It was great reading your articles on infidelity - your perspective is quite different to most websites which deal with the victims. I find myself developing deeper feelings for my lovestruck coworker/friend even though I have dragged my wife to marriage counselling recently. It feels so wrong to let my friend (not physical lover - but considering our emotions we might as well have) be left in her predicament... So even though it appears I have the perfect life with a wife who understands the need to improve communication between us, I feel the urge to leave so that I can start afresh as the knight in shining armor who would save my friend from her past married-men nightmares and give her the child she so wants before her body can't. I've even tried to rationalise that I would continue to look after my young son the same week/weekend days off I do routinely. Please help me as my counselor's focus is on resolving my issues and not my friend's, who I am now obsessed by.

Binkle_Bonk:<P>You said: "It feels so wrong to let my friend (not physical lover - but considering our emotions we might as well have) be left in her predicament... "<P>You are responsible for you. You are responsible to your wife. Your wife is reponsible for herself and to you. When you married, you took on the responsibility to love, honor, cherish each other. You are reponsible to do these things.<P>You are not responsible for your "friend" and how she has chosen to live her life. Your friend is responsible for herself. Stop rescuing her and trying to fix her life. Your life has enough trouble, and you can't fix hers anyway. Concentrate on you. Refocus. Pay attention.<P>That's why you're therapist is focusing on resolving your issues and not your "friend's." Your "friend" didn't go your therapist for help, you did.<P>Friends know when the friendship must end.<P>SaltWater

Have you seen this article?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5024p_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5024p_qa.html</A>

Thanks for the posts, yep I've read those articles and they gave me insight into the situation.<BR>The only other comment to make is that my "responsibilities" leave no consolation and portray an underlying character flaw throughout my entire spineless life!

My H almost threw his entire life away for a "friend." A friend who claimed to be my best friend and yet slept with him 6 months after we stood in their wedding. Yes, she cried and carried on about her rotten life. Then slept with him in MY bed. I will NEVER get over the hurt. So if you really want to do the right thing, CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER. It is the only way.<P>You should talk to my husband. He is so sorry he ever went there and did that. He has enormous guilt and greatly fears coming face to face with his maker. at the time, he thought she was his dream come true. Now he realizes what he had and almost lost. She was married twice and cheated on both husbands w/i 6 months. Quite a prize he almost won.<P>I'm glad you're honest. You Can NOT change her life so don't try. Work on you and your wife. If you are really committed, get out of your job as it will only cause problems. My H and friend actually were together at the office. HOw sick is that?<P>Yes, I'm bitter. Hurt. Betrayed. But I'll get over it with counseling and prayer. You will too if you put the work in. Good luck

Thank you so much for sharing this with me.<BR>The difference here is that she has said again and again that until I decide what to do with my life she doesn't want to interfere and become the mistress/lovesick friend yet again. And all I seem to think about while working all day is how to end my marriage... I told my counsellor all this and was then told that I have things going for me and that I can make the marriage work. The emotional attraction (not physical as she is intelligent and beautiful) to my wife isn't there and there is even a desire to shy away from physical contact.

The difference here is that she has said again and again that until I decide what to do with my life she doesn't want to interfere and become the mistress/lovesick friend yet again.<P>So it's like she's offering you a big carrot - you dump your wife and then you can have me. Sounds enticing.<P>Why don't you desire your wife? You found her attractive and desireable at one point in your relationship, didn't you? what happened between then and now?<P>

She found me desirable and funny and I taught her to play in bed. Now she finds me comforting and reliable and lovable but doesn't want to deviate from the monthly routine stint in bed. In fact she now considers any change formula for the makings of a slut.

Freddy what do you have to say in reply to my comment?? As each day passes I find myself willing the marriage to be over more and more.

Hi binkle_bonk,<P>I'm here - just took me a little while to get to your post, sorry. It sounds to me as if (some) of us have similar problems. For example, my W won't even discuss the topic of sex with me. At the moment she's giving me the line 'I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to perform - and I just can't. I need to be in the mood' and on, and on, and on it goes. The more I talk about it, the less interested she is.<P>At the moment, we're intimate about once a week - if I'm a good boy that is. If I create any pressure or LB in anyway during the week then it's not gonna happen. She has made me feel like I have to beg for it and really work at it if I want it. When she's in the mood - it's brilliant but that's mostly down to me taking my time. I figure that when I get it I may as well make the most of it <P>Am I bored with this - sure I am. Big time. Am I interested in having an affair - no way. My life is so complicated at the moment that having an affair would kill me. And, just because my Ws behaviour isn't right in my book neither is me or her having an affair. I'm also encouraged by people like 'after shock' and 'husband2You'. These people are putting something much larger and worthwhile first in their lives and they've been living without sex for a long, long time.<P>No, I think there's a different way. At least I'm trying it anyway. And that's what this site has to offer and what the MB principles have to offer. Do you have a copy of His Needs Her Needs? If she's willing, read it together. It'll help you start understanding which of her needs you aren't meeting, help you meet them and then (hopefully) intimacy becomes a product of that process.<P>But all this depends on how much you want to work at your marriage. Only you can answer that question. Yes, a quick one with your friend sounds tempting - but is it really the best thing for you? isn't there a danger that it won't be any different with her? and what happens after the event - your wife will hate you. You certainly won't be her Knight in Shining Armour.<P>binkle_bonk, at this stage I'd really try and communicate with your wife in a non-judgmental, non aggressive style. Tell her what you're feeling. Tell her that her behaviour is frustrating you and then ask her how she feels. Give it a chance - you and your wife are worth at least that.<P>what do you think ?<P>

bb,<P>I'm still thinking about your situation and I have a question; did your Ws disinterest come before the friend was on the scene?<P>

Thanks Freddy. My wife's disinterest occurred well before my interest in other women. I've flirted within 6 months of being married but nurtured then turned down 2 affairs since then. I discovered that she wouldn't cuddle up when we went to bed, but would curl away in a preferred lifelong habit. Sex that started as being daily became monthly. Bedtime had to start at 9pm whereas I'm a nightowl. Her argument is that she's tired during the week or the end of the day and prefers to talk work/ideas in bed, or that I don't make it to bed till late (which I disproved by coming to bed at 9 for 2 and half weeks) but I don't just want a 5am interlude or play once a month. I've talked about this before and we came to no conclusion because she can't MAKE herself feel differently... and yes I am at a stage where it looks too hard to leave (child support, no family support for me here, probably lose everything including house because don't want to deprive my child of home) but feel like I'm trying to kill a part of me yet again until the next flirt with probably the WRONG person next time when I will say enough is enough.

bb,<P>I just want to let you know that I really understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. It's like the W shows either very little interest or close to no interest and you're left feeling like a party but with nowhere to go. It's like, if she's not interested somebody else is. <P>If it's any help, you're not the only one that's having similar issues and you're certainly not the only one that isn't getting enough - I know there's many of us out here in the same boat <P>I'm working through the MB stuff and Plan Aing (2 months now) because this stuff is pretty good. I'm just starting understand what's happening in my relationship and why it's going wrong. But that has taken radical honesty on my part, a lot of emotional energy and a real effort to change myself for the better.<P>MB principles can help you here too, I know it. The book HN/HN clarifies a lot of the issues as to why you're in conflict. Then with the questionaires etc it gives you a chance to start understanding the areas BOTH of you need to work on.<P>Keep talking binkle bonk, keep talking<P>