Last week (Tuesday) I sent "no contact" letter from my H to OW, via certified mail/return receipt requested. OW saw MY return address at work on the receipt and refused the letter. She called my H and my H supposedly told her what the letter said. I just received the letter back at work today. People, I feel CHEATED that she did not get the letter. I called my H and told him I got it back and asked what I should do with it. He was obviously pissed off when he said "I don't know what to tell you." I told him that I felt kind of cheated that she didn't get it. So, again, pissed off he says "fine, bring a new envelope home, I'll address it and you can mail it!" So, HELP, do I pursue it for my peace of mind at the risk of pissing him off, or do I drop it and wonder just WHAT he said to her the last time they spoke (at least I THINK it's the last time they spoke).

I do understand how important it is for you to have the OW get the no contact letter. But at what risk to your marriage will that be?<P>If you and your H talk it over, and he is willing to send the letter to the OW, then great. Do you really need a return receipt? You could always send 2 letters, via regular mail. What are the chances that they'll BOTH get lost? Just don't put a return address.<P>You may need to talk it over with your H, and see if he finds the no contact letter really threatening. If that's the case, then the two of you should come up with a different means, together!, to end the relationship with the OW. <P>Just remember, you cannot force your H to do something he doesn't want to do on his own. Doing so, will only cause major LB's... and that could be detrimental to your recovery.<P>Karen

mom:<P>Karen brings up an important topic that falls into the realm of the Policy of Joint Agreement: don't force him to do anything, that fosters resentment. He must <I>want</I> to send that letter much as you do.<P>You can, within the rules of honest, care and protection, explain to him why it is so important to you. (Keep it in the "I" context to avoid LBing.)<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

When my H originally wrote the letter, he told me that he was doing it because he knew it was the right thing to do. This last couple of weeks, though, I think his commitment to me is waning. I asked him when I talked to him this a.m. if he has changed his mind about the letter. He was upset when he said "NO." I'm going to hold onto it and when H and I go to counseling on Monday, we'll talk about it then. My H has expressed (last Sunday) his confusion over what he wants. He did come home, but is not doing much as far as working on our marriage (i.e., will not fill out E/N questionnaire, doesn't want to talk about our problems, etc.). I think he's getting ready to run, personally.

mom:<P>It is not only "confusion" you will have to face. More than likely he is feeling guilt, remorse, shame ... a whole gamut of emotions. Not to mention withdrawals from the affair and OW.<P>The rules of protection and care work to provide an environment where honesty can work. As for the ENs ... get to yours later: right now, find out what <I>his</I> ENs are.<P>This is not a sprint, it is a marathon to last a lifetime. Take it one step at a time.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL