I don't know what the heck I am doing.<BR>Being the OW now when I'm married to the man. That's rediculous...completely. I don't like it.<BR>I won't be a secret....but if I tell...then he will say I did it to get back at him...not the case at all.<BR>I'm not sure why he had sex with me 3 times in 24 hours after he told me repeatedly that he wants a divorce. He can't really say either....only that it hasn't changed his feelings....that he's having fun.....that he might wake up one morning and it will smack him in the face.....he doesn't know if he could ever be faithful to anyone.<BR>I can't do this....it's not fair to me.....my heart....or my children. It's not fair to my WH either.<BR>I don't see how she does it....the OW. I feel used...by my own husband....but I can't help but still love him. I could have said no.<BR>He couldn't look me in the eye when he said his feelings haven't changed at all....not sure if it's the truth or not....it probably is.<BR>I feel like I'm pretty much telling him that what he is doing is ok.....but it's not.<BR>It hurts so much to do this and have to let go of him all over again.....and to know that when he leaves from meeting with me that he goes to her house...with her and her kids....and I go home alone...to OUR house and OUR daughters.....but I'm doing this to myself. I want to do this in a way because I love him.....he apparently wants to...but for what reason?<P>I'm to the point today where I think there has to be an ultimatum made......either her or me....I cannot continue to do this without letting my feelings get in the way....he knows this....he knows that what we are doing gives me more hope that we will one day get back together...we discussed it last night.<BR>Funny thing....all this talk about us....the divorce or the list hasn't come up once. It always seems to when I start talking about us....but it's not coming up lately. <BR>He doesn't know what he's doing....I don't know what I'm doing....but I know I have to do something before my heart is completely broken.<BR>He doesn't seem to mind what he's doing....he seems genuinely concerned about me though when I get upset over leaving him when we have been together. He says it's wierd being with me....but it's not uncomfortable at all. He says it's weird being with her after he's been with me and he's a little uncomfortable with her then.<BR>Not sure what to make of it.<P>I just know that I truly don't know what I'm doing now.

This is one of two scenerio's<BR>1. Sleeping with him is meeting his needs and then a form of Plan A.<BR>2. He is having his cake and eating it too, and then joking about it by saying, "I am just having fun", "Maybe I will dump both of you". <BR>Plan A is not about losing your self-respect and obviously by your posts, for YOU this is wrong and leaves you feeling worse than better. WH is getting both worlds kept in fantasy for him, basically he is being enabled to do what ever he wants, at everyone's expense. As far as the calls of concern for your welfare, are they REALLY calls for your concern or for his OWN, meaning, is he afraid you will get upset and let the cat out of the bag to OW?

Of course your H is happy. He obviously likes sex, and you're both giving it to him. Do you know about Plan B? To save your heart further grief, I recommend Plan B. Write him the letter telling him how much you love him right now, today, but that you can no longer give him your heart when he is sharing his with someone else. Tell him to go figure out what he wants. Tell him when he knows, you'll be there to listen. Just my 2 cents worth.<P>

MP, <P>I am in the same situation that you are in - until last friday I was under the impression that sex in the A was still pretty shaky (H admitted to performance trouble at first)but I found out about a gift from the OW - a 'joke' statue with the caption "sex relieves tension".<P>Thinking of the incredible lively sex life H & I have had over the past month - many times - better then before the A - although I felt the same pain you described over and over when we separated, I exploded - major LB - major step back for us both.<P>I think tearing yourself up like this will leave you so vulnerable that you will be prone to the same thing.<P>I that light plan B sounds good. I am going to try plan Aing for a while longer so that I can move into plan B with some good time under our belt again - not the blowup of last week.<P>Whether or not I can stay out of his bed, I'm not sure. It feels so good to be needed by him - in anyway at this point.<P>It makes sense for us on the BS side of the fence to want to continue a physical relationship with our WS - we know what we want - them! Why exactly they continue it I'm not sure. I don't know if it is simple as enjoying sex and getting lots of it. Part of me thinks that this may be a less complicated relationship for the WS, that they may be able to see this part of the relationship more clearly?<P>Feeling like the OW is no spot to be in, but at least it is something he is sharing with you and not with her. Some knowledge between you and him only - and in a way you are showing your love for him and respect for his feelings by keeping it to yourself and not getting him in trouble with her.<P>In the inside out world that we live in during this time - maybe we can accept even these litte, somewhat perverted, blessings?<P>I will keep watching this post to see what the more experienced people have to offer! <BR>In the mean time - I send you all the strength I can.<BR>

Miss Priss:<P>I'm so sorry you are going through all this turmoil. I don't know what to tell you, since I'm in the middle of a big mess myself. I don't feel I can offer you any sound advice. <P>I can sympathies with you and how you are feeling. My WH used to call and come over, after he left. This was within the first month and a half. I didn't know about the OW at the time, I didn't know this was the reason he left. I had NO clue, it was a total surprise when I ran into them and found out. Afterwards, I wondered how he could have come over here, had me fix him dinner and have the nerve to even look me in the face knowing what he was doing. This still bothers me, every time I saw him, he had this smirk on his face...what was that about? After I found out about OW...I thought the smirk was a slap in the face...like ha ha, you don't know what I'm up to. Another odd thing was, when he came over, he wouldn't even kiss me on the lips. H would turn his head if I tried or he would kiss me on the cheek or forehead. I never got an answer when I asked him why he was doing this. Later someone told me that he did this so he wouldn't be cheating on OW...imagine that. Who knows what WHs are thinking...really? We try to figure it out, but it also depends on the individual.<P>I know it's so confusing and our emotions go crazy. The "cakemen". Does it make them feel good...to have 2 women wanting them? Does this make them feel important? Is it that they get emotional needs from both women to fill their void? No it is not fair. <P>I do know that you have to look out for yourself and your children. I know I have a hard time with looking out for ME. I think as women and mothers we have a tendency to want to take care of our H. We worry because we love them and care. We want what we think and know is best. The truth is they are going to do whatever they feel they want to do, and we have no control over that, only ourselves and our actions. I remember, early on, I got to a point where I was so overwhelmed and confused I just couldn't deal with H. For a couple of days he called, I didn't answer the calls. The next day he called 16 times and even had someone else call, but I didn't answer. Next thing I knew he was on my doorstep beating on the door, I know he was worried about me, although he displayed anger. Seems like he didn't like it not knowing what was happening with me, guess he felt like I had been feeling, wondering what I was doing.<P>"but I'm doing this to myself"<P>I know this feeling. It's hard, but you can stop doing it if this makes you feel bad, it's your gut feeling trying to tell you something IMO. Sometimes we have to look beyond our emotions...and do the right thing. <P><B>I'm to the point today where I think there has to be an ultimatum made......either her or me....I cannot continue to do this without letting my feelings get in the way....he knows this....</B><P>Sounds like you are just torturing yourself, I do this myself. Maybe you should go to Plan B. What if you let him wonder for a change? Do things for YOU to make you feel better about yourself. He will see the change. <P>"he knows this" yes, he probably knows what your reactions will be and how to MANipulate. What would happened if you are more confident about yourself? What would happen if he didn't know, if he had to wonder what's up with you? Maybe this is the jolt he needs. What if you stopped asking him questions and gave him some breathing room to figure it out himself? Does he think you are chasing him and this means he can do his thing...because you'll still be there? What if he saw self-confident positive changes in you and thought he might lose you? These are just some of the questions I wonder. <P>Sorry I couldn't be more help. Take care.<BR> <BR>