I don't think I can Plan A any longer. I know it's only been a few weeks really but H took my children around OW. I know this for a fact now and it's something he said he would never do to me. The worse part for me is that he lied to them about it, told them he was taking them to a (male)friend's house. When I called him about it, he told me then that he'd said he wouldn't do that but he knows full well that's exactly what he did. <P>I don't want my children hurt anymore and I don't want them lied to. I told them where it was their daddy took them and my son was not happy about it. <P>I'm going to talk to a lawyer to see what I can do legally. I refuse to let OW near my children. If/when they get married, I know I'll have a fight on my hands to keep that from happening. Until then, I believe I have a good chance of preventing it. He has hurt me once again and I really didn't think he could do much else that would hurt so bad. <P>I think my marriage is over and it's time to move on. I'm beginning to believe that my H is happy where he's at and with who he's become. I really don't think he cares that his family will never accept her or that he's hurting any of us. I think everything he's said about her and about still loving me is so much bull****. If he felt any love for me at all he wouldn't have done the one thing I've asked him over and over again not to do.<P>I'm moving on to Plan B, I think. I don't think I could stand the sight of him again. Everything else I was willing to forgive, this I don't think I can. It's hard right now to see him as being "in the fog."<P>Thank you all for the support you've given me in such a short time. I wish I had your strength. Unfortunately, I think I've been holding on to the memory of the man my H used to be, hoping that man would once again re-appear. I guess that man is dead and gone.<P>MS

MS, I'm so sorry for your situation. I know you are frustrated and concerned for your kids. They and you are your priority right now.<P>Here's a link to Notable Posts/Threads. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html</A> <P> Scroll down and do some reading on Plan B, and perhaps Plan A. There's some great info there from best older posts and threads. <P>Only you can know when it is time to move on. But I thought you might do some reading. huggggsssss we're all here if you need us. I'm sure you will get some more posts on this thread.

Okay back peddle here... <P>I have 'said' I was giving up a hundred times... to myself.. to friends to family and even to my wife, but you can't, as I haven't. If I can make it this long.. with this much caca.. you can to. I never acted upon it. But speaking of it is okay. Your hurting.<P>Now.. the harshness.. the guilt.. (sorry, I'm being honest)<P>YOU promised to love him in sickness and health... till death do you part... and he is in a kinda sickness don't you think? Is he the person you married? Nope.. If he was now cancer ridden instead of in an affair, would you give up hope, quit on him? Leave him to his own ends(death). I don't think you would. You would fight till you knew that he couldn't/wouldn't come back to you and you would live in peace.<P>Don't give up... don't toss your hands in the air... don't turn over and die... your so much more worth all this pain than that.. don't you agree? Don't you want to live in peace? You don't want to EVER.. <B>E - V - E - R ...... E - V - E - R ... wonder</B> what if I had waited a little longer. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself. You'd question EVERYTHING that life has to come to you based upon your decision to quit now. You don't need that.<P>A loving example.. hopefully........<P>(Note: OM is living with her still, but he's on the way out.. I think, she is 279 miles away from me.. incase you didn't know.)<P>I told my W yesterday, during my visit with her...<P>Me speaking to her.. <P>We started our life together peacefully, didn't we? <P>Didn't we peacefully live the best years that we could? <P>If now we decide to go on our ways, don't you want to end our marriage peacefully so that we can respectfully look back years from now and both know that we fell out of love gently and peacefully with each other? <P>Do you think that by doing things peacefully in the end that our friendship will be worthy of having and there won't be any animosity?<P>Then I told her.. <P>I love you very much and I know you want to be the best of friends as we always have been, and that you don't want a divorce right now, because we aren't ready for one. I know that I can be that best friend to you and still go on with my life and make myself a better person. Do I want to? No I don't. I hope that through our friendship that I become irresistable to you as you have become to me since we have been through all this together. Since you have found happiness through your job and doing moving on all on your own without the OM, you are so delightfully irresitible to me. As you know, I am working on myself and one day I am going to be a better person. While you and I are friends, we are going to see each other grow during this time of patience that we both are walking. We one day I hope as friends will find that love and passion that we had so much of when we first met. If we don't find the passion and love and we fall from each others hearts slowly, we both will be better people, and for our children, they deserve in the very least that. <P>We said some horrible things to one another over the past 3 years. W, what else were we suppose to say to each other? You were hurting, I was hurting and we both still are hurting. But through that hurt I forgave you everytime for what was happening to me and you. I know that I want you and I also know you know that you want me. As you have said so many times lately that there has been to much that happened, that its impossible to put things back together. That may be true, but in order for me to live my life without the pondering question in my mind, heart and soul, I have to fall out of love with you slowly and patiently. <P>And then I told her...<P>W, I can't honestly try and be the best friend that you need me to be, today tomorrow or in the future, IF I have someone on my arm that I know you wouldn't approve of, that you didn't like, and who would sway my judgement of myself and of you and there is no way I could resolve my love for you peacefully. <P>Continuing.. I said...<P>Peace is all I want. I want to peacefully live my life, regardless whether we are together or not, knowing that you and I could or never could be together anymore.<P>***<BR>She finally spoke up..<P>She agreed that she wanted to be friends no matter what happened with us. She also stated that she wanted to know that she could live peacefully with herself and know whether or not we could have or couldn't have made it. She spoke of ending peacefully for the best interest of all, in just as many words that I did.. <P>***<P>Now the fog may be lifting around my situation now.. finally, after 2 LONG, HARD, TRYING years and 7 months... but I didn't get to this point to roll over and quit.<P>What this has setup for her and I is that we are going to try and be friends.. Plan Aing on my part. Fixing me on my part... being that friend that she longs to have the rest of her life. The principal is still the same. I have her in my life the way she needs me at the moment, and I have her as much as SHE is able to give herself to me. She agrees that ending our relationship should be peaceful and not full of anger, resentment under the brow of someone else being there on her side. My W is making the decisions to do the right thing as far as the OM, but it may not end up where <B>I</B> want it. But in the end, one of two things will exist... the OM will be gone and she and I will be friends only the rest of our life, knowing that we came to the decision together to make this peaceful, <B>OR</B> we will be together, as friends without the OM or OW by myside making the best of our friendship.. and that is how we fell in love to begin with.<P>It may not be a MB principal per say.. but I believe that I can live with this in a way that I know I will be happy. <P>MadSeason,<P>I don't know if this helps.. but you shouldn't give up. I didn't intend to take over your post and put myself right in the middle of it.. but I think that by giving up, you aren't ending your marriage peacefully, and it will haunt you the rest of your life.. IMVLHO.<P>Don't give up. Have faith.. be strong for you and he will see how irresitable you are becoming without him.. and he WILL follow some how some day.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

MS,<P>This helps me.. <P>put it on everything you own.. if you think it will help.<P>"Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes softly and sits on your shoulder."<P>Make yourself irresistible okay?

MS,<P>I am sorry that your H continues to hurt you so much. It is bad enough to have to endure the affair, but even more painful when we feel our children are affected.<P>One thing I want you to do is this - nothing, just yet. Pull back and take a deeeeeeeeep breath, please! You are understandably angry and hurt. But, this is not the tiome to take action, because it will be driven off of reaction. Think about your situation for awhile. Let yourself get over the anger of the moment before doing anything. Decisions about continuing or giving up, Plan A vs Plan B, etc., need to be carefully considered before enacted. You are too emotional right now to make a thoughful decision that could have profound reprecussions to you and your children. Plan B should NOT be undertaken lightly.<P>Give yourself a breather before making any big decisions, OK? <P>Wishing you well, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi MS:<P>It's hard when this is all so new and everyone is so full of anger and resentment to look down the road and see that there could be a positive end to all this. It's symtomatic of the "fog" that WS do things that they shouldn't...things that they will probably live to regret...but their heads are spinning now and they can't think correctly. How confusing this must be for those kids....how can he not understand that? <P>You'll find that family usually will take a backseat to the affair right now...taking the kids by OW probably was an attempt to get OW excepted....a toe hold into the family.<P>As for giving up...this is so new...if you've read Harley's basic information you probably have read that it takes an average of 6 months for the affair to begin to fall apart....can't you give it at least that much time. It takes 2 or 3 months for any Plan A improvements to be able to penetrate the fog...so if you've been Plan Aing then your changes probably have not been noticed yet...so what is the likelyhood of his changing in response to anything you've done. All this needs more time.<P>Additionally, time will serve to lessen the hurt you are feeling...and you'll be much better able to really decide what you want to do. <P>Faye

Even thru the anger and pain, I can't deny that I want my H, my marriage, my family whole. I don't want our children to have to endure any pain that can be spared them, though. For this reason, I will be consulting with a legal advisor later this week about my rights in keeping OW away from them. It will probably be a major LB to H but I have to protect our kids as much and as best I can. <P>I probably won't see or hear from H for the rest of the week at least, so I will give myself that time to really think things over. <P>Faith1, thanks for the link. I've done some reading there and bookmarked it to go back to.<P>H2Y, thank you for not holding back in your reply and for sharing all that you did. If I could find half the strength you've got.<P>Desiree, took that deep breath...several times. I'm just confused right now.<P>Faye, 6 months for A to start falling apart? Is that 6 months with or without Plan A? D-day was Nov,2000. Even though H has said twice that it wouldn't last because he doesn't trust her, I can't help but think that it's actually getting stronger.<P>Thank you all for replying and for especially for your support. It means so much to me as I feel I've talked everyone else to death about this.<P>MS

<P>we're here for you.<P> <BR>