Anyone here have to deal with this sort of infidelity?<P>How did you figure it out? How did you get to the truth?<P>I may have been barking up the wrong tree -- or not enough trees -- <P>praying that I'm wrong <P>

PB:<P>Not quite. My exW's affairs were more the "Rednecks, cheap honky-tonks, and low-lifes" variety.<P>Unfortunately, as with hookers, call girls and sluts, there is an equal abundance of the previous.<P>The difference, it would seem, is that the person (male or female) is finding some form of emotional needs fulfillment via a series of "mini-affairs" (one night stands, essentially), rather than the full-blown baggage that a "monogamous" affair has.<P>It can be (in the WS's mind) easier for a WS to justify. It isn't really cheating, is it ... I am just paying for a service ... like pool cleaning (only deeper and murkier).<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I already know that there have been at least two long-term EAs with co-workers.<P>Now I have learned that PAs of the one-night-stand variety, either with paid protitutes or with low-life amateur bar crawlers, are a distinct possiblity.<P>gods above......<BR>

Hi PB,<P>I was just reading this on a website and thought perhaps it may help you. It's an excerpt from the following book:<P>Affairs : A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity by Emily M. Brown <BR> <A HREF="http://www.cyberpathway.com/whispers/books/storero/book25.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cyberpathway.com/whispers/books/storero/book25.htm</A> <P>Sexual Addicts:<P>Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb their inner pain and fill up the emptiness inside, much as alcoholics use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women. Many wives will tolerate a sexually addicted spouse but husbands generally will not. With Conflict Avoiders and Intimacy Avoiders, both partners have similar styles of interaction. With Sexual Addiction, each spouse has a different role: one engages in the addictive behavior, while the other enables that behavior. For each, their role provides a way to avoid pain and emptiness. <P>Profile of Sexual Addicts <P>• The Sexual Addict has had twenty-five, fifty, or more affairs. <BR>• The seduction is as important as the affair, if not more so. <BR>• The Sexual Addict has little, if any, relationship with the affair partner. <BR>• The Sexual Addict turns to sex when feeling lonely, empty, in pain, or otherwise uncomfortable. <BR>• The Sexual Addict denies that the behavior is a problem, even though shame may be experienced after the sexual encounter. <BR>• A predictable cycle of behavior repeats from one sexual encounter to the next. <BR>• Addiction to another escape, such as alcohol or pornography, is part of the pattern. <BR>• The Sexual Addict doesn't bother hiding the sexual behavior. <P>Profile of Sexual Addicts' Spouses <P>• The spouse puts up with the Sexual Addict's behavior.<BR>• The spouse presents a brave face to the outside world..<BR>• The partners live rather separate lives..<BR>• The spouse makes it easy for the Sexual Addict to pursue sexual conquests because the spouse is willing to carry responsibility that isn't his or hers..<P><BR>The Origins of Sexual Addiction <P>Sexual addiction is often viewed as a joke, as a ridiculous idea, or as nonexistent. It is seen as an excuse to be promiscuous, or dismissed with the idea that the addict is "oversexed." But sexual addiction is real. It is not about sex, however, nor is it about romantic love. Charlotte Kasl, a psychologist, says, "Sexually addicted adults are essentially children hiding out in grown-up bodies, hungrily seeking parents to love them unconditionally." Sexual addiction becomes understandable when we realize it results from severe abuse or neglect in early childhood, which has left the addict with painful wounds and an empty feeling inside. Sex becomes a way of anesthetizing the pain or of filling the emptiness, at least for a brief moment. Sexual addiction can take many forms, but our focus here is on the compulsive use of affairs.<P>HTHs,<BR>Jo<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 06, 2001).]

Resilient - thanks for the response - I have read about sexual addiction, but I don't think that's the case here - I think that if this has happened, it's just been a few times when he has been out of town and the opportunity was there (I do know that much for a fact)<P>Listen to me...."just been a few times......."<P>I don't think this has been a case of sexual addiction... that would almost give him an excuse, so to speak... I think this is something else...<P>kind of in shock right now<BR>

Just because the opportunities have presented themselves ins't reason enough for them to be culminated into infidelity. I've travelled on business many times and had many, many opportunities to cheat on my wife and totally get away with it, but I chose not to because I value our relationship.<P>Something happened that caused him to value your relationship less than his temporal pleasure. Any ideas?

Say PB,<P>What are your H's most important Emotional Needs? If "Sexual Fullfilment" is up there, then you may want to explore how you can fill that need for him. <P>Have you printed up the EN questionaire? Maybe do so and have him fill it out. And you fill one out also.<P>Meeting ENs is part of Plan A. I would suggest that's where you start. You can read about Plan A and Plan B in the Harley's basic concepts on this Website. Most times a spouse starts having A's because his/her needs are not being met. <P>Be well,<BR>Jo

PB,<P>If you can find it in your heart, don't judge him too hard. And please don't judge the prostitutes - these girls have a very hard life and they take what they can get.<P>I think you need to take a hard look at how you and your husband are together. Take time to think about what it is that would drive a man to seek this?<P>what do you think?

What would drive a man to seek this, you ask?<P>How about when the man in question:<P>1) Enjoys a great marriage for many years with a woman who loves him.<P>2) Decides that if some is good, more is better! and so starts a couple of long-term EAs with attractive female co-workers.<P>3) Becomes annoyed when the EAs poison the marriage and his sex life suffers.<P>4) Spends time at out-of-town strip joints / wh*rehouses and lies to his wife about it.<P>Are we there yet?<BR>

It's me again PB ....<P>What I'm hearing is your H and you have been on a downward spiral. <P>He wanted to experiment (cheat) and got caught. It affected your marriage in terms of your sex life (as well as other facets) and so he's out cheating some more.<P>Welp, here's the deal. Someone has to stop the spiral. And because you came here for help, maybe it should be you???<P>I guess first you need to decide if you want your marriage. If the answer is yes, then the work begins. <P>Do you want your marriage, PB?<P>Jo

Resilient, I just had to say that link was very interesting. My H is definately the split self affair. It scares me a little to read it, so true.<BR>PB, not experienced with many affairs, H had his after 38 yrs. Good advice here though, has helped me so much in this mess. <BR>Thanks again. LAD

psycho_b<P>I really feel your pain - just wanted you to know - and there's absolutely nothing that you've done (or any BS for that matter) that can justify the kind of behaviour exhibited by your S.Your response to my posting really showed your pain and my heart goes out to you. <P>It seems to me that many WSs exhibit a depth of thoughtlessness and selfishness which is way beyond understanding. I'm so sorry for you that you are experiencing this.<P>Ok, the question now is how do you move along. Is it possible for you to use a Harleys counseling session? do you have a copy of HN/HN?<P>Unfortuneately one of you needs to break the cycle - and this often falls to the BS. This was the case for me anyway. Then you need to develop the elements of a good Plan A and think about a Plan B. <P>However, you might want to think about stopping the totally unacceptable behaviour of your H first and establish a rule which protects you. Then start Plan Aing. My suggestion would be to tell your H that if he wants to save your marraige then he has to commit to NO CONTACT with prostitutes or other women. There is to be NO VISITING whorehouses AND he gets himself tested now for STDs before he shares your bed again.<P>what do you think?<P>Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your own health, you're too important <P> <BR>