When my H and I were separating, he kept telling me that the problem was with him, not me. His reasons kept changing, but basically they were all related to him and how he is dealing with being married.<P>I received the "I love you...but not in love speech" along with his reassurances of me not being the problem. <P>My question is do you think it possible for a marriage to recover when one spouse is taking all the blame? I'm afraid he is going to be so resistant to any possibilities of staying married because he has convinced himself he can't handle it. <P>I know that being a solid Plan A is very helpful, but how can it help turn this situation around? What would make him want to be married?<P>Anyone go through something similar?<P>K

This concept of "I'm the problem, it isn't you" is quite common when someone is having an affair and wants out of the marriage. It is a way of trying to do it while inflicting minimal pain on the betrayed spouse. They figure it eases the pain and it reduces their guilt because they are blaming themselves. Also, they want to try to make themselves look like a bad candidate for a good marriage so you might be more willing to let them go. Doesn't work like that though.<P>Plan A is helpful regardless of what reasons you are given for separating. Bottom line is you increase the odds of reconciliation by using methods like Harley's Plan A and B.<P>It can help turn the situation around because it is unlikely that the reasons you are being given are the real reasons.<P>What would make him want to be married? By seeing that you are the best option for him. Be everything he wants you to be, or in other words, show him you can meet all of his ENs.

Thanks Rick,<P>You're reply made a lot of sense. I'm almost 100% sure that there wasn't an affair. Although anything is possible. I just didn't see any evidence of one. My H has a lot of issues to deal with, and I'm not sure he wanted to add an affair into the mix.<P>You are right about me showing him that i'm the best option for him, and I know I am.<P>And you are right about the reasons he gave me might not being the true reasons. I guess logically I know that he is just as confused as I am. I try to guess what he is thinking and try to base my actions on what I believe is happening with him. We haven't talked in awhile and I'm wondering what is happening in his life. I'm wondering who he is with and what he is doing. I'm wondering if he is missing me or is happy to be rid of me.<P>My insecurities can really get the best of me. Almost to the point of inaction. It is something I need to change.<P>K