Hey guys... good to see all of your names again... Just got my Internet hooked up in my apartment today...<P>May I fill you all in? I hate to come back and be needy, but I'm suffering some setbacks.<P>This was my last real post. Check it out if you've got a sec:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011206.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011206.html</A> <P>Basically the gist of it is that we had a few days last week where W indicated that she didn't know what she wanted, for sure, and that there were perhaps possibilities for us. I put no pressure on her, just continued to Plan A and take care of both of them. Tuesday night, SD leaves to go to her dad's and W is leaving to go out of town with OM for vacation. She won't tell me where she's going, and I am avoiding the subject as it is LB-prone. She says she'll think about things while she's one her trip, says I'm "wonderful," gives me a little kiss on the cheek goodbye.<P>I move into my new apartment on Wednesday. It's great! I really like it. But I wish I was at home with W and SD. The rest of the week is good... I get lots of stuff moved, and over the weekend, I do a few extra things that my W will notice when she returns. Keep in mind that I have really been going out of my way for her lately, borrowing $$$ to help out, doing things at the house, etc. I know she's coming back Sunday.<P>I made the mistake of waiting for her to call me. She doesn't. What did you say about "expectation", Faith?<P>No thank yous, no I'm home, nothing... Oh god... the OM really put a lock on her on the trip... I'm really down...<P>Very little contact on Monday. As soon as she gets home from work (I was there to relieve the babysitter; she got home a few hours later), she and daughter and daughter's friend leave to go see a movie. Hey - I'm a babysitter! At least that's what it feels like.<P>We talked briefly today. Tonight, she came home a little later than normal and spent a few minutes in our driveway... on phone with OM no doubt. I had made dinner for her.<P>We got to talk a little: she said she was going through tough personal stuff today. I said I'd be a non-judgmental, non-expectation-having listener. She said she didn't know how I tolerated her. I said that I was married to her and that I cared about her. I said I was going to let her make her own choices and decisions, no pressure from me.<P>She brought up the old resentment she feels towards the ending of her first marriage and how she can't seem to get past that. It still makes her sad, even though to this day, her XH still disrespects her. I tell her that I'm sorry for my role in that but that our marriage was and is separate from that issue. I tell her how I've been trying to change myself and she says there's nothing wrong with me. I mention the Plan A letter that I wrote to her...uh oh... she must feel that I am expecting her to comment on it (which I'm not) and she says she has to tell me that she does not want to end it with OM. (In the letter, I said that A with OM was hurting me and only way for us to work on our relationship was for her to end it.) She repeats that she will not end it with OM. She asks if that makes me angry, I say no, I just don't know how that makes me feel. I ask why can't she end it, she says she does not know how to answer that. I ask something else (can't remember what) and she says she thinks she's in love with him. I say, well, is that the same thing as "real" love? She says she doesn't know. I ask if she at one time felt the same way about me as she now does about OM? She says she doesn't know. I say, ok, well at time, were you "in love" with me? She says "I thought I was..." I say, well, do you think that being "in love" is the same as really loving someone, is love a feeling or a verb? She says she doesn't know and I sense that I'm losing her so I say, ok, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but all I know is that if you are truly serious about working on yourself, you've got to do it without me, and without OM as well. I'm trying to give you that space... She says she doesn't understand why there's me, who takes care of her so well, but she's in love with someone else who doesn't take care of her... says she doesn't know why she doesn't love me...<P>We drop it all, I say look, I'm here to talk to you, no strings attached, anytime you want. I make sure she and SD are tucked in, and I'm outta there.<P>Steve sez feeling like a doormat and an enabler are good signs. But damn, y'all, this is killing me. Steve wants me to ask her if she'll talk to him. She has a new therapist and I know this idea will get shot down.<P>God, OM is such scum... What am I doing? She is just stringing me along... One of my girl friends says I should give it up... from a female perspective, she says I'm being completely unattractive and pathetic. She says I deserve someone so much better.<P>Why am I doing this, again? Have I crossed some kind of line? Is it time for Plan B? I feel like a fool... I've forgotten all of my MB stuff... Oh yeah, tomorrow we're formally singing sep agreement. GREAT.<P>Missed you guys,<BR>zen

Hi, zen! Welcome back! Glad you are doing well, and you like your apt., sorry you're down. <P>Here's 2 quick posts for you to read to get you back into the MB "feel". Here's a link: a touching story by debbie, a WS, and how she came back to her H.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011228.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011228.html</A> <P>Then, scroll down just a tad on GQII from tonight, and look for hbh's post about the Inspiring Link.<P>2 quick "assignments" for you to remind you why you're doing this.<P>plus, you're doing it cause I'm still doing it. ok?<P>My H seems to be coming out of the fog a little. He's not ignoring me anymore, we are talking more now, and laughing on the phone. He's been over twice to work on our project (taxes) and I have done a perfect Plan A! He's coming again tomorrow. <P>Plan A works, you just need to get back on track. Especially if the OM is LB'ing. That's VERY good for you!!! You just need more time. You know where things are now - with her OM, and her feelings for you. i'm glad you dropped the subject when you did. Don't bring it up again for a while. She's not "stringing you along" - well, she is - but we call it fog . technicality, really . <P>Welcome back, I'm sure you'll get some more advice. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

zen:<P>Good to see you back!<P>From what you describe, your wife is teetering on the brink. It was at this point (pre-MB), that when my exW did not give up the OM, I shut the door on that chapter of my life.<P>Would it have been different with a good Plan A, etc.? I don't know. I felt like a candle that had just been snuffed out. I could actually <I>feel</I> the love bank emptying out.<P>Your story doesn't have to mimic that. You know MB, what Plan A is (and Plan B, if necessary) ... so there is hope. As for a separation agreement ... that is not a final thing. It isn't over (to paraphrase) until the fat judge signs.<P>Hang in there. One never knows what single event or combination of events will drive the fog out. One day at a time, one step at a time.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks Faith and STL... I just seem to have relapsed into pre-MB thinking... Sometimes I just think that Plan B would be better for ME. But I know it really wouldn't. I would go crazy wondering what more I could have done.<P>Thanks again,<BR>zen