This is a what do you think question. <P>Backround:<BR> My H is the WS. He had the A with a coworker. He, she and I worked for my family?s business. My father is CEO, my brother is Sales Manager, my H was Service Manager, she was his secretary, and I am Controller. In addition, my father?s brother & sister work here along with a few of their kids. My H?s father worked for the company for 30 yrs until he retired last year. We employ about 160 people total. What a cozy circle? <P>Well I fired her, and two months later, my father fired my H. This was brought to a head by a public display of my anger after finding an ongoing email between him and her. <P>The situation between my H, father and brother has been deteriorating for at least the last 5 years. I believe that my father was just waiting for the most opportune moment he could find to let my h go and the A provided him with what he considered the best time as to not effect my relationship with him.<P>My H has now been unemployed for 5 ½ months and we are working on rebuilding our marriage. He has had no contact and is truly participating in reconciling with me.<P>That about brings us current and up to the hard question.<P>My h wants to get together with my parents, my brother and sil and his parents and have a sit down discussion about the working situation and my parent's involvement (my dad got my mother involved in the decision to terminate him and they are divorced), the fact of the rumors, the relationship between My h and my dad and brother and some things that caused the current state. The fact that work got to him and his lack of advancement made him bitter and angry and how that contributed to his affair. <P>I am concerned to do this. I think that it will only intensify the anger he is feeling and further strain the relationship with my family. Family businesses are so touchy and this one has way too much family. Not only that but I still work with them daily. <P>The current state of my relationship with my family is strained. I used to be very close to my mother and in fact she was there for me when all this blew up and came and took care of the kids while I went investigating and she knew the about the fact that he didn't come home the day before my bday and also knew about the email I found 10 days later. It was that email that did his employment in. What I didn't know is that she was in communication with my dad. If I had known that I wouldn't have confided in her and she wouldn't have known what she did. My relationship with my dad has been strained for several years due to the work situation.<P>I think I know how my parents will react to having this meeting with all the parties present; they won?t want to do it. They would like to get me alone with out my h and sit down just the 3 of us. This way I will be ?reasonable?. I will not do that because it makes me feel ganged up on. The idea of a family consular might be workable but I would imagine some of the parties will be resentful and may not participate.<P>I am worried that my parents will defend each other's actions and take no responsibility for their participation in the current problems. I am not saying that they are to blame for My h's A because they are not but they don't seem to recognize that they are partly responsible for the way that I feel right now. <P>I never expected my mother not to support me and support my dad. She told me that if my h hurt me again that I was on my own. I told a good friend of mine and she told me that I would never be alone that she would be there for me. Thank God for friends.<P>If they take no responsibility for the deteriation of the relationship between them and my h and if my brother takes their lead it will only compound my h's anger and frustration. I also think that my h thinks that they can iron out their difficulties and he will get his job back. I don't see that happening ever. I think a snowball has a better chance in h....<P>I don't think that it will ever be resolved to my h's satisfaction. I don't think that even if they went with every suggestion / solution that he presented that he would be satisfied. They are also not open to accurately hear what he is saying. They have put him into a predefined image cast in stone. <P>I would like to think that a sit down meeting could possibly lessen the pain / anger that he is harboring towards them and the situation. If it would do that it would be helpful for both him and I, but I have serious doubts that even that would be the outcome.<P>Then I am going to be placed in a difficult situation again. In the middle between family and Husband where I have been for way too long. This is what was his number one problem and what allowed him to justify his a. I didn't care, I didn't stick up for him, I didn't believe in him and I didn't support him when it came to my family and work. I feel like I am in the proverbial rock and the hard place.<P>All I know right now is that it is a Major LB for My h when he doesn't view me as standing with him when it comes to my family and his employment and the family business. I also know that if he was employed in a good job that it would be better for our marriage that he isn't working here. It has brought way too many issues to our marriage. But having him unemployed is just as bad.<P>I have been thinking about talking to my h about what he expects to achieve out of this gathering. What is his desired outcome and how he would be able to keep his anger in control with out alienating the family? I know that if he gets angry and starts to raise his voice that it will only validate my parents in their current view. I really don't expect a good outcome from this and I don't know how he will handle it if it turns out the way that I expect.<P>So do I agree to have this sit down or do I continue to bide my time and hope things settle down and hope that my h gets a good job. What I would really like him to do is to go into business for himself. I think that he would be really good at it and he is a wheeler and a dealer. He really likes to negotiate.<BR>

Hi Zzz,<P>This is a toughie. Working with family is hard even in the best of situations. What your H has to realize is that your family are people and now he is feeling the repercussions of his former actions. Does he have to live with this? Yes, so do you. <P>Now what? Well depending on 'all' involved healing will take time. For some sooner than others but due to different attitudes, characters and feelings it will vary. Remember what your H did he did to you but your family in their way are protecting themselves and may feel that they are protecting you. <P>How about this? Have your H write a letter to your family. This will allow him time to compose himself. Anger on paper is a lot easier to control than in person. It will also allow the receiving parties to read it and cool down. <P>His letter must be sincere. Well thought out. Don't want to say anything he will regret and be truthful. Acknowlegement may be key here along with sincere apology. Part of it may be that your family wants him to acknowledge that he hurt you and them and how sorry he is about it. Then they may want to know how he intends to make it up to you and them. They may not want as much as your H thinks. <P>Your family is probably aware that if you and your H are back together that him not working or them keeping him from working is not beneficial to you. So him finding another job even if less than before may be the better way. <P>Your H should realize that this will not blow over easily. Healing is going to take time for all not just H. <P>Please take care of yourself. I understand your predicament. You are doing good and you can always come here and vent. <P>L.<BR>

Busy night tonitght, sending this up to the top for more support. <P>L.

Zzz,<P>I like the idea of writing H thoughts down on paper, you could even review them and give your opinion, I'm not in reconciliation yet but I know that POJA will come into play here. I don't think I would want my spouse back in the gossip circle, if thats what it is. I would tend to think I might also start looking for another job, its only a suggestion. I have owned my own business for a little over a year, it can be very time consuming, but also very rewarding, again POJA. Try to stay open and honest w/ H on this, try to use "I feel" statements.<BR>Hope some of this helps,<BR>knight?