My youngest daughter's birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I have a conflict that I wanted everyone's views on.<P>My wife's homosexual non-affair(sorry for borrowing that term, Dave)may or may not be over. She is the one who informed me of it last October, but has been denying it ever since we separated in March. Although things have been getting noticibily better lately and she does call me every day just to talk, I know she still sees this OW because she works for her. They also play softball together on the same team in a local women's league. The only thing is that whatever she tells me she is doing, she never ever mentions that this OW is doing it with her. She always makes it sound like she is going alone. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. I have gotten into the habit of not asking. <P>Ever since I broke the news of her non-affair to my daughters and in-laws about three months ago, I get the feeling that my wife has tried to do damage control. She has tried to explain to all that she and the OW are just best friends. But for the most part people aren't buying it. Except for my youngest daughter. She has known and loved this OW for her entire life. This person has been at every one of her birthday parties. Which brings me to my dilemma. My daughter told me yesterday that she wanted to invite this OW to her birthday. Although she stated that since I probably would not come if that would happen, she would understand and would not invite this OW. How can I handle this?<P>Incidently, my oldest daughter has a better understanding of what is going on and wants no part of the OW. She told her sister that she won't go to any party that includes this OW.

AH:<P>Within the scope of Plan A, inform your wife that any party should not include the OW. Bring it up in a way (using "I" statements) that reflects your feelings, and the feelings of the children, but that is not confrontational.<P>The party is about your child (yours and and your wife's), and the OW has no part in that.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

STL-<P>Thanks for responding.<P>Handling it with my wife is only part of the problem. I think I can do that within the scope of Plan A. Although I'm not quite sure if I should bring it up when we start discussing the party plans in the next few days, or let her bring it up.<P>On the other hand, I am very worried on how to handle my youngest daughter. As I said, my wife has tried to do damage control with this OP on how everyone perceives her and the only person that this has worked on with some success is our daughter. I hate the fact that my wife has done this and that she wants to try and continue bringing this OW in my family's lives. But there is only so much one can do while in Plan A.<P>Like I stated, there is no easy answer on this one...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited August 08, 2001).]

I'm bumping this one back to the top again just to see if I can get any more replies. With all the problems they seem to be having lately with the website, it may have got lost.<P>Thanks for any of your views...

AH:<P>By all means, bring it up. She may avoid doing so, and then your internal (and real) dilemma will not be addressed prior to the party.<P>Honesty can be done (and should be done) within the realm of the rules of protection and care. Tell her "I feel ..." and "I think ..." Then see where the discussion goes.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL