Hi Everyone,<P>I'm feeling a little down again. Things seem to go well for me, then something else happens that just crushes me.<P>My wife spoke for the second time last night about divorce. She feels that that fact that being married is holding her back, and that when she goes for jobs being M is working against her. I really feel like she is being influenced by the OM. I want her to be able to be her own person, but I know this will break our bond.<P>I have told her I don't want to divorce, because it will break the special bond that we have. She says it's just a piece of paper and that the bond will still be there. I know in myself though that the tiny thread that bonds us will snap if we divorce, and she will become just like everyone else.<P>I really don't want to LB over this, but in a way I feel that I am LB-ing by not giving in to her requests. I'm going to speak to Steve Harley tomorrow ... I just feel I need to talk to someone.<P>The situation is different here in the UK. I can divorce my wife on grounds of adultery, but she can't divorce me. She can only apply for an annulment after 2 years of seperation. So I have to be an involved party if she wants a divorce now.<P>She asks me whether me wanting to stay married gives me a chance for us in the future, which she says won't happen. What am I supposed to reply? My reply was that I don't want to break our bond, but in reality yes I would like there to be a chance for us in the future! It's mad, before she started her counselling she didn't want a D at all!<P>I don't quite understand why my wife wants to keep her connections with me. She wants to keep things like our joint bank a/c and our investments together, and she wants to move with me into the house I am buying. I don't quite understand why. I have told her she can have whatever she wants financially, but this isn't what she wants. It all seems a little odd to me. Even the OM friends question her as to why she is buying a house in joint names with me, when she is obviously 'in love' with the OM. She has told me she can't lie with the OM, although she is reall in love with him. She says she thinks I am the only person she could live with.<P>It's wierd, even now she is bringing me lunch so I don't have to take time out of work to get my own. Sometimes she seems really caring, always cooking for me and making sure I'm always well fed. It's tough this stuff really confuses me ... why do that for me?<P>I found a whole bunch of her letters that she sent me when we were first together. It showed her faith to be so strong, and her commitment to God and myself to be forever. I just don't understand where it slipped away to. I think loosing her very close relative killed her faith in God.<P>I know that God HATES divorce, but he does permit it in cases of adultery. But I simply feel something that tells me it's not the right thing to do no matter what.<P>Something that I would like to ask for your prayers for is that I might be able to find some good friends. I've moved to a new town, so I'm kind of out on my own. Friends fom work don't live in this town, and old freinds live a long way away. Of course the OM has a big group of friends who my wife thinks are all really nice. Not compared to the bad group of friends that I made in the last town I lived in. Of course she always remonds me of my bad choice of friends in the past, and how they upset her life!<P>Sorry for the rant, but I feel like a dog chasing it's tail sometimes! I could just do with some encouragement I think!<P>Plec.

Hang in there, buddy... Your wife's requests are strange, indeed. What do you look like, a doormat to be walked on as she goes in and out of the house to see OM?????????!!! I'm just on the outside looking in, but that looks very weird to me? Obviously you are not comfortable with that either.<P>I would encourage you to hang on to your faith in God to guide you into specifically what you need to do. Plan B?? Maybe she needs a wake-up call! I don't know. I'm sure others will be on hand to give helpful advice.<P>In the meantime, feel encouraged knowing that my prayers are with you... AND agreeing that God will send you some terrific friends.

I have to agree with the previous poster. This is a perfect example of your wife wanting to have her cake and eat it too. Let me see if I get this right. She wants to live with you in your house together because she cannot live with the OM but wants to have freedom to go out and be with the OM and have sex. It sounds like she is totally selfish, into herself and amazingly disrespectful to you.<BR>I think that you need to save yourself and go to Plan B. Right now there seems to be no repercussions to her actions and she is able to continue to live the life she pleases having an adoring husband who loves her and is seemingly willing to allow her to have sex and love with the other man. Down deep she may care for you very much but shows utter disrespect for you. How can she respect you when you allow her to continue this situation and allow her to buy a house with you, live with you and meet and have sex with the OM? You need a wake up call as well as your wife. The more you are perceived as a doormat the more she will use you for her advantage. The fact that she said that she could not live with the OM but only feels comfortable living with you while having sex with the OM is great news. By making her live by herself or live with OM will push her away from him in the long run. You are in fact enabling her to continue the affair by allowing her to live with you.<BR>You need to stop this and stand up and not accept this situation. How could she respect you by you saying you do not wish a divorce, you love her but she can still live together with you and have sex with the OM. This situation will eventually destroy you mentally and will destroy your self esteem. Stop enabling her and supporting her decision to make life comfortable for her to see the OM. Wake up!

I have to agree. Pleco, your wife is a lot like mine. She just wants it all. Selfish actions like she has shown only tell you that you aren't doing the right thing. She has it all.<P>I also think you need to Plan B. She doesn't feel the pain you feel because she hasn't lost anything. You have. She thinks you still have her just because she lives in the same house as you, but you don't really have her. You know you don't. You know it when you try and kiss her, when you try and touch her. <P>It is time for her to feel that loss, as well. And to preserve what little feelings you have left for her. She has to leave. You do need friends to help you through, and I want you to know that you'll always find them here. I also moved to a new town and left my friends and family to live near my wife's family. If I lose my wife, I lose my friends as well.<P>If you want a friend, or just someone to talk to, email me... aragorn747@aol.com I am also an avid aquarist and I am sure we can find things to talk about to help you through this tough time in your life. If I remember correctly, you live in the UK, right?

Plec:<P>Whilst still in your Plan A, tell your wife that you are moving forward with joint financial endeavors (like the house) because you are planning for the <I>future</I>.<P>Realize, however, the position you will be in if you own the house jointly and she doesn't come out of the fog she is in. It is far easier to add someone to the deed/title than it is to remove them. Might want to give that some thought.<P>Also, even within Plan A, it is okay to tell her: "I feel like I am being used here." ... etc., state what you honestly feel, but use that "I" syntax. You fulfill the rule of honesty, but maintain the rule of protection and care as well.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Oops ... sticky server day on MB ...<P>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited August 07, 2001).]

Must be a government server, it does it in triplicate.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited August 07, 2001).]

My father-in-law explains having your cake and eating it too, this way: When your W is with OM, she never feels totally "clean." When she's bringing you lunch, living in the house with you and taking care of things for you, she gets to feel "clean" again. My H was doing that for 2 months. He was living in an apartment, he was seeing her, but on weekends, he was coming to our house and mowing the lawn, making minor repairs in the house and having dinners with us (the kids and me). You see, they can only take the "unclean" feelings for so long, before they need to be "cleansed". They don't KNOW that's what they are doing, but it makes perfect sense to me; what about you?<P>The only problem with what they are doing is that while they are doing it, WE feel unclean! WE end up losing our respect for ourselves and them, and our love for ourselves and for them. <P>It's up to us to break the cycle of "unclean" vs "clean" for them. <P>When I started having feelings of total disgust towards my H, even though I knew I loved him, it was time for me to Plan B. It hurt me so much every time he left our house and I knew that if I called his apartment later that night, he wouldn't answer, that I just had to let him go. My only mistake is that after 2 days of Plan B, my H called me and told me he loved me and wanted to come home. He's been home almost 5 weeks, and he is MISERABLE. I sometimes wish the A would have died a natural death (in that the fantasy world they were living would have come crashing down), instead of my H feeling like he would lose me if he didn't come home. Now I think he is having feelings of never being as happy with me as he was with her. It sucks, but I don't want him to leave again. I feel that would hurt my children too much to have a revolving door, so I am sticking it out until H gives up. I won't tolerate the A again, but I pray every day for God to lift my H out of his depression over OW, and help him to concentrate on what's important in life; his family. My prayers are with you and yours.

It is a government server with an echo, I think.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited August 07, 2001).]

Thanks everyone,<P>I think you are all pretty much right, I need to implement Plan B at some point soon. I want to be in a position though where I feel I can be settled where I am. Right now i'm not settled living in rented accomodation.<P>Myownme, you are right about the feeling clean thing, it kind of makes sense. The other thing that it feels like is that she is subconciously trying to make up for the things that she knows hurt me, but she can't do anything about.<P>I think Plan B is inevitable, but I have to be ready in my own time. I want to at least read the Harley books, which I am finding hard to get hold of here in the UK.<P>I know the OM is about to move in September away from his parents. He will be moving into a house with some other guys. I'm kind of thinking this might be a pertinent moment to time my Plan B, when his life isn't so comfortable.<P>Thanks again everyone,<P>Plec.

Thanks everyone,<P>I think you are all pretty much right, I need to implement Plan B at some point soon. I want to be in a position though where I feel I can be settled where I am. Right now i'm not settled living in rented accomodation.<P>Myownme, you are right about the feeling clean thing, it kind of makes sense. The other thing that it feels like is that she is subconciously trying to make up for the things that she knows hurt me, but she can't do anything about.<P>I think Plan B is inevitable, but I have to be ready in my own time. I want to at least read the Harley books, which I am finding hard to get hold of here in the UK.<P>I know the OM is about to move in September away from his parents. He will be moving into a house with some other guys. I'm kind of thinking this might be a pertinent moment to time my Plan B, when his life isn't so comfortable.<P>Thanks again everyone,<P>Plec.

bump