A couple of years ago, after a particularly rough time in our relationship I began to suspect my H was having an A. I had no proof, just his behavior toward me and a gut feeling. I even felt I knew who the OW was. Then I received an anonymous phone call telling me about an A he was having with a W in his office. I knew she had had previous A with one other M in the office and rumors of even others, so I knew it was possible. The caller gave me lots of details but no proof. I was physically sick after hanging up and so upset I knew I had to gather my wits before I confronted my H. I waited 4 days until I felt more in control and confronted him. He immediately denied everything and blamed the call on a guy in the office who doesn't like him, said he just did that to cause him trouble. He got very defensive and mad at me for not telling him about the call right away. His behavior and reaction only intensified my suspicion that he was or had indeed had an A with this W. He refuses to talk about this at all after that initial conversation and gets very angry at me if I refer to it or bring it up in any way. He is also VERY defensive about any implication that he might have had an A and gets very angry. I continue to hear rumors about it and have had some close friends come to me with things they have heard about this alleged A, so I continue to believe it really did happen. It allegedly lasted about 2 years, and fits the time frame of when I felt we were having a terrible time in our M. Before this happened I completely and totally trusted my H, I never, ever would have thought he would have done this to me. His first W did this same thing to him and he was so hurt and always told me early in our marriage that he'd never do that to me. We've been married for 16 years and have 2 children. He hasn't made that statement to me in several years though, and is obviously uncomfortable when the discussion of infidelity comes up, whether it's with friends or just on the news (Clinton, Condit, etc..). I KNOW in my heart that he was unfaithful to me and it is killing me. I feel that we could deal with it and I probably could forgive him if he would just admit it and agree to work through it. I feel he doesn't want out of our marriage but doesn't want to face what he's done. He has become a very angry and hard to live with person since this alleged A started and I feel this is a result of his own guilt. I don't trust him any more and can't help but be suspicious of everything he does. He still sees this OW every day at work and mentions her to me occassionally. It's like a knife in my heart every time I hear her name. She and her H got a divorce a few months after my phone call and the word is that is was because of an A she was having with someone at work. My H didn't even tell me about their D, I found out from someone else about 6 months after it happened. They have a small office and normally he tells me things like that that go on with the people who work there. There were lots of signs that he was having an A, but I was too blind at the time to notice them. But looking back I can see them all and feel so stupid. But still I have NO PROOF, nothing to confront him with that he can't deny. What can I do to deal with this? Or how can I get him to confess? I'm really at my wits end.

SO:<P>First of all, you are in the right place. Read the material here (the Concepts link at the top of the page). Get <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I> by Dr. Harley.<P>If he will, see if your husband will read the material with you jointly.<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders ... we all regret the circumstance of meeting this way, but are glad you found us.<P>This forum is here for you and your husband (if he wishes to participate). A place to vent, to heal, to learn.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks, STL. I've read a lot of the material on this site already and also from other sites. I would love it if my H would participate in reading ANY material together, but that's something I didn't mention. I've tried for going on 5 years now to get him to see a marriage counselor, attend a marriage conference/workshop or even read a book on the subject with me. I've bought countless books, tapes, etc. and read them all myself, but he absolutely refuses to participate in any of it. He says our marriage is fine and I'm the one with a problem. He gets very offended and angry if I suggest that he isn't interested in making our M better or than I have a need he isn't meeting. He definitely has some problems, but totally refuses to acknowledge them or deal with them. And of course, I have many needs not getting met in the relationship, but he says this is what and who he is and he isn't going to change and if he's not meeting my needs it's my problem not his. I feel like he does love me but totally do not understand how he can be so uncaring about my feelings.

You do need to know. I begged my H for the truth for a long time and got it SIX YEARS after his affair with my best friend. I just found out a month ago and it feels like it just happened. I can't sleep and have no appetite even though I'm on medication.<P>I pray that he will go to counseling with you. If not, go alone. It does help a lot. Also, there is a very good article from Psychology Today online called "Shattered Vows." It talks about the importance of the spouse finding out the truth. I loved it and thought, finally somebody agrees with me. Prayer helps a lot too.<P>Don't give up. In my case, I pretty much knew he had lied (found proof) but had to wait another 9 months for the counselor to get to it. Almost had a nervous breakdown waiting. Good luck, take care of yourself.<P>If you are right, and spouses almost always are, then if he wants a marriage, he has to get another job. Or help her find another one. My H actually found her another job which paid more than he was making just to get her out of his office. Part of me is thankful and the other part says it's because he was so in love he couldn't stand seeing her and not having her anymore.<P>I will pray for you. My heart aches for you.

You do need to know. I begged my H for the truth for a long time and got it SIX YEARS after his affair with my best friend. I just found out a month ago and it feels like it just happened. I can't sleep and have no appetite even though I'm on medication.<P>I pray that he will go to counseling with you. If not, go alone. It does help a lot. Also, there is a very good article from Psychology Today online called "Shattered Vows." It talks about the importance of the spouse finding out the truth. I loved it and thought, finally somebody agrees with me. Prayer helps a lot too.<P>Don't give up. In my case, I pretty much knew he had lied (found proof) but had to wait another 9 months for the counselor to get to it. Almost had a nervous breakdown waiting. Good luck, take care of yourself.<P>If you are right, and spouses almost always are, then if he wants a marriage, he has to get another job. Or help her find another one. My H actually found her another job which paid more than he was making just to get her out of his office. Part of me is thankful and the other part says it's because he was so in love he couldn't stand seeing her and not having her anymore.<P>I will pray for you. My heart aches for you.