It's been a month since I found out the truth about my H's affair with my former best friend. It happened almost 6 years ago and I was lied to by both and reassured it was only emotional. They'd even laugh if I suggested otherwise. We ended up being separated for 9 months and have been to counseling on and off since.<P>I finally know the truth. The weird part is...my H is still like best friends with the husband of his lover. They are partners, eat lunch together, exercise after work everyday, go on trips, go out on weekends etc. For me, now that I know the awful truth, it's a constant reminder. She ended up getting divorced (#2) and moving away.<P>My H says he doesn't think the friend knows the truth. I talked to the counselor about this. She said it's not my job to tell him. I know my H never will. He's afraid of the impact on their business (which he cared nothing about during the affair, they almost went under). I can't stand being around the friend right now and he keeps asking what's wrong, why I'm sad. So I tell him I can't say right now. If I was the friend, I would feel used by my H if I didn't know the truth.<P>I also feel like this friend had a responsibility to tell me if he did know. I was exposed to the threat of stds and never told. I had a bad miscarriage last year and the dr. felt that I had had pelvic inflammatory disease, which is often caused by stds, because my insides are so scarred. <BR>I know I can't control my H or who he chooses to be with, but how can I stand all the reminders?<P>Some people have said "It's in the past, get over it." But it's not, for me it's like it happened a month ago. And I almost feel guilty being sad about it because it did happen in the past so I should be stronger or something. But I loved and trusted them both very much and they destroyed my trust and my naive innocence that he meant his wedding vows. He actually has the nerve to criticize other men who have done "less" than he did. I just don't get it.<P>I do love him and I won't divorce him. But I know we'll never have the same closeness again. I just can't handle this friend thing. It's too weird for me. Any suggestions? maggierose

Hi MaggieRose-<P>Boy-are you having fun yet? I bet not!<P>My H and best friend aslo had an affair-that lasted msot of 2 years. Lucky for all involved all aprties found out-or my big mouth would have blabbed it all.<P>My feelings were this...................I didn't have the affair, I was hurt-terribly-and the OW told LIES that made my H look about 95% responsible and her only 5% (yeah, ya know, he forced her into a 2 year ordeal-right)and I have a hard time keeping my troubles-especially BIG ones-to myself. I figure anyone stupid enough to have an A can face the consequences. I had to-and I didn't do anything.<P>You are very lucky though-it is over, the OW has moved away. I can understand your frustration with the OM-but maybe if you think of it this way.............you are sparing him heartache that he just doesn't need. For him maybe you can let it go-since they are over and done with and she is long gone.<BR>If you say anything it may drag up a lot of lies that will end up hurting you-then you would have wished you had never said a thing.<P>Time will help-I promise <P>Hugs and best of luck-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Hi, maggie,<BR>I'm Winny and have been around on this site only since this March. It has definitely helped to save my marriage, and I want as many people as possible to know that Plan A truly does work. (just a short intro so you know a bit about me)<P>Hon, what's going on is that your H's friend is a 'trigger' for you. That is, he brings back a lot,if not all, of the hurt and anger you felt over your H's affair. You have to get your feelings under control here, Maggie. <P>Look at the situation for what it was, and then was it is now. The OW is gone both from her H, and has moved away. Those are TWO huge plusses. Now, try the "worst case/best case scenario" to help you get things in the proper perspective. The worst case would be that she is still married to the guy, and just plain THERE. Imagine the feelings you'd have then! She'd always be around and would certainly pose a threat to your happiness. <P>The best case scenario is what really happened, Maggie! She is GONE, and that is wonderful news. You need to concentrate on your H and your relationship with him. If you haven't read Plan A- Plan B, I urge you to do so ASAP. You will see that it is a great plan whether or not your mate has strayed. Paying attention to his emotional needs (ENs) will not only insure that you are making your relationship with him more and more solid, but it's a great way to chase those bad thoughts and memories from your mind. In time, those ugly feelings will lose their power over you. Just concentrate on what is good and on the positive things going on in your life, and you'll feel much better.<P>Good luck!<BR>Winny<P>PS<BR>I forgot to mention that I was in a similar situation with my H's EA. He met the OW through his best friend (all take martial arts classes together), and I feel uncomfortable about him now, too. However, "she" still lives in our city and aside from doing Plan A, the only other thing I can do is trust my H to do the right things. He has also broken off almost all contact with his former friend. Long story, but I am very happy he is pulling away from that man. I never liked him, anyway! W.<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited August 07, 2001).]

Hi, Maggie-<P>I understand what you are going through. My husband also had an affair with my best friend (who also happened to be my sister). The double betrayal thing is really difficult to deal with. Also, I agree that it is not your job to tell others about it, but it seems that it is an awful burden to keep it to yourself. I struggled with telling anybody, because I didn't want it to hurt other people's lives as well (our family, her husband and son, etc...). WHat I ended up doing was picking one close friend to confide in (just did that yesterday) and it helped.<P>Anyway, know that you are not alone and that my thoughts are with you.<P>Take care-<BR>AmyZ