Q's for WS's especially FWS's.<P>W and I are finally about to start counseling. DDay was 12/10/00. I have done good in plan A since then. I only LB when I find out contact has been made. It's usually pretty bad. W lied several times about contact but has admitted it the past two times I asked (I usually ask about once a month). I don't think there has been any contact made for 3 to 4 weeks. <P>Counselor was the one the sent me to this site about two months ago. I really like the idea of a plan to get my marriage back. I'm sure that our counselor will try to come up with a plan. Here's my question: I only LB when I know for sure that contact is still happening. I am thinking that it is best to not say or ask anything from here on out. I won't tell her that I'm not going to ask anymore (I can tell regardless if I ask or not). I'm afraid that if I don't ask she will start contact again. I know I can't stop that and it seems controlling but she is weak and some type of accountablility should be put in place. Here's my question: When you were sitting on the fence what was the best thing your spouse could do? Make you accountable or just back off and let you do it on your own? Please put yourself back to the time when you think you might want to make the marriage work but were afraid it couldn't.<P><BR>Thanks,<P><BR>whothehellisshe

Moving this to the top...

Hi Who,<P>Your name gave me one of those 'memory stabs' - I recall my H saying he didn't know who the heck I was anymore. You must know just how he felt.<P>Anyway, to begin with I really don't know your W's personality. The best I can do is tell you what worked for us.<P>Our D-Day was on May of 99. H told me at once to break off all contact (a no-brainer there!) and truly expected me to. I asked for a separation. I did not know what I wanted for the future of our marriage. I waffled around, I told him at least twice that I was done screwing around and screwing up. I even wrote and delivered a no contact letter. But I went back to the same jag-off twice and even decided to begin another PA with yet another guy.<P>During the course of all this, we decided to move back to my home state of PA. (We were living in UT at the time.) I had not decided if I wanted to stay and live the exciting and glamourous life of a stripper that I was leading or clean up my act and come home to my H. I was waffling again. About a week before the day we were to leave out of the blue I started missing my H. I missed his companionship. I missed his hugs, I missed the way he made love, I just missed HIM. I realized that what I was getting from the OM was a drop in the bucket compared to what i get from my H. I knew that if he moved without me that would be the very end of us. So, I told him. And after that made a completely honest and open effort. <P>So, basically it came down to a do or die situation. Sush an ultimatum may not work for your W, it may make her very angry and send her on her way. I knew that my H was not willing to wait around forever for me and that if I didn't come back when I did, I would have had to contend with him dating other women, and living his life without me and I couldn't handle that prospect.<P>What helped my H was that he went ahead and decided what he wanted to do, how long he was willing to wait, etc. He was ready to accept the fact of me not coming with him. <P><BR>I know it's not your traditional Plan A/Plan B type situation. It was A and B sort of rolled together and it happened pretty fast.<P>Of course, you probably are not in a position to just up and move, but you can let your W know without a doubt that you have a limit. You have self respect, and dignity and you intend to preserve those traits with or without her. <P>Hope you can sort thru this mess of a story and come up with some ideas that will work for you. You do have to determine how much of this your heart can take, and put your foot down at some point. Everyone here has to do that very same thing. But I have seen them all put a lot of effort into Plan A first. Let her see what she will be missing if she isn't strong enough to come back and make good on that life long promise she made to you. <P>Best of luck to you.<P>Khyra<p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited August 10, 2001).]

Khyra,<P>Thanks for the reply. I have been doing plan A almost from the start. The first two weeks I kind of expected her to kiss my a** and take care of me. When that didn't happen I got into counseling and learned that if I wanted my marriage back I was going to have to swallow my pride and make changes. I think I've done real well except I LB pretty bad when contact happens. We finally start counseling again in a few days and I know that this is my/our last chance. If this doesn't work then spliting up is a must. <BR>Did you seperate? For how long? When did you see the OM was a "jag-off"? Did your husband LB at all? How? Did you use that to keep the affair going?<P>Sorry so many q's but I'm trying to get into W's state of mind. <P>Thanks again,<P>who