From a site....Dr. Dobson:<P><B>Question:<BR>Several months ago my husband announced that he was leaving me for another woman. Since then, he has been seeing her regularly, but he hasn't left home and seems to be in a state of confusion. He's lost fifteen pounds and just looks terrible. What do you think is going on in his mind? He won't talk to me about his feelings, and he becomes angry when I ask him questions.<P><BR>Dr. Dobson Responds: <BR>It is likely that your husband is experiencing intense guilt and conflict that often accompany a selfish and sinful act such as infidelity. God has placed a little voice in the human soul that screams bloody murder at such moments, although some of us have learned to stuff a fist in its mouth. Even when we ignore its condemnation, the conscience is a formidable opponent of irresponsibility, and it will not permit gross violations of moral laws without a struggle. It is not uncommon for a person in this situation to experience a kind of internal war that can only be resolved in one of three ways: (1) the conscience wins and the person returns to the straight life; (2) the person rationalizes so effectively that his behavior begins to seem pure and holy; or (3) the conscience wins but the person persists in doing what he or she wants to do anyway. <P>People in the third category, which may include your husband, can be some of the most miserable men and women on the face of the earth. Their behavior has contradicted their personal code of ethics, and all attempts to reconcile the two have been futile. Stated another way, these individuals are in a dogfight with their consciences, and the fur is flying in all directions. Not only psychological disorders but physical illness can result from such disharmony! A person who is going through this internal conflict often experiences depression, weight loss, sleepless nights, nail biting, etc. The ordeal is extremely uncomfortable to the sensitive individual. <P>If we are right about your husband's frame of mind, you can expect him to commit himself very quickly either to you or to the other woman. It is simply too painful to remain in suspended animation between good and evil. I would advise you to seek professional counsel as to whether this is the proper moment to require your husband to make his choice. With the few facts I've been given, I would lean in that direction.</B><P>------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I think mine H is a cross between (2) & (3). <P>He does look terrible, lost weight. H appeared to be going through internal conflict "the internal war". Don't know if he is still going through a struggle inside...I'd think so. <P>H seems to have rationalized his behavior and therefore..persists in doing what he wants to anyway...<BR>moving out living with OW, committing himself to OW...choosing the evil. IMO!<BR>

HW:<P>As a former WS, I can attest to the internal conflicts and emotions that are felt when wavering between the fog state and full conciousness.<P>One reason for Plan A, is to get the emotional needs fulfillment flowing back toward you, and providing him with an environment in which he feels safe (rules of care and protection) and can honestly express what he feels (rule of honesty).<P>As far as rationalization: no (fairly sane) person likes to perceive themself as the "bad guy", hence justifying one's behavior; hence revisionistic history. These are all mechanisms to deflect reality from one's self.<P>A caring, protected environment allows your H to come out of the fog, face the reality honestly, while not feeling threatened by you.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL