I usually post on the pregnancy/child forum, but wanted to see what you all thought about this...here goes...<BR>Okay, I have been debating on whether I was going to post this or not. I'm not sure what I am looking for and you will see I'm not even sure of how I am feeling lately.<BR>I'm scared, scared to post my truest thoughts that I have not shared with anyone except my 9 month old baby (He listens very well!)I have even been feeling so scared I feel sick to my stomach, and it is doing backflips tonite. Scared of what my future may hold, and scared that my H may find this post (although that is unlikely as he understands this is my "safe haven". I'm facing my fear of posting b/c I can't live w/ these thoughts alone anymore. MY MIND JUST WON'T STOP!<BR>Okay I'll start with the "safe stuff".<P>All my life I have had low self esteem and always felt others saw me as less mature, always a few years younger. Could this have to do w/ being the youngest of 7?...maybe. (and also the biggest age gap is between myself and my sister ahead of me.)I always had average grades, average looks(but have never considered myself pretty), never really excelled in anything...(except starving myself into a hospital twice...ahhhh but I did survive that!)In essence, I have always felt like a child. I do remember a conversation pre-A (my H and I often discussed infidelity and the male/female perspective on sex and how one is emotional and the other physical...he loves to debate)My H said(and that time he did say it as a joke) that if I was unable to show him the affection he needed he would need to go elsewhere to get it. Now that he gone and actually DONE that, the child syndrome returns...and I feel as if he gave me fair warning and I didn't listen, so here is my punishment. I feel so inadequate b/c I was unable to fulfill my H needs, and the OW did so, even if it was just for sex and a short time...I just don't feel like a strong, 36 yo sexy, sensual, mature woman anymore. I feel like a teenager or young adult, just embarking on life, but trapped b/c back then any choices I made were regarding only me...now they affect so many other people.<P>I also am finding myself fighting a losing battle with certain things. I KNOW that I can't change the past. I KNOW that the OC is here to stay (contact or no contact...we still see the money go...)AND YES, I KNOW that the child is innocent in all this...but I WANT OUT!!!! I don't want to be the star in this movie anymore, I want to erase this and have a "do-over".Not the best analogy but here goes...if I am doing a project, big or small, and it isn't just right I scrap it and start all over, all new materials, a whole new beginning. But that can't happen here, you just can't scrap people, they are real, living, not unfeeling objects.<P>THEN, there is the blame issue, a whole new post, one that I will have to work on.<P>And here is what is making me sick to my stomach with worry. Basically, I have been thinking more and more that I can't get past what he did. Would I be happier if we parted, at least at this point we could try to remain friends.I thought that a year past d-day, I would have made this decision by now. But I find that it has been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and although I have not said it exactly to my h, I think he is aware of my uncertainty b/c he has recently said to me that he still is afraid that one day he will come home and I will say "I can't take it I have had enough." Okay here is Side A/Side B thoughts...<BR>Side A:the fear of leaving...our kids, the family we have built together. When he leaves for a trip they say"Not again Daddy!" and life with them is complete for me. I can't imagine not having them, not for a weekemd or even a few hours. I could't share my children with another woman, miss half their life b/c of his inability to keep his pants zipped. I don't want to date, deal with anothers "baggage" (or have my children be considered baggage either) AND as odd as it sounds, I don't think I could handle seeing my H falling in love with another person, that would kill me, b/c i do love him...onto...<BR>Side B:fear of staying...do I love him enough to not look at him and feel the pain I felt when I received the papers in the mail a year ago. And I KNOW that I will never feel the same love as before, but how can it be better or more...I loved him so much before, I don't know if it could be stronger ...and now, when he holds me it feels so right. But a faded memory has been coming into mind when I am with him sometimes. <<<I didn't date alot in HS, most of it was in college. I have been remembering the feeling of "freedom" or 'relief" if you will when I would break it off with someone that I knew I no longer wanted to date. I didn't want to hurt thier feelings, but knew it would not work, and after it was done I knew the choice I made was right.>>> It scares me b/c I can almost feel that feeling of relief when I imagine my life if we were to split....But then I fast forward to seeing him with another person, being as we were(and I know that he was not this way with the OW, it was purely for sex..ouch that hurts everytime!) and I know that it would sadden me that I couldn't move past and forgive, b/c yes despite what he did, he is a good person and have always considered him my "soul-mate".(And the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...)<P>(And no, I don't think he would understand any of this if <BR>I told him, he would just assume I have reached my limit and it is a matter of time before I go...rather than me trying to make sense of what is going on inside my head.)<P>And to top it all off I have added pressure onto myself, that I want to have another baby with him(What am I nuts?!) I was pregnant when I found out about the A and that she had his first son before me. It was supposed to be our last child...but during my pregnancy all this developed, we didn't enjoy the joy of having a son and I couldn't prepare for it(my sisters did all the preparing of the room, washing clothes, ect) He wasn't there for it mentally in the beginning(pre-d-day) and we were dealing with so much after...I just can't imagine that being our last pregnancy together. And I am 36, and my rate of healing is so slow so far...(And I have always wanted 5-7 kids, we were going to stop at 3...a compromise...)I don't know, I just can't stop thinking about it. When we make it thru, I don't want him to say, "But we just can't do it, or I don't want to..."<P>Okay...this is WAY too long, much longer than I intended. So sorry for the rambling( see I warned you it was all over the place), but my stomach has seemed to settle a bit. Thanks, as always, to all of you who have made it thru this post. God bless<P><BR>

Hi NGU,<P>Welcome to this site. I did visit the preg/child site earlier this year and they are a very supportive group there. We are here also so you are always welcome here. <P>Can you please provide a little more background? Is your H with you and your family? How is the relationship with the OW & OC? Paternity verified via testing?<P>Just a few questions. Now for you, has anything significant happened to make you feel this way? <P>It sounds like you are having anxiety attacks. You are a mom and feel the need to be strong all the time (pretty common trait among us moms), but if it is anxiety attacks, you need to understand them. <P>I was preg earlier this year and OW claimed to be also at the same time. We are both not preg now (I miscarried at 10 weeks, ow claimed to miscarry at 7 weeks - no proof of ow even being preg - she is 45 and I am 43). I suffered like many others from anxiety attacks and learned that this is our bodies way of getting rid of our stress. <P>It starts our adrenaline running and our minds racing. If that is your immediate issue, here step over here and breathe, you know those cleansing breathes they teach you in those lamaze classes or yoga classes. Next, if possible find a place to stretch out and relax. Kick your feet up. A good soak in a nice warm tub may help. I have found that a little pure lavender oil on your stress points help. For me that is my neck and shoulders. It took about 20 minutes. The oil treatment lasted about 2 hours (I was crying and couldn't stop), then I had to repeat it again and was fine after that. <P>How to rebuild your self esteem? Well, when you can make a list of your accomplishments. Take a walk down memory lane and see where you were and where you are now. There are little lives you helped bring in this world that now rely on you and call you mom. This is an accomplishment. You are a loyal person who loves her H. Now days that is an accomplishment in itself. So many are willing to break their vows for piddly reasons. <P>Work on that list. Then post back to us. There is a thread here by Buffy about an interview with a Dr Shirley Glass, kind of interesting. If you get a few minutes, take a peak at it. It helped me not be so negative or hard on myself. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

OOps sorry.wrong post<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited August 06, 2001).]

Orchard: Thanks for the advice. I'm not so sure if it is panic attacks...I suffered from them while suffering from my eating disorders. I think it is more the fear that i may not be makimg the right decision or a decision based on the right reasons. I just fear that my love for him is not strong enough or that my heart has just been broken into too many pieces.<BR>I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage...I can't even imagine the pain from that.<BR>I used to post here alot before I found the pregnancy board.<BR>I am 1 year past d-day...I was 5 1/2 months pregnant when I got court papers in the mail asking for child support and paternity. He had a 4 mth affair w/ a co-worker, he says purely for sex. We support the OC but he has chosen no contact. We have verified paternity from my insistance...I didn't want to pay child support w/o the test. He has had no contact w/ her or OC in about 10 months. That was the last time she sent pictures to him. He is home with me, we just moved to a new state, building a house...we are trying, it just seems as if I am doubting myself more often lately and it makes me uncomfortable. My H is very remorseful, but it all comes back to the love and willingness to forgive. Is my love strong enough to live thru the constant triggers, and the oc and movies that still play thru my head. Like I said before, do I love him enough or am I just too hurt and unwilling to let it go?

Well, I may not be the best one to help you but here's my take. Write up the list of pluses and minuses you feel about your H. Just like the accomplishment post. <P>Have you visited the recovery site? I am not in recovery yet, tried a few times but went backwards. So again, I probably am not the best one right now. But I will post to keep it to the top. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Not Giving Up,<P>You have made it past that horrible first year. That one is a real toughie to get through. We have been rebuilding our marriage now for 3 1/2 a half years and please, realize they DO get better and easier if you are both still willing and committed. <P>I can't tell you how many times and how close I came to throwing in the towel and giving up also. Too many times to count. And I'd be willing to bet if you posted a post on the recovery board and asked if anyone there had EVER considered giving up, you'd get a lot of honest answers that, yes, the thought had occurred, even if it was a fleeting thought. Even in recovery, sometimes that pain and disappointment resurfaces and just seems inescapable. But again, the good news is that it happens less and less often with time. And less and less painful.<P>Are you in counseling? Have you ever been? Any chance of phone counseling with the Harley's? I went to counseling for about 2 yrs after the discovery of my H's long term affair. I really needed help, professional help, to get through this. I felt like my life, my feelings, my dreams were totally out of control and I didn't know how or what to do to stop it. I felt such anger, pain and hatred that was so foreign to me and didn't like feeling that way. My H was doing all he could to repair our marriage but I felt like I wasn't going to be able to hold up my end of this goal. The counseling did help. <P>Hold onto your dreams and goals. Don't let them slip away. This first year HAS been the hardest and you've made it through that. If you are not in counseling, check into it. If you are,, discuss this openly with your counselor and work through it. It IS possible and you CAN do it. But it is your decision and only you can do that. <P>Good luck to you and stay strong...