Unable to locate on this site Dr Harley's idea of why a physical affair occurs. If H is satisfied sexually and marriage is satisfying, what goes thru a 50 year old's mind to allow him to risk marriage, family, everything for 3 month entertainment by a 22 year old who stripped for him and had intercourse? Neither wife,husband nor therapist have been able to explain. IS there a NEEDS explanation?

I can't imagine that a 3 month relationship could be strictly a PA. There had to have been some EA involvement as well.<P>You answer lies in the EN section (Emotional Needs). The 50 yr old was obviously not getting all of his important ENs met in his marriage, or else he would not have felt the urge to stray.<P>If it was strictly a PA, then obviously his need for sexual fulfillment wasn't being met at home.<P>Karen

StephenB:<P>Some times it's just a case of opportunity presenting itself, and the spouse making the wrong decision. <P>Harley's theory of needs and lovebusters equating to marital satisfaction is very valid, and a spouse in a satisfying marriage is less likely to cheat, on average. However, there are particular situations that can crop up in which a spouse is presented an opportunity to cheat---and this sounds like one of them.<P>The husband needs to learn to protect himself from being in this kind of situation in the future. However, if there's never been any other incidents of adultery, and he doesn't come from a background where adultery is considered "normal"---there should be little chance of reoccurance.

Thank you for your replies. The problem is that there is no history of sexual deviance, no affairs, no dissatisfaction with the marriage, no needs unmet as far as has been identified to date. I still have found nothing within this website, emotional needs or not, that specifically addresses this situation. I don't recall Dr Harley writing to things like one night stands or prolonged physical affairs, tho I have seen breif mention in a couple of other authors' books. No emotional connection with OW has been acknowledged or indicated. The marriage is pretty much back on track, with counseling continuing, but prevention based on knowledge of what was the payoff for extramarital sex when the risk was so high and sexual gratification was not an unmet need continues to be a concern. <P>Would still like other ideas or reference to any of Harley's writings which DO address physical affairs where needs were already met. Thanks again in advance.

My personal opinion is that this truly WAS "opportunity presenting itself." A may have been strictly the opportunity to "experiment" - experience a little something "Over the top" of his normal life....<P>A 50 y/o male, (MLC?) not uncommon to think "life is passing me by...what am I missing," or "What might have been....or how might this feel..." etc. about the illicit/exciting *new* (read: different) sex.<P>My opinion only, worth about .02 <P>Lupo

How often did your H see her? I also heard you're suppose to ask your WS,..."What did you like about yourself during the affair with her?" or "what feeling did you like having when you were with her?" "How can you describe them?"<P>What would he say? I don't know what my H, WS, would say?

I read somewhere can't remember where but was definitely not here about a type of affair called "Accidental Affair" where the opportunity presents itself and the WS decides to go for it. There is no emtional involvement and the WS expreses no dissatisfaction with the marriage. The majority of the time the WS in this type of affair is male at midlife. It's basically about him getting his ego stroked.<P>I will try and locate where I got this information from.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KalGrl:<BR><B>"Accidental Affair" </B><P>look there is nothing accidental about getting naked and having sex. its not like he tripped and his [censored] fell into her vagina...<P><BR><B>It's basically about him getting his ego stroked.</B><P>that would be a good examle of an EN being met by someone else.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Is it possible? maybe that it would be an act of compassion on the H's part to try and spare you the feelings that would come if there were something missing in the relationship? i mean he has already done alot of damage, wouldnt and he knows it might even be prepared to live the rest of his life with the marriage the way it is and has resolved to just not make matters worse by throwing another log (like you dont meet my need for admiration) on the fire?<P>what 50 year old man cant explain why he did something. one whos not being honest about what in his heart.<BR>

You might check out the askpeggy.com website. Her H had a number of affairs even though he was very happy in their mariage. She has a number of good articles there. <P>Maybe "opportunity affair" would be a better name for it. Even the Harleys are recognizing that not all affairs are caused by unmet needs. Many affairs are about the WS and his issues not about the marriage esp it seems with men at midlife.

QUOTE]Originally posted by KalGrl:<P><BR>Maybe "opportunity affair" would be a better name for it. Even the Harleys are recognizing that not all affairs are caused by unmet needs. Many affairs are about the WS and his issues not about the marriage esp it seems with men at midlife.[/B][/QUOTE]<P>I am familiar with Peggy Vaughan's site,andthanks for the reminder. THIS is the kind of info I am looking for, as you have said. Where do the Harleys address the "atypical" affairs like this? Where do I learn more about the WS's own issues leading to PA? Book titles? Articles? Websites? <P>I am familiar,vaguely, with the term accidental affair. I read it in at least 2 books before I found THIS website. For the humorous poster above, I believe it referred to "intent" not method. There are several different ways to classify affairs. I am not into classification and labels as much as looking for rationale.<P><BR>Regarding an "act of compassion" to spare the wife more hurt, that is flatly denied, as the WS said he knows that the wife would be more content if she knew WHY he did it. He just can't identify anything other than lust. It does not APPEAR that he is in denial or lying. I suppose that there is the possibility that he may be out of touch with some of his feelings and was not, and IS not aware of his needs, much less how they are met. This case seems different in that no needs seem to be involved. Then what IS the motivation for 3 months of lusty behavior with one woman if no emotions were involved?<P>Appreciate the input and STILL ASKING FOR OPINIONS and REFERENCES to info.<P>PS I don't have that info yet about frequency and the answers toyour 2 questions. Will try to acquire. I have seen those questions before too. Good point, gottoknow.<P>PPS Lupolady and K, this idea of opportunity has been suggested, but not by the WS.<BR>

s....Unable to locate on this site Dr Harley's idea of why a physical affair occurs. If H is satisfied sexually and marriage is satisfying, what goes thru a 50 year old's mind to allow him to risk marriage, family, everything for 3 month entertainment by a 22 year old who stripped for him and had intercourse? Neither wife,husband nor therapist have been able to explain. IS there a NEEDS explanation?<P>snl...By definition (humans don't do anything without a cost/benefit analysis) something was missing that this girl provided... Lots of things come to mind<P>1. He feels inhibited (maybe controlled) sexually by his wife, even if he doesn't realize it, and seized this opportunity to act on that.<P>2. He has needs for admiration that are not being met.<P>3. He has no strong moral aversion to sex with more than one committed female, and the opportunity arose to act on it.<P>4. He has incestuous feelings for daughter (if he has one) and acted on them vicariously with this "daughter". (or similarly peodfilia feelings).<P>5. He has some deepseated resentment/anger to wife, is passive/aggressive and so got "even".<P>6. He is weak-willed (easily "led") and 22 yo seduced him, got him under her "spell" and he obeyed.<P>

Agree with SNL that WSs have affairs because of their inability to protect themselves against their own personal weaknesses and not due to unmet needs in the marriage.<P>A brief take on why affairs occur by Steven Harley, can be found at:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html" TARGET=_blank>What is an affair?</A><P>Below is an excerpt from that article by Steven W. Harley, M.S.:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>"Discussions (or arguments) about what to include or exclude from the definition of marital infidelity is an effective way to get lost down a path where "Left Brainers" typically dwell and where "Right Brainers" typically get offended. The bottom line to the question is, "Specifically, what was it about the inappropriate relationship' that caused the damage in the marriage?" Was it the sex ([insert definition here]), the emotional bond, the amount of time spent together, the physical attraction? What was it? Talk about it. Get a clear understanding. If you don't understand how or why it happened and why it hurt the spouse, the probability of it happening again is very high." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This leads me to conclude that the answer as to why affairs occur is an individual thing because the answer is according to the particular WSs weakness(es).<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited August 10, 2001).]