Hi,<P>I had my first call with Steve Harley last night, and it went really well. I'm an engineer, and Steve highlighted the fact that it's in my nature to be a problem 'fixer'. I apply this to all aspects of my life, even my marriage!! So when my wife says "x has gone wrong today" my logical reasoning is to try and fix x, rather than empathise with the problem! Whoops, i've been doing this for a long time.<P>So after I got off the phone I was determined that I would remove my 'problem fixing' head from now on when being with my wife. Later on my wife and I were talking when she told me she had real pain after eating a certain type of food, rather than trying to 'fix it' I empathised and commented how it must be awful to get pain for something that she really enjoyed eating! <P>There was a second occasion where I empathised again and we both looked each other in the eyes after my comment. The look she gave me shocked me, and gave me a feeling I haven't felt for so long. I think she was as shocked as I was, as we both shyed away very quickly and were just quiet for a moment. It was the kind of look you have when you first get eye contact with somone your attrated to. You know the one that makes your heart flutter when you know someones attractive to you.<P>Now i'm sure you are all going to say this is really nothing to get excited about. And you are right, so my expectations have not changed. I'm not expecting anything from my wife, but the things I'm learning can only help me better understand about relationships.<P>What I've learnt from this is that 1 of the major wifes EN's that I hadnt been meeting was empathy and understanding. To be honest empathising feels a bit wierd to me, a bit like being an [censored] kisser. I always thought I was being the responsible man by trying to 'fix' everything that ever went wrong.<P>It may humour you guys to know that I knew the OM before the A started, and funnily enough he's the biggest [censored] kisser out there!<P>Anyway, I feel enlightened by realising my own failing. I hope this helps someone out there.<P>Plec.

Hey! I think that's great!!! Keep up the good work making those love bank deposits!

I think it's great too! Please don't hesitate to share the "little" stuff with us. Those little things add up! And some of us other "fixers" might learn something from your story. (me )<P>

Bravo, plecky! I know how important those little things can be... Keep it up!<P>zen

Congratulations & thank you for your posting. I too tend to be a fixer - during our marriage I have always tried to figure out the problems and keep everyone in our family happy.<P>I dont do that with people outside the family - I can empathize with them & realize the importance!<P>Wow... how could I do this for so long?<P>Thank you again for your posting - I am going to give this a shot as soon as I can.<P>I hope I can see that look too.<P>good luck & many pats on the back to you!

Baby steps are EVERYTHING...the important thing to remember is that patience and persistence will promise victory, no matter how small.<P>Keep it up and good luck.

Hi Plec,<P>I don't think this is nothing, sounds like a big step to me. Getting her to look into your eyes? Major contact. Hm..... she may want to do it again. Are you ready? <P>Thanks for the insight. I am a fixer by nature and now learning this myself. I am not an engineer but an engineer's daughter. Does that urge to fix hereditary? I think so. Having empathy seems to be more important to H than fixing it. Not logical to me but then again, I am not married to a vulcan!!! <P>You have been helpful..<P>Mahalo,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Plec!<P>Thanx for your post. I think you gave a biiig baby step there! Congratulations! I'm also a BS and wish I knew about something certain that I do right. I would sure hammer on that!<P>However, I would really like to ask you something about you being an engineer, but I don't think it would fit in here. Me and H (also an engineer) are (hopefully) in recovery. We would like to just get away from here and go overseas, but we need to find him a job first. Where are you and do you have any recommendations? I would appreciate your help but will understand if you don't want to talk here.<P>Thanx!<P>ivory

I'm noticing a lot of engineers on here, or involved with infidelity. It seems our stereotypical lack of social skills is a real issue. We tend to approach problems with such a simplistic, logical approach, when our spouses need more than that. They don't just want an analytical solution, they want someone they can just talk to, and someone who will lend a sympathetic ear. <P>Thanks, Pleco, for helping us see this. I really need to put it in practice with my wife. I tend to do the same thing you do, and her relationship with the OM started just because he listened to her. Maybe I need to just shut my mouth and listen for a change instead of pretending to have it all figured out.<P>Ivory, I take it you are in S Africa? Would you guys consider moving to the US? What type of engineer is your husband? There different regions of the US in which certain engineers seem to be concentrated. (There I go, haha, gathering data, to make an analytical solution to every problem. Maybe I should just pat you on the shoulder and say I understand your need to get away from it all. tsk tsk I crack me up!)

Hi GodlyMan<P>Thank you for replying to my "cry"!! This time you really did the right thing being and Engineer! (Oh, how I love Engineers!)<P>I post a letter to you here on GQ II with the name "To GodlyMan". I guess it won't be hard to find!<P>Thank you and take care.<P>ivory

Thanks Everyone,<P>This was a great 'Baby Step' for me, and your posts are all very encouraging.<P>Today isn't such a good day, my wife has come back from seeing the OM yesterday, and I feel like i'm starting from scratch again with my hard work. It's almost like during the week when she's with me she starts getting closer and feeling more comfortable to open up, then come friday she's off and when she returns on monday it all starts again! So today i'm left feeling deflated. ;c(<P>Ivory: I'm a software engineer in the UK. There are jobs here but the economic climate is a bit dodgy right now, especially in the telecoms sector. If you are looking for IT jobs in the UK then try <A HREF="http://www.jobserve.co.uk," TARGET=_blank>www.jobserve.co.uk,</A> it will email you jobs every day. If I were you I would go to Australia!!! Things are cheaper there, and the weather is better. Also, their economy seems to be booming right now.<P>Take care,<P>Plec.

Thanks for the info, Plec. I'll definately look into that as well. I'm desperate to get my H away from here!!<P>Good luck to you. I know how you feel. I'll be praying for you. I know we will get through this, but I sure wish it could happen a bit faster!<P>Stay strong and keep your faith!<P>ivory