Got into D last night at 2:30a.. didn't leave H until 9:00p... after I looked for 2 hours for my keys... the boys had them and I found them out in the yard FINALLY.. <P>Went to her house to drop of my 10yoSC and she wanted us to stay the night.. I asked her where would I sleep, the OM and her? <P>I get the couch.. him and her.. her room. I told her.. "I'm sorry but I am not going to try and sleep here on your couch, while the two of you are in your room..Even though he's on the floor." She got upset with me because I wouldn't let the boys stay.. we went to the hotel and I had ironing to do.. needed a haircut.. so I accomplished all of that.. I finished filling out all the necessary paper work and finally put my head on the pillow at 5:15a..<P>She called at 5:30a woke me up.. told her I'd see her at 7:30a at her house.. and I tried to go back to sleep.. after my HUGE nap of 15 min. Wake Up call from the front desk came in at 5:45 and I had to get up and get ready now..<P>I've had a total of 7 hours of sleep since Monday.. and I am just exhausted..<P>I got the boys to her house.. OM was at work already.. and she was impressed with the attire I had on and my nicely shave flat top hair do...<P>She left for work and I was suppose to meet her after my testing.<P>I got to my testing.. 100 questions written, 24 minutes of 911 tapes to go through and transcribe information. The test was 2 hours and 24 minutes long. I fell asleep 3 times.. and I have been worried all day long that my exhaustion would affect my testing. <P>I picked her up for lunch and we sat and had coffee together.. I took her back to her work an hour later and she gave me a kiss on the cheek when I dropped her off. SOOOO MUCH FOR BOUNDARIES??? Hey, Oh well, It was the flat top and the slacks, tie and leather shoes. Alot nicer than the OM's plumbing uniform I suppose <EG>.<P>I just went to the HR department for the city and I passed.. with a 78.. wow... not bad for walking around on 4 cups of coffee and tooth picks holding my eyelids open..<P>Didn't matter what I scored, as long as I was pass or fail.. and I PASSED!!!<P>So anyhow.. I am through first of many steps to get myself to a better me. <P>Now, I'm nearly outta cash.. have no way to get back to H unless a miracle happens. W is suppose to pay me back some small loans that she has been acquiring and she won't be able to this week.. Major Crapola problem for me. I'll figure something out, I always do.. got an aunt here.. may have to take her great nephews over to see her. <wink wink><P>I suppose I'm staying at my MIL tonight.. this trip wasn't planned the way it was suppose to.. being that I didn't get paid this week.. Company at H is NOT doing good. Oh well.<P>Thanks for the help and the prayers.. now.. one more prayer to get me home..<P>Cya later.. from the Library in D.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Congrats H2Y!<P>I know about that money thing...I am on paperclips and shoestrings until the first paycheck in September...sometimes I hate being a teacher ...<P>It'll all work out...maybe not the way you want...but it will ...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B><BR>I got to my testing.. 100 questions written, 24 minutes of 911 tapes to go through and transcribe information. The test was 2 hours and 24 minutes long. I fell asleep 3 times.. and I have been worried all day long that my exhaustion would affect my testing. <P>I just went to the HR department for the city and I passed.. with a 78.. wow... not bad for walking around on 4 cups of coffee and tooth picks holding my eyelids open..<P>Didn't matter what I scored, as long as I was pass or fail.. and I PASSED!!!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WOW, H2Y......this is SUPER!!!!! Way to go! Now go home and catch some well-deserved Z's.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Thanks.. see ya tomorrow.. Library closing ?? oh well.. I'm HAPPY about the test Wait till I tell her .. <P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

H2U,<P>What a studious guy!! Passed the first test!!! You have a big cheering section here. <P>It is hard what you are doing but you have such an upbeat attitude. I know that in itself does not solve your problems but it is encouraging to all to see how hard you are working. Hope all goes well at your MIL's. <P>Get some ZZZZZs.<P>Take Care,<BR>L. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 10, 2001).]

H2Y:<P>High five! Way to go ... <P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

this is SEM's W here, <P>Good Job. Keep it up. Do you have more tests to do?<P>We'll pray for you. Sherry

Well after I left the libary last night.. I went to her house and her sister came out to my car when I pulled up, and said.. <P>SIL: "I'm sorry." <BR>Me: "For What?"<BR>SIL: "I don't know."<BR>Me: "What's going on?"<BR>SIL: "You and W are going to Mom's for the night."<BR>Me: "Well, I was getting ready to go back to H, in a little while, what's happening."<BR>SIL "I don't know, W is on the phone with OM."<BR>Me: "Where is he at?"<BR>SIL: "He's still at work."<P>Anyhow, I have know idea.. nor did I ask my W what happened that she needed to for us to stay another day, at her mother's, with her staying with us. The only things that she said were that the OM didn't pay for child care again this week and that she was angry that he's done this to her 2 or 3 weeks in a row. Well later she said that she told the OM that she wasn't going to let me fall on my face.. and struggle, and if the OM said anything to her S or her son, while we were at her mothers, that she would come home and evict him. <P>I don't have a clue.. but it seems like a soap opera to me.<P>Well after we talked about that I told her excitedly that I passed my test and my SIL got excited for me and hugged me. Later I told my wife, she did the same thing. So hopefully this is a change.. in the direction of the 'new' me that everyone will notice. <P>We got to her mothers and her mother loves me to death and she and I really enjoy being around one another. She would slip me whispers in converstation about my W and I... when she could. She said smiling and proudly that I(me) just don't give up and that I'm going to keep trying. I said yes, and she said I'm proud of you and I just glad I'm not in your shoes.<P>Well we visited, all of us until about 1000p and my W and I went and got into bed. We fell asleep and the boys stayed up and watched movies.. The baby slept next to me in bed and I fell asleep with my head on my W's chest and she held me nearly all night. We both awoke this morning and both us looked at each other and stated that was the best night of rest that we had had in a long time. Well She had to be home by 1030a this morning to clean a neighbors house. On the way to her house my 6 year old asked her to ask the OM to leave so we all could stay there at her house. My W told him that she couldn't ask the OM to leave because he paid rent and that he lived there. My son looked at me and said, "Dad, OM lives in the same house with mom." I was soo sad for him.. because my W has been telling our son, that the OM was visiting only and would be going home soon. Our son asked her if the OM lived there before she did, when he got there and why.. My W couldn't tell him when how or why the OM was there living in her house. <P>I'm waiting at the library for her to finish cleaning so she and I can see each other before I leave. I'm planning on going back to Houston this afternoon, unless she makes other arrangements for us. <P>***<P>Hey.. when I finished my test yesterday for the dispatchers position, the Test Administrator pulled me aside and told me that the City is hiring Police Officers and she looked at my resume and wanted me to apply as a Police Officer also. <P>I left my resume kinda open hoping somebody along the chain of interviewers would see my experience and desire to be an officer again.<P> Not a great weekend for her and I but a great weekend for me. I guess I'll have to see what affect this has on her over the next few weeks as I hopefully make it farther through the hiring process.<P>Thanks for the prayers and support.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Thanks Cali, Louise, Orchid, STL, and Sherry. <P>Sherry, yes I do have lots more to go through. The passing of this first test, just gets my application to the Police Department. The departments usually do the hiring of their own people.. not the City HR department. <P>Once the application gets there, the department does many more screenings and tests of the applicants. I have: drug testing, polygraph, background checks, credit checks (this is the one that will probably kill any chance I have), psychological background check (worried about the current stress affecting this test), oral interview (interrogation) board (this one is the hardest to make it through, 3 cops sit and drill you on your attitude, character and life), driving record check, phsyical exam and agility test. All of this to just make it to the hiring. Then I have a dispatchers school to go through and pass. Ugggh!<P>And to think that the salary for this postition is ONLY!!! 2305 a month. That is 1200 a month less than I make now, but then again... there is only me and our 2 boys that I have to worry about AT this time. The police offciers positions starts at 2905 and after training goes to 3105.<P>Seems that a dispatcher doesn't make what they should, due to the stress of that position.. like a cop doesn't make what they deserve because of the stress AND the danger.. Oh well a very THANKLESS job that they have. And THIS is my life passion to finding the road back to me.<P>Life and limb for what I desire... and when and if she ever comes home to me.. there's always that chance that some characterless scumbag will take that away from her and my kids.<P>What can you do? Send your local PD and Dispatchers (fire and EMS too) a thank you card.. or just keep several in your glove box.. ready to give and hand them one whenever you see them.. (unless they are um.. really busy), and let them know they are appreciated.<P>Of my soap box now.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Congratulations H2Y! <P>This sounds like great news.<P>I just had to respond, because I just passed the Sheriff's Office test, I got the letter today.. I too have to do the psych, and poly etc. <P>I am confident you will do well, It sounds like you have done them before as well, so you know what to do... Just remember on the psych, tell them what they want to hear, I know that sounds bad, but some of those questions you have no choice. For instance; would you rather plant roses or go shooting.... I like shooting not planting roses, so I of course answered...Roses, you know what I mean.. <P>My problem with the testing is the polygraph, I just can't seem to pass it no matter how honest I am. I think I just have a guilty consciouse. The last Police Dept. I worked at I had to go back and take the polygraph again because I failed 9 out of 10 basic questions, I went back and failed 3 out of 10, and the only one I passed the first time was a fail the second time... I didn't change my answers... strang huh. I guess they believed me because I got the job, but every time I apply elswhere I am concerned they wont give me the second chance..<P>Well anyway I didn't mean to bore you, just wanted to tell you to be confident and I know you will do well..Good luck.E

H2Y Hip Hip Hooray!! Congratulations! That's great news for you! I'm so very happy for you. It's sounds as though your W may be doing some thinking to. Maybe the grass is not as greener as she thought! I'll keep you in my prayers. Have a safe trip home.<BR>cybil

H2Y,<BR> Congratulations on passing that test!! Big hurdle and you got over it,,even without sleep! Keep up the good work. Keep showing her AND yourself,,YOUR life is on the upward swing,, with or without her, although you'd ideally prefer she'd join it. I'm sure she's marveling at your goals and perseverance. Keep up the good work!

Just checking in... I'm still in D.. Lots to discuss at a later time.. weekend deteriorated quickly... no sleep.. lots of stress.. So I LB'd.. heck everyone here did this weekend..<P>I guess I'm going back to Houston tonight... I really don't want to... I mean I REALLY REALLY don't want to. Its getting harder and harder on me and I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. I'm in such a state of confusion and denial right now. <P>I really really really need your prayers again, that God keep me safe and that I don't do anything completely wrong. Those thoughts about planning the OM's demise are creeping back in and I found myself this morning planning something horrible mentally. I really need to remove myself from this somehow. Everything was going my way and all the sudden I lose it. I was almost to the point of going over there and doing something last night... My W had to sit in my lap and hold me down and talk me back into sanity.. <P>Now I sit here and wonder if I'm going to be stable mentally and competent to even hold these jobs when and IF I get them. <P>Please keep me safe. <P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

H2Y, I was just thinking about you. I'm glad you checked in. I don't blame you at ALL for having those thoughts and feelings. What a jerk that guy is. ugh...<P>But you need to push those thoughts away. Picture them literally being swept away out of your mind, and replace them with something constructive. Loving your boys, the excitment and anticipation of starting a new job, etc. YOu've got remain SANE and strong for your W and your boys. Your W doesn't need 2 crazy men in her life. ok?<P>sending prayers and angels over to Dallas and Houston again..... here they come.<P>Father lift up H2Y and give him comfort and peace. Fill him with your spirit and love, and let him know of your presence and give him strength. Let him know that you are watching over his W and will protect her, and that there is nothing H2Y can do right now. Protect H2Y's mind from evil thoughts towards the OM. Be with H2Y while he travels. Keep him safe, help him to spend some loving time with his boys, and help him get some much-needed rest when he gets to Houston.<P>Keep us posted, H2Y!<BR>

Faith..Cali..Jabbre..and Mark,<P>Thank you for praying.. I wrote the most disturbing letter to her ever... I have been in tears ALL day long from everything that has happened this weekend. I finally broke down and had to bury my head in a pillow today. I haven't given her the letter, but I told her I can't do this anymore. I told her she could have the boys. I told her in the letter that the OM won and he could have my LIFE, my BOYS and my WIFE. I told her I can't go another day thinking about her and him in bed with one another. I can't get those images out of my mind. They are there and burnt into my soul. Everyday that this goes on, just burns them deeper and deeper into the wounds that I already have. I'm stuck here in Dallas another day. I have no money to get home. I will visit the pawn shop tomorrow and give up one of the last prize possesions that I have. I'm pulling the HiFi stereo out of my last prize possession.. my sports car. The car is next to go... and then I will have N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nothing buy me and my boys. I can't be there for them right now. I am not being a good father or caretaker in this condition. I will get enough gas money from the stereo to put gas in the car and drive the 300 miles home. To an house that is empty, filled with dirty dishes and clothes pilled to the ceiling. The refrigerator is bare and I can't honestly take care of the boys right now. <P>She got home from work and knew exactly what I was doing before I said anything to her.. She told me she was going to slap some sense into me if I didn't pull myself together. She told me that I can't leave the boys with her. She told me that I can't do that to them. Here not 24 hours later.. she wanted them.. and now.. she doesn't want me to walk away from them. All I guess I want right now is 48 hours with her, alone. I want it to only be hers and mine, time. Nothing else. I can't ever have any peace with her because of the situation, the distance, the kids, and the OM. <P>I know that if we had this time to spend together that I could win an ounce of dignity back for myself and some self worth. I feel like I am the lousiest piece of a$$ in the world. I need her validation that that is not true. I need to feel loved and wanted emotionally, physically and sexually. I don't want this for sexual fulfillment, but for the affection that I only get from her during SF. <P>I can't tolerate the hickies anymore. I can't tolerate his inferences to me that I am not worthy of her bed. I can not be told any longer that I can't have a wife that doesn't want to have sex with me. That is the only issue that surfaced over and over again this weekend. Its all about SEX. <P>I am tempted to destroy my sexual organs. I feel that they are the cause of all my pain. I am a man whether or not I have anything there and I want her to know that. If I'm not good enough for her.. I don't want to be SF ever again. I want affection. I am dying for it. I can't and won't run out and sleep with someone again.. just so I can have the affection that I need. That destroyed me last month when I did that. I really just want to roll over and someone shoot me in the back of the head. <P>My heart is split into two pieces, holding by a thread and I can't put it back together now. I am destroyed from head to toe. I want to die. I told her that my 14 year old can have the sports car. I told her that she can have the boys. To tell them that I love them. To tell them all that I am sorry.<P>I am so alone. What do I do now. I can't go on. I want to turn and run as far away where no one will find me and die in solsistic peace, under a nice tree somewhere in some flowered covered valley admist beautiful hills. <P>I told her to display my Casket Flag proudley, for everyone to see. So the boys would know that I had dignity and honor and love for my wife and them, and that I left this place as her husband in peace.<P>My life is gone. Everything I based my life on is lost.<P>Thank you for being my friends and praying for my soul. Thank you for the doves prayers and angels. You are good people.<P>Empty