From the replies I've had from my other messages on here it looks as though my H is still what you call "In the fog". One minute he seems to be making plans for re decorating and making long - term improvements to our house (which we moved into half way through theA), and the next he's saying he's confused about what he wants. I know that he's still phoning the OW and it looks from the itemised, credit card bills which I've scrutinised, that he's been having meals out with someone at times when he isn't supposed to have been out on business meals with colleagues! I just decided to start plan A after finding this sight last week and just want to know, from those who've got past plan A, how long did your WS stay "in the fog"? or from those whose WS are still in the fog, how long have they been like this? D Day for me was 4 months ago, but I haven't seen any improvement in him yet, thats why I'm pleased to have found MB, hopefully, plan A might help a bit?

I don't know what to say to help you. My H is also in "the fog" from what I read. I too just discovered this site recently. His A has been going on for almost a year. You're not alone. You will find alot of support and help here. Hang in there.

It has been nearly one year sice d-day. H`s A was a three month EA turned PA, with a persoanl and business acquaintance. His withdrawal and fog were terrible, one of the worst I have seen on this site. Even though the A was over, some infrequent contact continued, which was sometimes concealed from me, and the fog remained thick for at least 8 months. In all honesty, I don't think it lifted unil fully ten months had passed. I don't meant to be pessimistic. Most people don't have such a difficult time with withdrawal, especially if there is strict no contact and continued MC. My H only just recently started to put my needs on the map of things to consider.<P>Harley says that withdrawal takes at least three weeks. It seems like most think that the fog has lifted by the six month time period, at the outside. In a case like mine, where there is continued contact and an H who continues to tell lies and half truths it can be even longer than that.<P>As to what might help - the answer is plan A. No amount of your comforting and affection is likely to have much impact. Just keep doing it anyway. Eventually, the lightbulb will go on and he will see how wonderful and supportive you have been through his "bad brain period" and he will be beholden to your kindness. Continue to plan A and try to determine his top ENs and focus on those. This plan of action really does work!<P>Good luck.<P><P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill

Thanks,<P>I think some of my actions before I started plan A may have made the fog thicker, I don't know. He did say several times over the last few months that if I hassle him and try to push him into a corner, then he'll back even further away. I think he was having an Emotional affair for about six months before the Physical Affair which lasted two months. He is still in contact with her but says he hasn't seen her since March. He keeps saying he wants time alone. I would be able to back off if I really believed that "time to think" and "breathing space" would help him but he works away Mon to Fri and I only see him at weekends anyway. It's really hard to give him the space he seems to want when I've missed him so much all week! Also, I feel as though the pressure is really on me at weekends to make a good impression, because once he's gone, its another week before I see him again, therefore any LBs which I make will be remembered by him until next time he comes home. I'm going to put everything into plan A this weekend. Just hope he notices! (eventually!)

My H has been in and out of a terrible fog state since April 2, 2001. He has not yet committed to our marriage (really quite the opposite!!!). However, what I'd like to reinforce is the board's advise to avoid neediness or "expecting" anything from him even if you do only see him two days a week. Plan A while he's around but don't PUSH...<P>God Bless...

Wounded One,<BR>D day for us was 04/04/01, and to some extent I would say W is till in the fog, this may be lifting slightly now as I believe the affair has fallen apart. We are still separated however, and she hasn't yet shown any signs of wanting to return.<P> From what I read the fog varies depending on many factors, and although its hard to deal with I guess 4 months is not uncommon.<P>mands

D-day for me was 6/12/01. So all of this is still fairly new to me too. My H is still in the fog also. Some days are good some days are bad. He is still at home physicially although he there in is heart. I can only say that you aren't alone and we just have to hang in there and keep up with Plan A. Are you seeing a MC? The only thing my H is doing at this time is going to MC alone and with me. I guess we just have to wait it out and that is hardest thing to do. Keep the faith!

It obviously takes a while for the fog to lift. My ws is involved since may 00 and d-day was jan 01. Im still hanging in there, where both in therapy and marriage counceling. The wave goes up and down, she was told to break it off, said she did but its obvious she didnt. So patience and plan A is where im at. I dont have much of a choice and from this site I know eventually she will come out of the fog. So that is what Im waiting for, and yes it is far from easy the pain is real.

Thanks guys,<BR>Your situations are all very similar to mine. My H was home this weekend so I gave plan A my best shot. Obviously I'm not expecting miracles, but he definately seemed more relaxed this weekend. There was more talk from him about what we could do to make improvements on the house long- term. I only wish he could be home more often because as we got further into the weekend, he seemed to get more and more relaxed in my company and say more and more things about our future. I'll have to ensure that when/ if he phones during the week that I don't blow it by LBs over the phone. I tend to get more suspicious when he's away, and therefore have, in the past started to question him. I'll keep on plan A, even in his absence in the hope that we can carry on where we left off this weekend, (10 -12th August). Its very hard when I know he'll probably be phoning her, or she him during the week. I just hope I can keep this up long enough for the fog to lift permanently!

Dear Wounded One,<BR> My H also works out of town M-F. He has informed me that he will come home to see the kids on weekends. He sleeps in another room. I don't ask if he's talked to OW. She works for us in a town 15 hours away from where we live and where he works. He hasn't seen her in 2 months but I think is planning to. Should I be asking about contact? He never agreed to no contact. Agreement was that she would report to me and our office manager, but not no contact from him. He always tells me how wonderful I am but I know I would make it much easier on him if I was mean and kicked him out.<P>To Kid My d-day was same day as yours. I think I'll have it tatooed somewhere.<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

I too am concerned about "the fog". My WH's PA was ended by the OW last Monday. Afterward he was more open and like himself than he had been in over a year. We had long, indepth discussions when he confirmed my suspicions that he does love her. He told me, for the 1st time in months, that he still loves me too, but feels he is in a limbo (loving both OW and me and not knowing what he really wants).<BR> I made the mistake of telling him that the word of the affair had made it from OW hometown, about 60 miles away, to our hometown, as one co-worker told another and word got back to me. He was furious and said he would tell her so. I begged him not to, to let it go. He is aware of Dr. Hurley's steps to end an affair and knows he must not have ANY contact. But I could tell a difference in him when he came in from work Sat. evening. "The fog" was covering him up again. Sunday(yesterday) I ask if he had spoken with her - 1st denial and then admission that he had. I ask what they discussed and he made a flippent answer and became angry. I wanted him to say "I know you didn't want me to talk with her, I only explained that I was hurt for you that people you work with were talking about it and it had to come from her/her family and don't worry there was nothing else to it". But his not telling me only leads me to more questions. And as the day went along I could see "the fog" becoming heavier and heavier. I was very hurt when he first told me he talked with her and I know it could see that (and that was a big LB) but I regained my composure quickly and continued with Plan A.<BR> I truly feel in my heart that we can save this marriage if he has no contact with OW, because that fog will lift - it was beginning to already. But knowing that he loves her and she ended it and he didn't want to do that do I just keep going with Plan A or can I ask for certain ground rules. - i.e. NO contact, monitor his phone, etc. I have never done these things before and scored major points with him because of it, but I don't want to be a doormat either. How will he ever get out of this fog if he continues to contact OW? I wish there was a golden rule for how long "the fog" will last, but I take it there isn't one and we all must be patient.....Heartbreak25130

Wounded One - My H (Sad_n_lonely) started affair in 6/2000, and ended in PA. I found out for certain in 2/2001. Husband still is contacting her, last message left on voicemail was yesterday, Sunday. We are counseling together after 2 months of H saying it is almost over.<P>My H walks around in a deep Fog. He says he can't keep himself focused on anything for more than an hour, except for the computer. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He seems to slam things, hit the roof of vechicles, slams the walls, etc. It seems to me a sort of aggression to let out the anger. <P>He loves the OW, this is the OW 2nd PA affair. She is married and basically she dumped my H, she said she never would leave her H. My H said he made a committment to her, (marriage) and she faltered. She doesn't want her H knowing about this affair, she wants to keep this her dirty little secret. I am mixed up in this terrible scenario. If H would of kept his hands off the woman, and kept his pants zipped, we would not be in this mess. The OW phones me and manipulates me with suicide on her part if we tell her husband about the affair, and the PA. I feel guilty if I give info to her H about the affair, all the sexual details too. And if I don't my H said he will not beable to trust me in the future when things start getting tough. Who is the one who had to deal with his affair all by herself when he was having fun? He had his OW to help him, and I had myself, and friends. <P>As far as the Fog, It could take 6 months once the contact is all over. My H and I have started over after yesterday. We are back to square 0. He told Jennifer and I last week it was all over. All he says is there was unleft business to clear up. Next week there will be unleft business, we'll see. Whenever there is any contact at all, Jennifer said it starts all over. <P>I have been doing Plan A for about 3 months with 1/2 Plan A and 1/2 modified Plan A. For about the last 1 1/2 months I have been doing Plan A. I am not 100% accurate on Plan A but I am doing pretty good. As the BS, I have feelings and I have days that I am hurting worse than the other. All you can do is be there for them. Show them that you care, and love them. Yes, I do not want to be a doormat either. Somedays, I feel like one, and then I change my attitude and actions. This has been very tough, and I just try to move along. <BR>

D-Day was cerca Mother's day, but H moved on 06/19/01. H started talking and being kind to me and kids cerca 07/18/01. Booted OW on 07/22/01. Now he calls me daily and comes to my house at least 3 times a week (to sleep). Last week I went out dancing at a club and ran into him. I was dancing when all of a sudden someone pulls me off of the dance floor, it was my H. The rest of the night he was with me. And the next day, and the next day, Saturday, we actually went to the club as a couple. He still lives in his apartment, it is as if now we are dating. He bought me a braclet and even bought me flowers. Every now and then he takes me to a movie and dinner/lunch. I still consider him in the FOG, he still drinks to much and does not want to give up the party life. Maybe his fog is rising, but still in it. It is hard to tell when they will completely rise out of the FOG, because from reading some posts, every relationship is different. I would have never thought I would be in the position I am in now. I am happier that he is trying to get back with me, tells me he loves me and stuff, but I am still upset with him because of the A. It will be hard to ever trust him again. But all I have to say, is just hang in there and read different posts. They will all help you in different ways, they will help you cope through some hard times, and some will even make you laugh. You will make it through all the turmoil WS had put you through. I have been dealing with my H's fog for going on 4 months. BE STRONG!!<p>[This message has been edited by stranger under same roof (edited August 16, 2001).]

Thanks for your replies,<BR>They do all seem to behave in similar ways don't they? That's whats so good about this sight. Keep telling me how your plan As are progressing please and also whether any of you get signs of the fog lifting...it wouldbe useful to know what signs to look for.<P>Wounded One

My W has been in and out of the Fog for 12 mos now. D-Day Aug. 2000. It's been a rollercoster. With the with less lows and more highs lately. Be stong and take care of yourself!!!

My W has been in the FOG since May 21, that is when I sent an email that pushed her into the FOG (I think) So she has actually been there for four months although actually d-day wasn't until 6-24. She moved out 6-25 and just got her own place with roomate this past weekend. It's funny though, I think since she has had her own place, we have been getting along better then before. I hope God is shining his sun through satans fog.

Yes, it is true GDC, since my H moved out to an apt. with his uncle, and has now booted OW, he does not talk or see her anymore, it seems like our life has gotten better. It is like high school or something. We date, go eat lunch/dinner and movies. H calls me at work at least 4-5 times a day. During the A, with OW, he wouldn't call me at all. We were distant from each other. We did not speak or see each other at all. I couldn't stand to. Now everything is happier in my life. But I know he still is not ready to move back home, and I am not ready for him to move back either. There are too many things that still need to get resolved, not sure if that will happen, but we, at least, need to talk a whole lot. H knows that too. I wonder, can you be in love with your spouse, but just not be able to live under the same roof with each other. Is that ever possible? I wonder if that ever works out? My guess is no. But thought I'd ask.