Hello All, <BR> I have a story to tell you all about my marriage and My H flings, It is long because I wanted you to understand the whole story.I hope that you can help me out here.<P> My H told me about 8 months ago, that he has been unfaithful to me during our marriage. He moved out about two months ago.<BR> My H has always been distant and withdrawn from me,and he never tried to communicate with me, he would just let me say my peace and then say he was sorry, and that would be it, nothing would change. I was always suspicious,and I would always ask him if he was cheating on me and he would always tell me no, I knew there was something wrong, but he never would admit anything, he would just go on pretending with me.I kept on trying to get him to open up and tell me the truth on things and the truth of his feelings,he never would,well of course this lead to unresolved conflict, insecurity, and even jelousy and hurt feelings, not to mention desperation on my part. I would feel hurt and neglected when he wanted to do things by himself instead of spend time with me. I started to lose my patients with him, and started to accuse him of not wanting me or loving me. I have over 500 plus letters I have wrote to him about this very thing, and yet it has always remained a problem in our marriage.I became unbearable to live with , because I believed him when he said he loved me, but then keep his distance from me, try and keep the peace, and Ignore me, and avoid me, and he always chose careers that took him away from the home alot.<BR> I have had to deal with raising 3 children mostly by myself,I have even taken part time jobs, and attented a trade school while dealing with all this. All 3 of my children have Tourettes with Underlying Rage,Which I didn't find out about until they where teenagers. My kids where extreamly hard to raise on my own. As The kids turned into teenagers I found it extreamly difficult to raise them or get them to behave no matter what I did. It wasn't until my oldest son got out of control did I find out they had this Tourettes with the Underlying Rage. I was always threatened and to a certain extent abused by them, because of their disability. I had endured all this 95 % of the time by myself. My H would hear all of what was happening when he would call, and he had to deal with a few minor blow ups with the children, but nothing to the extream that I have. I have tried so hard to get my husband to understand what I have been going through and trying to get him to help me more,to be home more ect.. that never happened.<P>Since he told me about his flings 8 Months ago, I still was willing to forgive him and make the marriage work, I tried real hard to accept it and go on, but I got no where with him, Oh he would try when he was home once or twice a week, but it wasn't enough to make me feel better. I was having such a hard time dealing with all these new strange feelings I was having that wern't good, plus deal with my children's behavior, that I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I tried to make everything right in my marriage and family, and I endured the pain because I loved each and every one of them.<BR> Things had gotton real bad the past 7 months, my h and I couldn't even hold a decent conversation, everytime I saw him I would get mad because he wasn't there for me and helping me. He finally shut down, and gave up. He finally left me, and Now I sit here with the exact thing I have been trying to fight against my whole marriage. Feeling I should have just given up and left.<P>After My H left me and got himself an apartment, he finally told me what his problem was. My mother died when I was 15, and during that time I had been going through a tremdndous loss, When My H wanted to be there for me, I pushed him away , I told him that Everything I love dies and I did not want that to happen to him, so I told him to leave me and I wanted to break up with him. My H was devistated,to be rejected by someone he loved with all his heart, he wanted to be my night and shining armour, and all I did was push him away because I was scared, confused and hurt over my mother's death, I never had a father, So when My mother died you can imagine how I was feeling. My H ( Boyfriend at the time) was crushed and he has never gotton over it. I Ended up Pregnant with his child during this time, and when he found out he wanted to come back and marry me, I told him no that I would take care of the baby and you go and get your career, I will take care of things, I don't want us to ruin your chance at a good life. We will be ok. He wouldn't hear of it, he ended up coming back to marry me. I knew he loved me so I said Ok. At 17 I married him,and our son was 6 months old. The night before the wedding My H told me that he cheated on me after he went back to the service, he was lost and hurt over me rejecting him. I told him I understood and that I still loved him and would marry him. So we got married, but he never got over the first time i rejected him, and then telling him not to come and marry me just because I was having his baby, that too made him feel like I rejected him. H realizes now what has happened and the things that where said , and why they where said,He even told me he understood, but at the time he didn't. Anyway as time went by, he felt that I didn't love him, so he cheated on me, expecially when I would end up pregnant and have to give my attention to the baby.<P>He tells me he still loves me but can't live with me, I have tried to get him to tell me rather this was really over or just taking a break, he said he wanted to be friends. I am out of answers, I have tried and tried to let him know I love him and want this marriage, but he just refuses to belive it. He made the comment to me the other day,saying I am sorry for hurting you, I know what Your going through, I went through it myself when your mom died.<P> So thats it, this is my story, Where do I go from here? I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him, but everyday he is gone, I miss him more and then I get angry because he left me. <BR> How do I get through to him when he will never believe I love him, and expecially after all the anger , and hurt I felt over what he did. I said some mean and hateful things to him, because I was hurt. I do love him with all my heart, but I feel I have lost him for good, he says to many things have happened and to much hurt has taken place that there is no way to work it out. So is my marriage really over? Do I continue to tell him I love him and risk pushing him into the point of him hating me, I am already being accused of being a glutton for punishment. He Said why put yourself through this, You know if we stay in the marriage I will end up just hurting you again, and I am tired of hurting you. I asked him, then why would you hurt me if you don't want to? He didn't say much, then went on to say, I love you but not enough to work the marriage out. I care about you, am concerned for you, and do Love you, thats why I want us to be friends nothing more. I would like your opinion on this. My mind tells me to be patient, be supportive, and just let time take it's course, and my heart says No go after him, keep after him, don't let him go, I am affraid if I do let him go then it is really over, he told me he doesn't even think about us when he is alone, just the situation we are in. Then Logic sets in and says, just give up your holding onto nothing, It's over , you just need to move on,Unless he opens his heart and lets you in, there will be no chance for us. So anyone got any ideas or suggestions? In a way I feel that if he hasn't belived that I love him after 17 years of marriage, and and everything we have been through, then he never will, I also feel that there might be a chance if he allows himself to accept my love. It is sad because I know he loves me, and I know he isn't allowing himself to accept my love, for fear of rejection. I never ment to hurt him and I told him so, and he said he understood, but it is to late to make a diffrence know. This also upsets me, because I was only told about his true feelings a week ago, and now I feel I never had the chance to show him I love him or do something about his hurt feelings. He told me that he would not talk to me anymore if i brought up the subject of us, so what do I do now?

I don't know NSS, it sounds like you and your husband both still love each other very much and he just needs a break from all the drama and guilt he feels from hurting you so much? His affair was about him not protecting himself from his own weaknesses, nothing to do with your grief from your mom's death...<P>Your kids sound like they are driving you batty. Do you think they would respond to consequences for their bad behavior? (That is, if you can distinguish bad behavior from their actual diagnoses...)<P>When my [IT]strong-willed[/IT] son broke house rules as a teen between ages 14-17, I would take away his stuff--all of it--for 3 days and then give it all back. I packed it in boxes and stored it in the garage for 3 whole days. He would gladly unpack everything when the time was up. I became a broken record saying, "I can't control YOU, but I do control your stuff." As long as he lived in my house, he needed to respect me and my rules. Period. I packed away all his clothes except for 2 outfits and 1 pair of shoes, emptied all drawers, closets, toys, toiletries, everything. His room was completely bare for 3 days. He threatened to run away the first time I did this and I just told him, fine, and when you come back, after 3 days you can have all your stuff back because I can't control you but I do control your stuff. IT WORKED FOR MY FAMILY!<P>By law, where I live, parents are within their rights to give kids 2 new outfits and 1 new pair of shoes per year (& they don't have to match)! AND, parents are within the law to feed their children 2 square meals per day. A square meal can consist of a boiled egg, oatmeal and buttermilk (while the rest of the family eats pizza). But only for 3 days because to strong-willed kids, 3 days seems like an eternity.<P>You can't punish strong-willed kids forever or else they might go the other way and say forget it, why improve. And, I don't think that you should be extra lenient because of your kids' diagnosis. They learn quickly how to manipulate mommie. Right now, I'm raising special needs twins. My son has cerebral palsy and my daughter has precocious puberty (PMSing already at age 6)!!<P>I used this method on my oldest when he was a teen and I only had to actually pack up his room four times, max. IT TOTALLY WORKED.<P>Post their chores and curfews along with the consequences and stick to your guns. You have your hands full and my prayers are with you! LOVE FROM CALIFORNIA<3<3<3<P>I know it's difficult to focus on things when our relationships are not functioning 100%, but you have to be there for your kids because they really need you right now. Let them be the priority until your hubby comes around. I truly believe that he will. Keep the faith!! God is good!