I usually post in divorced/divorcing, so I'll give the background here before I ask the question- which, of course, I've asked in the subject line, so you all know what's coming.<P>Married 8 years. Two kids- 6 and 3. I'm 38, my wife is 41. In March, she told me she wanted to separate- we did counselling (still are) and Retrouvaille, but I couldn't convince her that we could stay together and make the marriage work. She says she has no love left for me- she cares about me, wants to see me happy, respects me, thinks I'm a great father and good husband, and handsome to boot, but somehow, that doesn't all add up to "love." She says about a year earlier, she "woke up" and discovered she hadn't been herself for years, and she now feels "no connection, no passion" for me.<P>Her actions say divorce, not separation; she's bought another house, and moved out last weekend. She had informally consulted a friend who is a family law attorney. She says she wants independence, that she can't be herself with me.<P>Here's what I think has really happened: she hit 40, and like a lot of us, isn't who she thought she'd be at 40 when she was 28. Two weeks later, an "old friend" (male) who she hadn't seen in 12 years looked her up, and reminded her of how different her life had been then, and their friendship, all though last year, grew. She had no boundaries with him- I have female friends, but I limit myself how close I'll get to any of them. She put no such limits on their freindship. <P>It's an emotional affair, not physical, and may be one-sided: my one best clue that this is going on is that she hid a meeting with him, and I know she hid it because he called up and said he wasn't going to be able to meet her that night. He's not the type to play it so cool, so I suspect he doesn't really know, or is denying, how attached she is to him.<P>So, I have the unmistakable feeling my wife is having a mid-life crisis, which includes this infatuation, and she is clearing the decks, moving out and getting ready to divorce me, so she'll be legally free to pursue this guy (who, by the way, has three kids by two exes living 100s of miles apart). <P>Now, I've read a lot about discovering infidelity, letting affairs run their course, and recovering from it- but I can't quite apply what I've read, because they all assume the infidelity gets uncovered and then the WS moves out, but that the marriage isn't broken up at that time. The affair collapses, and the WS reassesses things. My wife is already out of the house; we will likely be divorced by the end of the year. Her affair is not yet physical, so she doesn't think of it as cheating. If she's able to turn it physical, she won't have the guilt of adultery hanging over her, since she'll have split from me before getting horizontal. That seems to me to mean it will take a lot longer for the fog to lift.<P>So, should I tell her what I know? Bring up my suspicions? Put my cards on the table? Or sit back and wait it out? I've always said to her and to all that I want the marriage to continue. I think her plans to divorce are the product of fog and depression, and if they would lift, she'd see a better chance at life with me. Would telling her what I suspect help lift the fog, or just drive her farther away?<P><BR>
