She dropped the car and house key off in the house yesterday, while I was in my office, along with her cell phone and a note.<P>In the note she left, she acknowledged the change I have made during plan A. However she tries, she can't “feel” anything on her part, and come to “realize” that our marriage is beyond repairable. She truly thinks she know where her heart belongs now.<P>This is 4 months after D-day and 3 months into plan A. She has moved out shortly after D-day and been avoiding contact with me for the past few weeks.<P>I fear this is the beginning of the end, and am prepared for the worst. But,I hate to lie down without a good fight. Is there any action I could or should take at this point?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Humper (edited August 07, 2001).]

NO! NO! NO! It is BY NO MEANS over. Shortly after my husband moved out (one week after D-day), he kept saying, I want a divorce, I want it now, I want it yesterday, I want to not ever see you again, etc. We went as far as to make a mediation appointment on a Friday in June for the following week, and then he was going to come up on Saturday so we could start pulling together our financial documents to bring with us. Well, I don't know what happened between Fri & Sat, (other than me pouring my heart and soul out to God) but Sat. he said all of sudden he didn't want to move forward with it . . . didn't know what he wanted, but wanted more time to think. Just today, my husband committed to a no contact letter to OW, coming up with a strategy for no contact at work (& enlisting his boss' help with this) as well as both individual and marriage counseling!<P>I will give you the advice that was given to me by my wise counselor (who waited 5 years while her husband decided what to do). <P>First, it's not over until that divorce finalization day when you're divorce is actually entered, and you are free to marry again by law. <P>Second, she suggested (and I wrote) a letter to him that basically outlined that I was open to reconciliation with him whenever he was ready, and would be open to this up at any point up to the very end. I also included that I realized that I had contributed to our marriage problems, and that I would be working on those problems. I ended by saying that I would be praying for him during this period of difficulty and uncertainty in both our lives.<P>Third, and this one way very important for me, NO OFFENSIVE LEGAL MOVES. Wanting to work things out, engaging in Plan A/B doesn't mean being a doormat, so by all means, get a lawyer to protect you. Just make sure the one you hire understand that you are willing to wait as long as it takes, and that you will not allow offensive moves, even when it's in your best interest. May have to hunt for awhile - many of the lawyers are very litigious by nature.<BR>I had thought of all kinds of legal things to do, short of divorce, initiating a legal separation, changing my name w/o filing for separation or divorce (I'm 24 w/ no kids), requesting a financial restraining order to prevent liquidation of our accounts). I think, if I had done any of these things, my husband and I would absolutely NOT have had the counseling session we had today . . . with new hope for reconciliation.<P>What you are facing will take massive amounts of patience and grace. If you have a relationship with God, give this over to him and trust Him to do the work. This has been THE ONLY thing that has got me to where I am. And, I will continue to need Him as we begin our recover. <P>God's grace be with you, and remeber, "t's not over until the fat lady sings." <P>Peace,<P>- WLE

Thank you so much WingsLikeEagles,<P>This is a heart warming post. I really appreciate the encouragement. And it is heartening to see your H’s willingness to reconcile.<P>I may sound too negative but my case is somewhat different than yours regarding HOW your H and my W said about divorce. I assume being divorce is a consistent theme in your H’s conversations after d-day, but very little action is taken. My W is taking the action but rarely mention divorce after d-day, only once before I got her note yesterday. And I believe that she will do what she said. She is not the bluffing type. <P>Your first point is well taken, “it aren’t over till the fat lady sings”.<P>Second point – that’s basically what I have been doing the past few months, in both words and action. I need more time to show her my change. She thinks she had figure out what she wants (I begin to fear a divorce is what she REALLY want, not fog) and not willing to wait for me any longer. She basically sniffs at my offer to wait and reconcile.<P>Third point – I never planned any legal moves. And she doesn’t seem to care about the financial aspect either. Her attitude is to get rid of any connection with me as fast as possible. Property is under her name, but it seems she is ready to give up everything just to “start a new life”. She won’t even give me the chance to BE her doormat; I don’t even know her whereabouts!!!<P>Yeah, in her note she mention that she would pray for me to find my path!!?? What kinda person has she become??!!<P>I feel really useless, leaching off the precious energy that you could put into rebuilding your marriage, instead of offering my support…<BR>

humper,<P>you're worth more than this and your marriage is worth the effort too - I'm sorry your wife doesn't see it that way. If she's making the running and not even willing to give you the time of day, then you can't stop her.<P>However, I'd suggest keep Plan Aing - when you see her that is - but protect yourself and your love for her. There's always a chance that the OM LBs bigtime and she gets to think about you and the efforts you've been putting in. Then you'll need all the strength and stores of love you have for her.<P>I truly hope you get there.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Freddy (edited August 08, 2001).]

It's not about bluffing. . I think when a WS says they want a D, they're not bluffing. It's what they really think they want at the time. However, often times the longer the process goes, the less sure they are, since most don't really know what they want anyhow!!<P>Do a search for posts by lostva, her H wanted a D, never really gave her much hope for reconciliation. . .but it happened.<P>She's confused, continue your plan A, show her the changes you've made when you can.

Humper,<P>Don't give up! As you know, we're in similar situations (except my W hasn't left). From what I've read hear, it's a long road from talking about or filing for divorce to following through with it. It appears to be an easier option for WS's than to face the problems in the marriage and their A's. But talk to a lawyer, know your rights and be sure he/she knows what you really want (to save your marriage). A good lawyer can drag things out for quite a while which may be to your benefit. Time is on your side. <P>One suggestion I have is do not agree to anything without consulting your lawyer. You can't let your feelings for your W allow you to make decisions that are not in your best interest. My W wanted me to sit down with her and work out all the details (separation of property, selling the house, custody/visitation issues) when she hasn't even filed yet. I refused. It's putting the cart before the horse. If you agree to something beforehand, and later change your mind after consulting your lawyer, it will make you look bad. Be strong and don't give up.<P>sad dad<P> <p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited August 08, 2001).]

Guys, thanx again for the wise and kind words!<P>Freddy,<BR>I am determined to continue plan Aing. However, I am struggling to find a balance between protecting my love for her and opening myself to her. Her effect to avoid me further complicated the matter. I am not sure if I should pursue to find out her whereabouts or just wait. Would it be an LB if I try to locate her? <P><BR>Bitsy,<BR>I would love to believe that the WS is confused at the time. But it doesn’t seems to be the case here. I will do some search on Lostva’s posts.<P><BR>Sad Dad,<BR>Yes, I do have to start some planning on legal matters, thank you for the suggestion. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less right now, but could it just be the “fog” on me, as you mention in your recent post. <P><BR>I spent 10 of my 26 year with this girl, and now I feel like I don’t know this person at all.<BR>

Guys, I need you opinion as to whether I should try to contact her at this moment...... if not, how long should I wait.