feelings of raw anger out once in a while in front of your WS, that they will feel use that to walk away. Like as long as you are complacent in your actions and reactions, and never really show your full throttle of anger and hurt, all will be okay??<BR> Or should you let your spouse see the raw, bad, painful hurt and anger?

In my case it didn't matter if he seen those feelings or not had no effect on him. All he could see in his tunnel vision is what he wanted and could care less about anyone else.<P>I wrote them down, just the words, not a journal type writing, just the anger, the words. I kept adding to the list. Helped me get them out of me and I felt better afterwards.<p>[This message has been edited by daybreak (edited August 04, 2001).]

Yes. I found out the truth about my H's PA with my ex best friend a month ago. It happened in the past but they both lied to cover their butts. The far worst thing is they were in MY bed. She used to come here and help me paint, etc. so she knew how important my house is to me. It's a pain I will never forget.<P>I didn't yell at him at all except in counseling when I found out. One other time about a week later for maybe 5 minutes. I know he's not going anywhere but sometimes I feel like he doesn't DESERVE to see the hurt. I am a very emotional person and people can always tell what I'm feeling. I guess I have been in shock for part of this month and couldn't have expressed myself if I want to.<P>But now I feel like letting him have it. But then I think "and what will that do?" <P>We do 10 on 10's where I talk for 10 minutes, then he does and then we can't talk for 10 minutes. We take turns going first. It has been very helpful for us. It forces us to look at each other and really listen. The 10 minutes of silence prevents us from going back and forth and getting nowhere. It's a great way to vent. Afterward, I usually feel better.<P>Part of me feels he should feel the anger and hurt and betrayal and it will remind him never to betray me again. Sometimes I write to him, he says letters have less emotion and he feels better reading them since he's more visual than auditory. He usually says thanks and he understood what I wrote.<P>But please remember, this is years into recovery. We did pretty well for 2 years after the affair which I was told was EA only. We did separate for 9 months however. But now we have to start over again because of his lying.<P>When he was in his "fog" (for almost a year), he was angry, defensive, cold and unfeeling, cruel, stupidly in love with her, etc. I never thought I'd get thru it and I will never do it again.<P>You're feeling what's normal I'm sure. Hang in there. Maybe try the 10 on 10s? maggierose