd know based on your situation.<P>"I know that you will find the strength to end your relationship with <OW>." Is this good? What about saying "I hope that you will.....". You'd know better on this though.<P>This third last paragraph seems like a repeat still. Check it out. "As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OW> I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family that we built with our love. I believe we can rebuild our marriage, and meet each other's emotional needs. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. You were my very best friend for such a long time. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving wife, and provide you with the love and affection that you deserve."<P>I can't see how he can not do something to end it with OW after receiving something like this. It didn't work for me yet, but every situation is different, and you are seeing good signs already, so in your case, hopefully if you have to use this, it will work.<P>Instead of "I am willing to avoid the mistakes..." (in the 2nd para), how about "I am determined to avoid the mistakes..."<P>Nice and quick changes you made. Good job again. I feel good about your situation. I hope it works out.<P>Keep posting updates, because surely you'll get responses from people that have more expertise than myself. And yes, I recognize parts of it from mine, but I'm sure others recognize parts of mine from theirs too, because I borrowed lots!

Thanks again for the suggestions. Revised letter follows.<P>JL- I know the letter is long and have some concerns about that, but I'm not sure what to take out. He has told me that he wants to come home, has read alot of the Harley material, expressed a desire to end his relationship with OW, seems to understand on his own that that means no more contact- so far, he has had 3 or 4 conversations with her about the end, and this is killing me. He is feeling guilty about the promises he made to her- she got a job after many years of being a SAHM for a number of years, got a divorce, she and her X are not speaking, which means that right now her kids have no relationship with their Daddy. He's having a hard time with all this- I feel the need to point out my suffering too- not whining about it, cuz he knows it was a conscious decision I made, but just to remind him. Still think I need to take it out?<P>Rick-<BR>I messed up with the third paragraph- actually the one later that says the same thing. I meant to take the last one out, just forgot. I feel like I need to be validating his feelings about ending the affair, thanking him for making that decision, supporting him in his attempts to end it and telling him that I believe in him and us. My problem right now is that we spend lots of time talking about the future us, making plans,etc. Then he has another "ending it" conversation with OW that just never seems to get to the point, he feels guilty and emotionally withdraws from me, and once again I don't know where I stand. Can you help me make the letter say that?<P>Anyway, here is the revised edition:<BR>Dear <Husband>, <P>I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with <OW> possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility for meeting your most important emotional needs as well as those of our children. I was not there for you when you needed me most and now we are both suffering for my mistake. I stubbornly withheld parts of myself from you instead of discussing issues with you and working them out together.<P>During the past year, I have been working on making positive changes in myself. I hope that the changes I have made in myself and my actions toward you have convinced you of my love and devotion to you and our family. There has been so much growth in our ability to communicate, both physically and mentally, with each other. I have learned so much about being "in love", not the unconditional kind, I will always have that, but the conditional kind, for that is what romantic love is. I am determined to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new and better life for both of us that will meet your needs. I have learned alot about myself and where my weaknesses are. I have been working very hard to improve on those weaknesses. <P>More than anything else in this world, I want you to be a part of my future as my loving husband. I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want us to learn to meet each other's needs and avoid making the same mistakes that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I want to help create the kind of life for us and our children that is better than we ever dreamed. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but I know that we can do it.<BR> <BR>This past 16 months has been the most emotionally traumatic period of my life. I know that you recognize the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OW> and the fact that you have involved her in the lives of our children. Despite the constant pain that I felt, I continued to maintain hope that we would reconcile. I endured this emotional distress because I had one goal in mind, and that was to restore our marriage and our family back to the way it should be. <P>To preserve and protect what love I have left for you, I must remove myself from the current situation of your continued contact with <OW>. As long as you continue communication with her, this does not protect you or our partnership from opportunities to continue your affair, and I will not feel safe. I cannot control what you do when you are not here, but need to be able to trust your ability to avoid doing things that bring me unhappiness, fear and pain. I know that you are taking steps to end the relationship with <OW>. You have asked for time and space to do this in your way, in your time. This is the only way I can do that.<P>As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OW>, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family that we built with our love. I know that you are trying and understand how difficult this is for you. After all, your compassion and your gentle spirit are the things I love most about you. I believe we can rebuild our marriage, and meet each other's emotional needs. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. You were my very best friend for such a long time. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving wife, and provide you with the love and affection that you deserve. However, this cannot happen as long as <OW> is in the picture.<P>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please let me know what type of schedule you would like to have with <D> and <S>. I totally understand that you don't want to have to schedule time to see the kids- that you want to come home to them every day. There is nothing I want more than that. For now, however, please set up a schedule so that we can avoid those daily conversations. They would like for you to pick them up from day care 1 or 2 days a week, and spend one weedend night with you. Please feel free to call them whenever you want. I will check the caller ID and have them answer the phone. If they are not here, you can leave a message and they can call you back. I have pulled out our old answering machine and will give it to you so that I can leave messages for you when needed. I want you to know that I am very concerned about <SD> and hope that you do not have a problem with me checking on her from time to time. I would very much like to know how her counseling is going and am willing to be involved if needed.<P>I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you in any way. I am doing it to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I am not giving up on you. I know that you will find the strength to end your relationship with <OW>. I wish I could be there for you right now, but I simply cannot do it anymore. Please know that I am very proud of you for the insight you have gained recently. I know that is a difficult journey. I am not slamming the door in your face, but this is necessary to keep the door open. <P>I feel like I have spent my whole life loving you. It took me 24 years to find you, and the next 17 years I have spent loving you. As I reflect on the past and the future, I know that I made the right choice. I found the man that I want to spend my life with, and that man is you. I fell madly in love with you when we were brought together, and I love you right up to this day. <P>I hope you understand my decision. I am doing it to protect the love that I have left for you, and it is the only way that I can preserve this love for some additional period of time. I do have faith in you.<P>I Love You, <BR><Me><P><p>[This message has been edited by Cloudy (edited August 06, 2001).]

Cloudy,<P>Capitalize the t in "there is nothing I want more than that", and that is about all I can come up with. I'll read it again tomorrow and see what pops out. But to me, you are saying what you indicated you want to say. I think he'll get the point with this letter.<P>If this gets down in the list, then make a new post on a weekday with a latest copy, and you'll obviously get more responses then.

Moving Up

Any other suggestions?

Cloudy:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think this needs to be stronger. Make it "no contact", and then perhaps list a couple of exceptions.