This is my first posting. I'm so glad to have this forum to speak out to people who will understand my faith and not judge me poorly for trying to hold on to my marriage.<P>This spring, my H renewed an affair that started and ended quickly two years ago. But they maintainted occasional contact. It picked up again this spring and resurfaced mid May when I discovered some astrology compatibility printoffs with his and her names. He said they planned to move together this summer. I panicked and emotionally ran - asking him to let me move instead. I so feared being left.<P>I found a new place to live and moved out on June 1. We spent those two weeks together almost constantly, remembering, talking, loving.<P>Our two children are reeling still. Our 19 year old S has moved in with my mom to avoid this all, our 11 year old S is occasionally acting out but still pretty well in denial, as am I.<P>My H and I have been moving closer and farther and closer apart over the past two months. The OW is still in the picture, although last week he told me his feelings for her were fading and that he hadnt seen her in two weeks. He left town last sunday to tell her this, but didnt return until Tuesday. <P>This week, I mainted an even keel in our conversations and we even scheduled a 'date' together tonight. Our first planned evening together since our separation - though we have maintained an active emotional and sexual relationship over ths period - thought mostly by 'accident'.<P>Friday, I came across a "happy birthday love" birthday gift wrapper in his glove compartment while pulling out a street map to give directions to someone. <P>I pushed him to tell me about it - why did she give him a birthday gift 3 weeks early - what was it?<P>He finally admitted that it was a joke statue - a funny little man with funny eyes and the caption 'sex relieves tension' caption on the bottom.<P>Early in their relationship, there were sexual problems - I thought that was still the case. <P>The shock and horror of the innuendo in the gift, the frustration of the past weeks and his failed - sortof - breakup visit and months of pain rose up.<P>I told him I thought he should leave now. And left myself - knowing I was losing it very badly.<P>He followed me and I absolutely lost control. I threw my wallet at him, ran into him slamming him into the wall and finally grabbed him by the shirt collar - then by the throat and asked him why he left it there for me to find and what had been running through his mind during our lovemaking that stretched through the afternoon just one day earlier.<P>Afterwords, we shared a few words. He told me how he wanted free of me, and to share only our son.<P>Later that night I saw him shortly when he came by to bring our dog to my new home where he now lives. We hugged and cried.<P>Tonight I am alone. The first night we were to spend together. The first free night he chose to spend with me rather than her. My mom was to babysit our 11 year old son.<P>I have just written him a letter, telling him I am letting him go rather then destroy our love further.<P>I have no idea where I will go from here.<P>If only I could turn back the clock .........

Dear RunningonFaith,<BR>If I could give you a big hug I would...I'm so sorry you're going through this pain...we have all been there and are here for you now.<BR>Do not give him that letter! Stop, take some deep breaths and start reading all the articles on this web site...go through the infidelity section, read about love busters, read about emotional needs...do it now. Tomorrow you can go to the bookstore and get the After An Affair Book or order it from the website...but for now read all about Plan A...<BR>You don't see it, but from your posting he is waffling back and forth...this is when you really need Plan A and no love busters,,,READ about this!!!<BR>If he had no residual feelings for you, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to make that date for tonight...don't give up...you are on the brink and your actions from this day forward will make a difference. READ<READ<READ.<BR>and come back here with questions, to get support, to vent..what ever..we are here for you and you are not alone.<BR>T

RunningOnFaith,<P>I'm so sorry that you have had also had to endure the emotional rollercoaster that an A can cause. Twyla is right it is important to read the articles on this website. PLAN A is very hard, especially when you have a H who is trying to decide between you and the OW. I am a BS who has been dealing with this for six months and has finally seen some light at the end of a very dark and scary tunnel.<P>It sounds as though you have been keeping your feelings about this bottled up and have had a trigger that has made you release them. Releasing the feelings of anger that you have is important, but you may need to find an alternative method. I have yelled and screamed and thrown things, but try to not do it in my WS's presence. Not to say that we havent had explosive arguments, we have. <P>goodluck and keep posting here<P>danafox

Thank you both for your responses. Now, after a few hours of sleep, I have woken up flat. No emotion at all. Maybe writing the letter got me through the night. I slept at our home while he was with OW. (Yes, he knew I was staying here last light - we are fixing up the house to sell it and after Friday's big blow out he didnt actually want to work 'with' me anymore so I am here while he is not). It was good to sleep in our bed.<P>I discovered this website a few weeks ago and have been poking through it since. Yesterday morning I was so releived to have found a place for support. I'm sure you understand the self doubt, and the wondering if you are doing the right thing. Most of my friends and usual support system seriously question me hanging on too - as well as questioning my motives and assuring me that it is simply my low self esteen and my inability to get with my life. But I will to come here only for support now. That will be easier for my self esteem.<P> I am just not sure I can make it through plan A. Today I feel like maybe I can survive plan B. Just no more torture. No more living through the horrible admissions he makes, the horrible glimpses of our new reality whenever I get too close and he needs to push me away.<P>How do I hold on then? <P>I'm sorry to say that I do not have the faith of a religion or a belief in a god who I can turn too. I am trying to find the strength, control in myself and can't seem to right now.<P>Again,<P>thank you. It felt good to wake up to your support. <BR>

I'm so sorry for your pain. huggggzzzzzz..... but you are in the right place for wonderful support and advice.<P>I have a suggestion that some of the others may not like. It's sort of a compromise, but may give you strength in "letting go", but it's not giving up. I did it, and we are still separated after 6 weeks, but I am seeing my H come around some now, and I can do a better Plan A. I wrote a letter (1)expressing my pain caused by his A and his giving up on his commitments to me, (2)agreeing that it's probably best that he move out for a little while so we could have some space, but (3)I also expressed my love, and desire to reconcile and spend our lives together, and (4)the things I admire about him. I said that I would be open for reconciliation for a time, and I didn't know how long that would be.<P>I gave that to him 3 (or 4) weeks ago - just so he would know my feelings, could re-read it, and not twist my words. I have been in Plan A all along - learning his EN's and filling the as much as I can, avoiding LB's, and working on myself. I didn't "let him go", really, but gave him the space he was wanting... after all - let's face it - if they want to leave they will - so we might as well let them, but continue to tell them we love them so they can get back on track.<P>Like I said, I'm sure how "Harley-ish" that letter was, but my counselor liked it, it SURE helped me to be sure I told my H everything that was on my heart and where I stood. It allowed me to Plan A better, and truly feel more love for him, because I wasn't "holding on to him" as much and therefore feeling hurt and desparate.<P>Just my thoughts... hang in there.

Thanks for your words FaithI,<P>what you suggest sounds like a good idea. Especially the idea of not having your words twisted around. I know that seems to happen frequently - and sometimes only the words that bother him stay with him - the admiration I show slips off is back (if only the venting did also)<P>I hope your weekend is going well & appreciate your support.<P>Thanks..... maybe I'll go off and adjust this letter of mine.