I would love any and info on this so called Soul Mate fog. When does it end, if ever. I am up againts this and feel utterly lost. Please someone,anyone give me something to hope for. I feel myself retreating to that black of depression and know I can't be there because of my little children. It is almost as if I back at D day 4 1/2mos ago.

IMHO...the soulmate fog dissipates when they LB each other and the 'REAL WORLD' starts to intrude on their fantasy...<P>We all dream and are in our own kind of 'fog.' As we find ourselves and become true to ourselves this fog or dream becomes more real...<P>WH's have a lot of stuff to get to...the hardest thing we can do is give them the 'space' to do it...I think that is what plan A and B are all about...giving each other the space to change and discover what is real.<P><BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Cali,<BR>Thank you for writing. Do they truly believe they were meant to be? How can a BW deal with that notion. A soul mate can't be true if you are still trying to have a intimate encounter with your BW? Am I right?

It is not about you...they are dreaming the same dream for the moment...that makes it 'real' to them....<P>In <I>The Mastery of Love</I> there is a chapter called "Sex, The Biggest Demon in Hell" Ruiz describes the beginnings of a sexual affair almost to a T like in the Harley's books...<P><I>Then you make love to him, and it's the greatest thing and the worst thing at the same time. Now you really need to be punished. "What kind of woman would allow her sexual desire be greater than her morals?" Who knows what games the mind is going to play [see WAT's alien theory or moose brainworms ] You hurt but you try to deny your feelings; you try to justify your actions to avoid the emotional pain. "Well, my husband...."<P>The attraction becomes stronger, but it's not because of your body; it's because the mind is playing a game [enter the soulmate theory]. The fear becomes an obsession, and all that fear you have about your sexual attraction is building up. When you make love with this man, you have a great experience, but not because he is great, and not because the sex was great, but because all the tension, all the fear is released. To build it up again, the mind plays the game that it's because of the man, but it is not true.<P>The drama keeps growing, and it's nothing but a simple mental game. It's not even real. It's not love either, because this kind of relationship becomes very destructive. It is self-destructive because you are hurting yourself, and the place that hurts the most is what you believe. It doesn't matter if your belief is right or wrong or good or bad, you are breaking your beliefs [enter, I love you, but am not in love with you...I am confused...I need space to think about things..], which is something that we wish to do, but in the way of the spiritual warrior, not the way of the victim. Now you are goin to use that experience to go deeper into hell, not to get out of hell. </I><P>There is a lot more to the chapter, but I can't type out the whole thing ...<P>Cali

I need to get the book. I am truly thankful for your being here right now. I am about to lose it again. I just hate thinking that if he doesn't come out of this fog we will be getting divorced. The other problem is I feel my stomach tightening up again like in the begining. I dropped 85lbs and can not afford anymore. But I see it happening. <BR>Do you think if he is still expecting me to kiss him on the lips goodbyb that he still has love for me. or just trying to control me?<p>[This message has been edited by Lostinny (edited August 05, 2001).]

You sound like I think...<P>My H and I just got back from Vegas...One night we danced for hours at a club and then came back to our room and 'danced' all night...<P>The next day he said to me "I am empty. Sex doesn't fill me up. Working out doesn't fill me up...Nothing fills me up." This after....I'm still not sure how I kept a straight face and just listened. I think having just read the book helped.<P>THEY ARE SO CONFUSED. Do you love him? Do you have love and acceptance for yourself? Can you GIVE love without expecting something in return? The love has to be about YOU not about him.<P>That is the Mastery of Love. Truth. Forgiveness. Self-Love.<P>As to truth...don't believe...don't believe me, don't believe yourself, don't believe anyone else. When you don't believe, the truth will out. The fog lifts...the dream ends...the truth is revealed.<P>Forgiveness cleans the wounds. Give it up. Whatever hurt or pain you have...let it go. We keep a lot of our 'stuff' because of pride. We are 'proud' to suffer. Forgiving others and forgiving yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Give up their 'control' over you.<P>Now love. Not if, not when, not someone else. Start with you. Love yourself. You cannot be happy unless you love yourself. Then take that love and pour it outward. Love coming out of you will be happiness.<P>BTW...I ordered the book from Amazon.com.<P>Cali

Just finished ordering it. <BR>I do love myself. Haden't for quite along time. I do love him too and know I can forgive him.<BR>I understand why he did what he did. I just don't want to make the wrong move because he is still in a fog. <BR>It is truly hard for me since I am ASAHM, haven't had a paying job in 8 years. My youngest will be 4 this month.<BR>He moved out in Nov. right in with her and lied to both of us until I found out for sure in March and called him there.<BR>I wish someone who went through ths samething could help me.

Lost,<P>My H considered his OW to be a soulmate for quite sometime.<BR>It never really ended a sudden death because there were never really LBs on her part - they were always 1000 miles apart so the alure of the fantasy was always there. The real world and how it would affect their relationship never really entered into things.<BR>The affair just kind of faded out of existence as he came to realize more and more that the fantasy he and she had created was not real and probably never would be real no matter how hard they tried to make it that way.<P>If you want to see some of my H's thoughts go to the Read Only Posts and do a search on <BR>2 soulmates <BR>and then on<BR>Being a better Arik<P>He was very deep in the fog for a bery long time, but you can see him come out of it bit by bit.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

My biggest problem is that he moved in with her. He isnow in Florida with her. She has a great job and makes big bucks. Thank God he has had some sane times and have not introduced the children to her nor do they know that he has a girlfiend(yuck). I feel the need to kiss that great porceline God.

I am going to turn in now. I hope I can get more help in the AM. THANKS TO ALL WHO REPLIED I TRULY NEEDED YOU ALL.<BR>Sincerely,<BR>Dale

Hi- I can really relate to how you want to understand what could make him give up EVERYTHING for some other woman. Mine did- moved out for a while to OW"s condo, then back in, then slept on couch, then filed for divorce then changed his mind again.He once took our kids over to her place saying I could take the afternoon off- how NICE! Turned out that day OW was fantasizing to him about how great it would be to be our kids stepmom.( she was single and a coworker to H.)I once overheard H telling her on the phone how he loved her- I was standing on the other side of the door. He cut me off from all affection- <BR>Didnt kiss me for 8 mo. It's been a living hell. We are finally trying to reconcile now but I only think that has been possible due to OW taking a job transfer to another state. Otherwise I dont think he'd be home. I've read about one zillion books on affairs trying to understand this soul mate type of affair. The best books about this kind I have read are by Emily Brown- I just got her latest book from Amazon- Patterns of Infidelity. She gives detailed insight into what makes a man want this type of affair. She describes a type of affair called a split-self affair which I do believe describes my H to a T. She also talks about exit affairs.I could see how his entire psychological make-up made him prone to this kind of relationship- makes me see that its not just about our marriage troubles.I like her books because they are more in-depth about the types of affairs and why people get into them than other books and also she gives insight into whether the type of A they are in will lead regarding your marriage future. Also since your H left you all of a sudden I've just ordered a book from half.com( its out of print so you need to get it used ) called Sudden Endings by Madeline Bennett. Havent read it yet but heard its very good at helping wives undestand how their H's could just up and leave!Its written by a wife who went thru the very same horrible thing. I hope these two book recommendations might help you- I am an avid reader and it helps me to undestand the un- understandible if you know what I mean. Take care- lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lifeismessy:<BR><B>She also talks about exit affairs.I - makes me see that its not just about our marriage troubles.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lifeismessy,<BR> Thanks for the info on these books. I am especially interested in this book "Patterns...." because you mention she describes "exit affairs" which is what I think my H is experiencing. I am afraid that the "pattern" here is that they RARELY - if ever - do come home from that type (according to Dave Carder in Torn Asunder). I hope I can find it at the bookstore, since our little town's BAM isn't very large. I will go look today, I'm on my way down to town to church, and will stop in there afterwards.<P>Could you find the section on that type of A and type out the "bottom line" ? Then if I don't find the book, at least I won't DIE not knowing what it says (which I think I already know )<P>Thanks<BR>Lupo<BR>