In talking to my wife she always wants space and time. Each time she says anything she thinks a month of no contact from me would be good. Fine.<P>So should I send a Plan AB letter to her saying "I'm giving you space for a month as you requested. If you want to call me before that time period is up I would really like that, but I won't contact you." Maybe something a little more delicate and Plan Aish. <P>I'm just wondering if it would be a mistake to back of COMPLETELY(no cards or letters either) for the next month and then start things up by sending a card or letter?<P>I think one of her big EN is for me to listen to her and support/agree with what she says. She says 1 month, I give her 1 month. But is that going to hurt Plan A?<P>I'm better today. Went out early to get home fix-up stuff. Busy weekend now. <BR>

IMO, I don't think a month of total no contact is a good idea. How are you supposed to deposit and love units to her? I would suggest that you tone down your plan A for a month. Resist those urges to overdo it with the cards and flowers, etc. But most importantly, for one full month don't say a word about the A or your relationship with her. That's probably the space she needs. Not to have none of you altogether, but to have the pressure of 'what are you going to do? what's your decision?' taken off of her.<P>I can understand your idea in wanting to write a plan a/b letter combo, but I can't envision how you could word it without it being somewhat controlling. I'd suggest to just do it, not write it. You still don't have to call her, and as usual, she will have the choice to call you if she wants to. I think that by telling her you won't contact her at all, you may be setting yourself up for some LBing. After all, if she thinks you won't call her for an entire month, and then you just call to say 'hi' one day, she may look at you as a bad person who can't leave her alone or keep your promise.<P>My opinion may be a bit extreme, but it's only my opinion. I hope others on here will give their 2 cents worth too. <P>Karen<BR>

I agree with Karen.. Just be her friend for a month.. (ducking) and give her a break of the phone calls, the visits, the gifts and the special things.. (ducking) <P>I know its hard to do.. cause frankly, I can't.. (I was ducking.. cause that is what every tells me to do)<P>Karen is right.. so at least try. hoohumm..<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B>I agree with Karen.. Just be her friend for a month.. (ducking) and give her a break of the phone calls, the visits, the gifts and the special things.. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She's been gone ~2 weeks and she's 200 miles away so there haven't been any visits(I would love to see her). Only once have I sent flowers, 3-4 letters or cards and 4 phone calls. <B>I'm</B> beginning to think that's too much, but its new and was a shock so I panicked.<P>I'll try not calling for a month and one VERY light and quick card each week. "Thought I'd tell you that I Love You. SBT"<P>Sound better?<P><BR>

What you've done so far, IMO, isn't too much at all. My guess is that she's doing the usual WS thing, and wants you to stop contact with her so that she can continue living her fantasy with the OM.<P>If it makes you feel more comfortable to back off some, then do that. Plan A is about you just as much as it is about her.<P>Karen<BR>

Well,<P>Now that I remember that she is 200 miles away.. I think differently now. <P>I don't think that you've done too much. Again.. I agree with Karen and want to add.. that the more you are in her life.. with out obsessing over it (ducking) and 'interfering' romantically (for a lose of words) with her emotions and feelings that she has for you puts confusion into her world. This isn't you plan b time and I don't think that you should stop calling her. <P>Just because she doesn't want to be your wife right now, doesn't mean that your friendship with her has to suffer also.. I know.. how can you be friends.. when you love her so much as a wife. Well your going to do without her anyhow.. and you can't give her more than she is ready to accept.. so your pretty much stuck. I'm right there with you, unfortunatley.<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B>What you've done so far, IMO, isn't too much at all.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B>I don't think that you've done too much.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, when my therapist said he didn't think I was doing very much to save my marriage, he meant that I needed to do more? By your comments are you saying I haven't done enough, or that what I have done isn't <B>too</B> much?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B>that the more you are in her life.. with out obsessing over it and 'interfering' romantically with her emotions and feelings that she has for you puts confusion into her world.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Did you misspeak or is my PUTTING confusion into her world a good thing? She mentioned once before that if I sent her pictures of our puppies that it would be harder. I think that means it be harder to live the fantasy. Am I now getting that if she is <B>more</B> confused that's better? I would think confusion is what's keeping her from really THINKING about herself and our future. I would think being clear headed is what's needed.<P>My sister-in-law said she hates it that all my wife has to say is "I don't know" when talking about me. But I told her that as long as its "I don't know" its not "I want a divorce!" <P>Maybe confusion has its place?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited August 04, 2001).]

So is the ammount of contact I've had with my wife in the last 2 weeks too much, or not enough? Maybe just right?<P>How do I honor her request for a month, without letting her forget I love her and miss her? No contact for a month as she requested, no PHONE contact for the month but some cards and letters, or same or more contact than I have had so far? I don't think the last option is right but I don't know.

SBT,<P>I think you need to listen to your W. She says she doesn't want contact with you now. I would send her a letter stating that you understand that, so you won't call her, but if she wants to call you, you would love to her from her. And tell her you love her.<P>Now, if Lostva were here, she could give you great advice about this because she handled this successfully while her H left and lived with OW for 7 months.<P>One, of the things she did was to send him letters every few days, once a week, I don't remember the frequency. But the letters were simply news letters talking about her life, her days, with no discussion of the affair or relationship. She always signed them with love, love always, something that conveyed that she still did love her H.<P>My recommendation given Lostva (Lori's) success, is talk with her about the things you talked about when you were dating. What friends are doing, what you are doing. How work is going, office gossip, etc. The things she would tell you about if she were with you.<P>Being a guy also, I realize that this is not the stuff that we usually talk about, but I suspect that as you Plan A yourself, not her, you will realize the importance of the tapestry of life to her. You need to mend the holes.<P>One last comment. Plan A is for you, it really is. It is for her only in so far as when she talks to you, or sees you, the you she converses with is a changed person, not a mad person, not a vindictive person. She hopefully will realize that you won't make her pay for this mistake for the rest of her life. But mainly Plan A is about you changing your perspectives on things and making yourself a better man and husband; for her or your next relationship.<P>I hope that something I have said will help. But listen to your W, particularly since she states that you haven't in the past and that is part of the problem.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

IMO, I think if she said don't call her at all, then don't. If she said don't call as much, then back off. Honestly, I think what you did for the first 2 weeks was too much, but you can't change it. <<<ducking>>> So, just adjust and move forward. This is just my opinion, based on what I experienced with my H and what your W seems to be communicating. I drove my H nuts the first week, then a little nuts the next couple of weeks after that. I think it's the natural and panicky like you said. But, If a salesman runs towards you with his product, ramming it down your throat, you tend to back away. But if he entices you gently, with just enough info to get your curiosity, you move toward him to get more info.<P>I can't go back and change what I did, and I don't know if less "pursuing" would have made ANY difference as to where we are now.. ??? But when he told me to back off some, I did, and I think it's a big deposit to his love bank that I respected his request. <P>Personally, in your situation, I think that one e-card, one short note, and perhaps one phone call a week would be plenty. Make the e-card funny and light, and the short note something from your HEART. And the phone call short and sweet. "How are you? How's the job-hunting? I know you'll find something soon. You're smart and talented. THe puppies say hello. My work is going fine. Take care of yourself." On the notes, I decided to be more expressive (but short)... I think "I love you" and "I miss you" tend to become like a gnat buzzing around their foggy heads, and they are thinking "yeah, right". Tell her something from your heart about WHY you love her. WHAT do you miss about her? Her sweet laughs? Her sexy smile? Her funny stories? The way she brightens your day? What captured your heart when you fell in love? describe that to her.<P>You may already have thought of this. I didn't. I was leaning more towards the straightforward... "I Love you " and "I miss you". And then I realized those words probably didn't mean anything. This actually occurred to me watching Pearl Harbor, and the two lovers were writing letters to each other while he was away at war, and the SWEETEST thoughts about each other touched my heart.<P>And someone above mentioned telling her that you will be calling less, to respect her request, but that you are available anytime she feels like talking, and you hope she won't be offended if you call every now and then.<P>Just my thoughts... hang in there!