Spent all day with my husband... It was good/bad, etc. We argued a little, cuddled alot, no yelling, all in all good things.<P>He told me what really bugged him, and I told him what I would like from him. He really resented me alot and HELD IT ALL INSIDE!! Damn him! <P>We talked ALOT. I found out my marriage wasn't as great as I thought it was before the A (as expected). Found out more about him and OW (ewww - excuse me while I throw up) and she really is no competition for me... He was basically with her because he did not WANT to be with me anymore (he ran away for a month, remember?), now that he wants to be with me again eventually... (he didn't actually say any of that, but from what he told me and the WAY he told me, I have to come to that conclusion, she is not that great a catch, good friend - YES, good girlfriend, um, no).<P>He still does not want to jump in, he wants to take it slow. The problem is that he is afraid I won't be able to change my ways and he won't be able to change his ways and we will be right back where we were 6 months ago. I tell him, you have to actually TRY before you can condemn us, I said NOTHING is going to happen that will MAGICALLY make you want to move back in and give 100%, you have to give 100% and then see how the chips fall... And if I'm not changing the way I need to, YOU DON'T THROW ME AWAY, GIVE UP ON ME, AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE!!<P>He wants to give it time and stay in his apartment while he gets counseling and figures things out (WITHOUT OW around confusing things in his head).<P>We work on it slowly... One step at a time. He thinks about what I say and I told him to READ, LEARN, go to MB and get educated, find out what is our best chance of recovery...<P>In the end his goal is for us to be together, he's just scared to jump right in, he keeps saying I am getting ahead of myself. DO YOU THINK I AM???<P>I really don't like hearing alot of the things he has to say, alot of it hurts, but I know it is part of the healing process. Just like I tell him that I will take responsibility for the problems I helped cause BEFORE the A, however, he and OW is ALL HIM, baby. I had NOTHING to do with that, just him and OW. He says he can't think of it that way (he keeps trying to allude that I helped cause it, or it was okay, etc.) He says if he takes full responsibility for it he will NEVER be able to forgive himself. (he takes some responsibility, but just a little right). So, y'no what I say? Blame OW!! I do, works for me. <smirk> He didn't like that idea too much... <P>I am sad because he just left to go to his apartment (he is not coming home right away). We talk about the future ALOT and some very positive things going on. I can only think counseling will help even more... <P>I told him I was NOT okay with him being in his apartment when school starts back up and OW comes back. It would be okay if she wasn't coming back, but since she is, we have to figure something out. <P>All-in-all, good day.<P>Do you guys like hearing about this progress? I thought it may help some and gives me a way to vent...<P>The OTHER thing is, he talks about $$, and how he can't afford to pay some bills and he says he can't pay me the $$ he owes for last month because he had to pay tuition. Then he says he's too busy paying on MY $3000 credit debt that I left him with, I say, well, I'll be happy to pay half of your $3000 of debt WE BOTH ACCRUED while we were married, if you pay half of MY $3000... He just says, that I can afford it, and I say, well that's part of you moving out and this whole thing... <P>He still won't set up visitation for the kids and he doesn't pay me child support, although I don't need it at all, just a formality, it's not like my kids would have anything different, I would just pay off more of the CC debt. <P>So, I'm wondering if I should push these things UNTIL he moves back in the house - probably an LB to him, but I mean he's NOT currently living with us, or should I just give in for a while and help him out (plan A style) until he decides to move back in? <P><BR>Okay, AND I KNOW there are others out there in recovery who's husbands did not move back in right away but wanted to start working on the marriage slowly, so I don't feel this is an odd request/situation.

HBH--sounds like a great day to me, he's opening up, talking, this is good. Go with it, careful not to LB, don't ppush, let him lead if you can, think of it as a dance.<P>God's blessings, Dawn

Don't argue with him. Just listen. Say a lot of hmmms.<P>Remember. Don't believe. Don't believe. Don't believe. The truth is there, but you have to let the fog dissipate...you have to make sure it is you talking and him talking and not your images of each other...<P>We all live in our own dream, our own fog. It is when we stop believing our dream and look for our true beliefs and be true to ourselves and not our image of ourselves that we can master love.<P>Love is action. Love yourself first. Practice love. You will find happiness and personal freedom. Both of you.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>