Hi, Guys--<P>I am just feeling really, really bad. I still cannot eat or sleep--can barely move. I am so depressed and hopeles right now. My husband is being extremely supportive and caring, but I can barely get through the hours. I feel terrible physically. I have an MD appointment this afternoon.<P>Please, can somebidy tell me this gets better? We have been to counseling, both together and individually, and have even talked to my sister.<P>I am really in need of a life line...<P>THANKS

Hi amyz,<P>I feel sorry for you, I know exactly what you are going through. But you should know there are some wonderful people here who will be able to help you through this. Sometimes just getting off you chest what you are feeling can be a great relief. It feels even better when someone can empathise with your situation too.<P>I don't know what your situation is, but i'm guessing that you are the BS. It's a really positive move that your husband is going to counselling to you. It shows that he is putting in some effort for his relationship with you.<P>I'll pray for you right now. It's the most effcive thing I can do for you right now.<P>Take care,<P>Plec.

Hang in there, Amyz. It can get better and with a little help, it will. I don't know how far you are from D-day, but I can assure you that the feelings will fade. When I first found out about my H's A, I was so devastated and constantly had images of him with her doing everything--I was tormented. Like you, my husband was very contrite and did everything to help me that he or I could think of, but the horrid reality of the A was just too fresh. It certainly wasn't a quick or smooth release from those feelings or images, but gradually they have receded in the face of the love and concern my H shows me every day. Now I return to those horrible feelings only intermittantly, and almost always because something else is weighing on me. (For instance, if I've had some experience that makes me feel insecure, H-related or otherwise. Or if I'm very tired, or have low blood sugar.)<P>I want to urge you to continue in counseling, even though we've had very little, and what we had wasn't especially helpful. If you are suffering from clinical depression, you may need outside help. I have had depression off and on for years, and take anti-depressants. They didn't stop me from crying and screaming alternately for days on end when the world exploded on me, but I realize now that they are helping me to turn my focus from the A to the reality of the present--namely, that my H is chastened, in love with me, and that our marriage is stronger and more intimate than it was. Maybe more than ever before.<P>Pray, and I will pray for you, eat as best as you can, be kind and say gentle things to yourself, spend as much time with your husband as you can, get some sleep and rest, and trust that this too shall pass.<P>Love, SBH

(((Amyz))) Big hugs to you. It does get more tolerable with time. You need time. I wished that I could be in a coma and wake up and have it all go away. My H is back home after being gone 4 months. He's been home for 5 weeks and now he's more withdrawn and depressed than ever (he misses her, doesn't know if he loves me, etc). If your H is truly remorseful and wanting to work on it with you, your healing will come. Here's something I found that someone else had written a while back. It's long, but so worth reading. Pray for strength. Pray for God to give you the ability to forgive (we never forget, but forgiving is for you, not your H).<P>Forgiveness<P>Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and accepting what has happened, because it will not change. <BR>Forgiveness is dismissing the blame. Choices were made that caused the hurt; we each could have chosen differently, but we didn't.<BR>Forgiveness is looking at the pain, learning the lessons it has produced, and understanding<BR>what we have learned.<BR>Forgiveness allows us to move on towards a better understanding of universal love and our true purpose.<BR>Forgiveness is knowing that love is the answer to all questions, and that we all are in some way connected.<BR>Forgiveness is starting over with the knowledge that we have gained.<BR>I forgive you, and I forgive myself. I hope you can do the same.<P>Poem by Judith Mammay <P>It's where it starts, with forgiveness and this is a CHOICE that is done for YOU principally. Be selfish, forgive for YOU so YOU can move on. Let go of the idea that it is to make the other person feel "better". It's all about you. <P>Accept what has happened.<BR>Yes a terrible thing has happened - your worst fears perhaps have come true but hey you're are alive and breathing, it hurts like Hell but you are still here! Understand WHY it happened. Listen to the reasons given. They may not feel 'adequate" to you. YOU would not have, YOU didn't...it doesn't matter, you have to accept that the "reasons" are valid to the other person.<P>Dismiss the blame. <BR>Let go of the thoughts of "If you loved me enough you wouldn't have...etc " Let go of "But look at all I did for you !" The truth is something was missing for your spouse to look for it outside the marriage...terrible choice, terrible mistake but a human one. Believe me you will not get anywhere until you take responsibility for your own part in helping to make the relationship vulnerable to an affair. Let go of the blame...It seems like the other person is MORE to blame that he/she will never feel AS MUCH pain as you and this feels unfair. Let it go, it will not help the relationship to heal when you start comparing blame and pain. <P>Learn the lessons of the pain this has brought.<BR>Learn about yourself - seek counseling !!! It's imperitive that you do. We are not qualified to understand ourselves, we are WAY too complex. This is an opportunity, at the very least for your own personal growth. That is what they mean when they say "It makes you a stronger person". Understand where you as a couple failed. Learn the lessons! Be a team, love like you are on the same team. There is no room for opponents, no winners and losers...you share a goal so LOVE like you are on the same team! <P>Start over.<BR>Let go of what you had, you will never have it again - it's gone. Turn the page now and start working on NOW, not the future but right NOW. It's pointless to mourn the past. Pointless to say "We could have had the whole fairytale, happy ever after thing." ( hey, it's a MYTH! ) Your goal is to 'rebuild", brick by brick - those old bricks don't belong anymore. Its easy to mourn the past but it will not serve you - will not help you NOW. Let go of the pain. Don't allow it to immobilise you. You are stronger than IT. It doesn't have to have the power that YOU give it. It is your fear speaking.<P>Understand your fear.<BR>Don't be afraid of opening up your heart, sure there is a risk there of doing that - you COULD get hurt again that is a fact but don't live like that is a SURE thing, if you do I promise you you WILL be hurt again. Remember, you are on the same TEAM. <P>This may have been the worst thing that has ever happened to you - feels like it, but it CAN be something that brings about GOOD changes, in you, in your spouse and in your marriage.<BR>Open your eyes to that possibility, it's hard I know...I KNOW. <P>Lastly, have faith in yourself. Trust YOURSELF.<BR>That is what trust is about...trusting that you CAN cope with whatever comes along. You cannot control another persons actions or decisions but you CAN control what you can deal with. How little or how much you feel you can trust your partner really has everything to do with how much you feel you can cope with. If you are fragile and insecure and don't have faith in yourself you will not be able to "trust". The more you believe in yourself and your strengths the more you will be able to trust that you WILL survive no matter WHAT happens.<P>

BUMP

amyz----I did a post to you late last week in regards to the "how did you meet" post that you had done. Are you still in the Chicago area? If so, both Aries55 and I are in the western suburbs. We have become very good friends through MB and it has truly been my lifeline. Please let me know if you would be interested in contact outside this board.<P>There are many people here who love and care about you and want to be there for you......

Amyz,<P>time is a great healer - give yourself plenty of space. You have to eat. You have to sleep. You have to keep your strength. You are too vital to us all to slip. <P>A problem shared is a problem halved - and venting can help. Let it out. Dump the poison. There are some wonderful people here who'll listen.<P>take care of yourself amyz

It does get better, keep strong and don't quit is this is what you want. Plan A your butt off, if your H is supportive, accept his support and use the love you have for him as your foundation.<P>Don't give up! It does get better w/ time and work.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com