I really should not let myself get like this!!! <P>My husband said he was supposed to be back around 10 o'clock tonight. Here it is 11:30 and he's not back at his apartment yet. I haven't actually spoken with him since Thursday night.<P>I have left like 6 messages on his machine (all innocent until the last one). The last one just said that I am freaking out because I have this awful feeling that he is with OW and lied to me about this weekend (I have no proof), and what he is doing does not help me to trust him. I told him I hate not trusting him, but I can't take anymore lies. I asked him to call as soon as he got in... I even reminded him that he TOLD me he was not going to see OW again, especially this weekend, and that he was going to end it with her via phone before Thursday (probably an LB).<P>Do you think he'll just take my message as being controlling and trying to control him going out and having to know where he is? <P>I mean, it's possible that he just went out with his guy friends, like he was supposed to and ended up having too much to drink, or something and crashed at their place...<P>I'm freaking out here. Did he lie to me again? Oh man, how am I going to believe what he tells me even when he does explain himself?<P>Do you think he should have to explain himself to me? What should I say when I talk to him? Just forget about it? Just say, okay to whatever he says? Or do I ask specific questions and try to figure out if he was really lying to me?<P>I don't want to LB or make him feel controlled, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING AND IF HE IS WITH OW RIGHT NOW SAYING 'GOODBYE' TO HER. That would make me ill.<P>OMG, if he lied to me again, and is going to 'confess' after the fact (like he ALWAYS DOES). So help me, I will flip out. I will flip out. <P>I have not been this upset and this untrusting since the days we were first going out. OMG, I'm back in high school, the last time I felt like this was in 1991. <P>Somebody help me get control.

Stay cool until you see him or talk to him. Take a breath, and count to three before you say anything. Just my thoughts.<P>Sorry I don't have more to offer. You are not here alone.

Thanks Rick. It is nice to hear I am not alone tonight. I feel alone, very, very alone.<P>It doesn't sound like anyone is around tonight.<P>I hate holding my feelings inside from my husband. But if I try to tell him how I feel, it's an LB, or I'm controlling him or manipulating him, or talking about the fu**ing A. What is my outlet? When does he get to hear and realize how much pain I am in? How much his little stunts like this hurt me because he is not taking my feelings into account...<P>I wonder how many love units you need to lose to hate someone. I know I am already way negative, I'm just waiting for the day I just *click* and truly hate him. Harley talks about it in his book... I didn't think I could ever hate this man.

Hi HbH, <P>It's me. Do you want or need to talk? Do you need my e-mail address? I can send you my number or you can send me yours. Don't worry, AT&T & I are friends. I don't mind reaching out and 'touching' someone with a friendly phone call. <P>L.

I need to type. I need to type and type and type and get my feelings out...<P>My life has been pure hell since my husband starting talking to me about getting back together. I was doing so well while I was in plan B. Yeah, I was upset and needed to vent, but nothing like this. How many freakin' anxiety attacks have I had since he's been back? How much worrying and meddling have I done since then?<P>I see myself going back to the person I was before, and I DON'T LIKE IT!! I am not fun-loving and enjoying my kids, I'm just mean and on-edge all the time. My 2-year old is back to her aggravating ways like she was before the A happened (I know it's probably a reaction to MY mood). I just stay at the house and don't get out, I live my life worrying about my husband and what he is doing, what does he mean, what does he feel, will it work, what did his counselor say, why isn't he with me? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me today, where is he...<P>UGH!!! I want to go back to plan B (but I know I can't, so that means divorce). I want to go back to where I didn't care what he was doing, who he was with, if he was lying. I want to get the damn divorce and go find someone who is not going to hurt me anymore...<P>Yet, I hold on, I stay, I post here. I don't know why. Why, do I do it? Why do I keep putting myself through more and more pain? More anxiety, more heartache? Is it really worth it? Can I ever trust him again? Can I ever love this man again? <P>I want to believe it is worth it, I want to believe the Harley's and believe it can get better. But I don't. I don't believe it. My life is hell, it will never get better with this man, I should just face the fact that my kids will have divorced parents and my husband is a loser. He is cruel and mean and is always going to hurt me. I'm the only one that can make this pain stop...<P>AAAHHH.... Obviously I am still all mixed up. So I guess I wait, I post, I find out what the hell he was doing this weekend and I see if more of his actions follow his words. <P>Thanks for hearing me vent. I am sure I will be up all night waiting for his call, but at this point, I think it is pretty obvious he's not staying at his place tonight so I should just go get some sleep... The kids will be up in 6 hours.<P>I hate waiting, I hate not knowing, I hate not trusting...

HbH--I just emailed you...here is some more...from <I>The Mastery of Love</I><P><I>To master a relationship is all about you. The first step is to become aware, to know that everyone dreams his own dreams. [Toltec version of fog...SnL is on target...each person has their own 'fog' or 'dream.'] Once you know this, you can be responsible for your half of the relationship, which is YOU. If you know that you are ONLY responsible for half of the relationship, you can easily control your half. It is not up to you to control the other half.</I><P><I>Next become aware of the way you communicate your dream to others. The quality of your communication depends upon the choices you make in each moment, whether you tune your emotional body to love or to fear. If you catch yourself in the track of fear, just having that awareness, you can shift your attention into the track of love. </I><P><I>Finally, if you are aware that NO ONE else can make you happy, and that happiness is the result of love coming OUT OF YOU, this becomes the Mastery of Love. </I><P>The only way to master love is to practice love. <P>Cali's new agreements necessary to master love:<BR>1. Focus on YOU...discover who you are and what you want.<BR>2. Act out of love, not fear or emotion.<BR>3. Giving love makes you happy, not getting love.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Orchid, I would love to talk to you. My email is kimtomm@hotmail.com, you can leave me your number there or send me your email address.<BR>

Hi, <P>You got mail. <P>L.

Hbh,<P>I hear you. I initiated our Plan B after my a., not for the Om, but for me, for finding out who the hell I was because the person I was, just didn't do that. Things are insane here and I feel soo much like you. My h. has been out late for the past 2 weeks. I have been very ornery towards my son lately, partly because of the stress and because of the added stress of being pregnant. What works best for me is to hold my son in my arms and tell him I love him. The funny part that I can't figure out is that my son stopped having accidents while we were apart and now it's always a miss. I don't have tons of advice, but I'm up and I'm here.

Orchid was kind enough to talk to me last night and calm me down - thanks Orchid!!<P>Still have not heard from H. Kids woke up insanely early and demolished my house.<P>Not a good day.

hurtbyhubby,<P>please read my posting "alone tonight", also in General Questions II.<P>I have a major vent on Friday. Really screwed up. You dont want to go there. read it and maybe you can experience the after shocks enough to avoid losing it yourself.<P>I'm so sorry you sit in limbo this morning. Can you roll around in the wreck the kids have made and let go for a while. They would be so happy to have there mom back for a while. I know my son watches me in pain and reaches out (in good and bad ways) and sometimes I cant respond. But when I do, my heart is boosted.<P>Good luck.<BR>